Monday, December 28, 2015

Reflection

I've been thoughtful the last few days. Not because the year is ending. I enjoy my understanding of our planets behavior around its solar anchor. However, I don't find the circle to mean that I have to look back at the days. My reflective point comes instead from the approaching change to my life.

Four months until CSMX is done. CSMXI is spinning up with positive and negative press. I find that I am enjoying being a step away from that. Perhaps, the hardest part of the CSM was the election phase. The second hardest part was wading through the negativity. The election period, however, was the worst. Even if I wanted to do a third year, I'd not be able to put myself through a third election.

Also, in seven weeks, I have the second summit. I have a lot of things to put together and to throw on the table one last time. I have developers to reach out to and topics to bring attention to. For the most part, I'm sorting through my notes from the last two years and condensing them down into the things that have not been answered or addressed or put on the table.

At the same time, I'm gearing up to use that energy in some personal ventures. My new work schedule has been very healing. While Thanksgiving through Christmas was a hot mess at work, the general ebb and flow of my new position has been great. I no longer get up at five in the morning. I no longer struggle to get to bed by 2200. That schedule was making me ill. Three years of it and I struggled, every single day to get to bed soon enough and I woke up every shift hating my awareness. I'm much happier working 1000-2200. I wake up naturally. I am tired normally. Its great.

Also, in five weeks the new puppy comes home. I shared my loss of Nyx. I've talked about my pets on and off on this blog and twitter. However, I've not much shared how vested I am in the creatures that share my life. They are not my children. I've always enjoyed dogs. Or, as someone notices, lean, skinny headed, fast dogs for the most part. I'm looking forward to the obedience and agility classes in my future with the new pup. It is good that my CSM term is winding down for that because he will require a good bit of attention.

It might seem that I'm set to leave Eve behind. That I'll finish my term and walk away. I have in game plans as well and I absolutely expect that I will have a period of down time just to savor the quiet after fanfest. I have plenty of Eve projects in game and out. I'd like to finish my history posts for instance. I have things to write and ships to fly.

Yet, as I reflect upon what I'm going to do I realize that Eve and the things I have gained from Eve are very important to who and hat I am now. I chat with Eve players across all of my messaging systems. I Minecraft with a server full of Eve players. And, I've come to most love co-op gaming where I play with other players. That too is a taste I've gained from Eve. Eve, after all, is my first serious MMO.

It is easy to fall into the negative. So, very easy. It is easy to call up the hurts and the pains and the frustrations and the anger. Those things soak and simmer and burn in the background. The good things, the fun things, the things that change the very way I look at a hobby are softer, sweeter, warmer, and comfortable. That comfort is something that I try not to become complacent over. That is the road to bitterness and its not one that I plan to walk.

Sunday, December 27, 2015

CSMX - Post #40

In truth, this post is little more then a place holder. It is the week between Christmas and New Years. It is a quiet week. I could make up some stuff to fill space and listen to myself talk. Instead, see you here next week. I figure things will pick up the week after.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Wash. Rinse. Recycle.

I received a good suggestion about the Archon that I won in the Pod and Planet contest. I'm going to send it back to the contest to be liquidated as part of the future prize pool. I'm not doing it for credit. I am not big into donations. I don't want a sign that says 'Sugar donated X amount of ISK'. I don't care about those things.

I don't want the ship. The reason for donation is that I believe in supporting things that I want to happen. Of course, I could just give ISK. However, I'm a bit of an ISK hoarder. It is easy to give stuff then to give ISK for me. The Pod and Planet contest is, perhaps, one of my favorite things. Over the past four years it has cleaned up my writing in ways nothing else has.

I've often dreamed of becoming an author simply because of love of books is so incredible. Its been a long struggle. Over the years I've had to gain life experience and then writing experience. It is a side effect of Eve that I started to appreciate around the second year I started to blog. The efforts of writing this blog and the things that I have put here over time have improved my writing.

I'm far from good. I'll never get over my spelling hurdles. For every paragraph I have, perhaps, a half dozen corrections. There are some words that I cannot wrap my mind around to spell correctly. Experience is one of those. I mutilate it every single time. But, that is my personal hurdle and no amount of wishing is going to make it go away.

The other hurdle to writing has been life experience. I've gone back, in recent years, and read books that I enjoyed when I was younger. I have found that my understanding of the book changes as I age. In my day to day interactions with people I have learned that behaviors and events that I find ridiculous are in fact, real. While I would have loved to have produced something ten years ago, I've learned that I was not capable of producing anything with the dept that I need for the things I want to write ten years ago.

Outside of writing, donating things always leave me with the worries that I cannot participate after the donation. Etiquette. A beautiful word but a frustrating concept. In a game full of scams and cheating, back room deals and manipulation, I find that I prefer truth and clarity. I may just be being obstinate.

Maybe, I should lay less out on the table. Something to think about. But for now, hopefully I can help support the contest that I want to enter next year.

Friday, December 25, 2015

Nontraditional

This has been an odd week for not writing. Sometime, earlier today I realized that someone out there might take it wrong. The reason has been because I've been working. I've been getting home late every day as well thanks to the holidays. As, for the most part a holiday Grinch, its left me with about 2 hours to eat dinner, walk my dogs, and hit the bed before I have to be up for the next twelve.

Now, I have some days off. Not because of Christmas. It is just my normal set of days off. However, work should improve now.

I also learned from Epi's latest post that its normal to reflect and such things. I'll stand up and say, "No thanks!" I normally skip the holidays but people have been super kind to me this year. I even got gifts which leave me feeling a bubbling warmth and a bit of embarrassed lack of worth. I do appreciate it. That someone has taken the time to work through the things that interest and delight me is uplifting in a way few other things are.

Reflection is a useful thing. If taken properly, it lets us not repeat our mistakes. But, I spend a bit to much time in reflection. So, for today, its going to be looking forward. Not New Years promises. That falls under my belief that if something is worth doing its worth doing any day and not one particular one.

When it comes to Eve I will reflect later. For today, I'm going to take pleasure in those that have thought of me. I don't appreciate them enough. So today is for savoring friendship that made them reach out to me, despite my Grinch nature, simply because they like me. Of all the things I have searched for in Eve, that is the thing I have most wanted. I'm going to enjoy it and not worry about the what ifs and what weres.

It also reminds me... I won an Archon in the Pod and Planet contest. I think I'd like to give it away. I just have no idea how or who'd like it. Ideas?

Sunday, December 20, 2015

CSMX - Post #39

We're just under a week out from Christmass. On the 16th, CCP aired the o7 show. From what I gather there were no huge reveals. That is not surprising. Things are quiet but busy as they work towards the expansion.

The new launcher is out of Beta.  I haven't installed it yet. The long list of changes and updates makes me happy. I'm not one to opt in early to new tech. I like my access to my hobbies to work and not give me amazing surprises.

The new camera is also in beta. So far, I've heard mostly horror. It is not that the features the new camera give are bad. It is that the new camera does not have a 'classic' camera. Opinions?

With Christmas in the air, some rebalancing was done to the project Frostline sites. Get them while you can. It won't be forever. I had wondered if Project Frostline would be all of Christmas. I refused to dig any deeper. Christmas presents are not a CSM thing in my opinion. I have also found myself rather upset with people the last few years as they complain about the free extra stuff CCP gives out. Per the dev blog, this year it will be snowballs and fireworks, some clothing and trinkets that have no value but for memories. I'm fine with this but I expect to see very angry people at not getting something in particular. Signal Cartel should be quite happy and Mynxee's snowball orders filled for another year.

With Christmas in the air there is no Eve store in time to sit under the tree. CCP Spitfire released an update. We've been poking about the Eve store for a bit and I am glad to see the update. It is disappointing that it is not here now. I've put some time into this one, as have some other members. I hope to proudly display my Eve keychain soon and I'm hopefully that some of our discussion and feedback will come to fruition for something that makes me want to empty my wallet. I am a t-shirt wearing, mug loving, key chain wanting, gamer geek having stuff.


(A quick snapshot over my desk as I write this. Yes, I know they are not even. I didn't want them to be.)

Another change to trials. This one I found interesting. There is no the trial for 14 days. The buddy invite for 21 days. Or the starter pack with an extended trial for 20 extra days. We've discusesed the trials a few times and the starter packs. Starter packs had a problem of not having an actual value. A skinned ship is a skinned ship. Under the old system it made a new player a target. Under the new, its just a skin. It doesn't do much for them. The trial extension is a new venture. We will see how it goes.

And now to address a handful of other stuff.

I was asked to sum up the CSM in one word on twitter. Normally, I avoid those types of questions. I told people during the election cycle that I'd not answer, 'yes' and 'no' questions after they loaded them. But, some words are broad and encompassing. The CSM is exhausting to me. Exhaustion however is not a bad thing. It is exhausting to succeed and to fail to fight and to win. The CSM is about energy. It absorbs it.

I was also asked to answer some questions on reddit. I was mildly amused that several people stepped up to politely tell the poster that I'd probably not answer. I've always turned down the AMA (ask me anything) posts people have suggested I do. I am not a regular to reddit and walking on expecting people to want to hear what I say when we've never talked before seems a bit arrogant. I'm happy to speak when invited to do so, and I did.

"Oh, Sugar. Please don't make me read reddit!"
I understand. To my surprise, the thread did not go poorly. And yes, I was expecting it to. With each response I decided to be honest, open, and complete and take the fall out for it. I think I bored people. My earnest and sincere responses creep some people out. It boils down to: Yes the CSM has value, no I don't think its dead, no I don't think it should be headshot, I hope that I can leave something productive behind me, but shit is broke, yo.

I've seen the strangest thing. People have suggested that I don't waste my time fighting or that if I am upset I should resign and go away. That puzzles me. Am not I here to fight for these things? Am not I here to use this time to try to bring change and tackle topics? When I sit down and write and write honestly, I'm not in a rage like spiral. I'm not particularly mad. I'm frustrated that we are still struggling with the same communication problems. I'm disappointed in the behavior I have seen around me. What I have learned is that my issues with CCP are not what drain me and wear me down. To some extent, I've always expected them. It is the ugly, negative vibe that resonates across the player base that saps me. I've been told I'm supposed to just ignore that as well.

"Sugar, you seemed burned out," I was told. In another thread someone basically says I seem not as engaged or enthusiastic. The answer is that I am very tired. There are a lot of things that I have given up that I miss. I miss them because I miss playing the game. That is also my fault in how I approached things. Each day I am often met with a choice of what to do with my time and there is always stuff to do on the CSM side. I do that because my time in office is finite.

I've been chastised for honesty before. It is one of the many things that has happened over the last two years that puzzles me. During the elections for CSMX, one of the review shows said that they don't want to see behind the scenes. They want results. The analogy was sausage. That particular topics hit me pretty hard because I've been functioning on an open book policy. I try to lay things out as they are. Yet, maybe that too was wrong. I do believe that by telling people the bad stuff, the failures, and the things that are a struggle or painful, I've made myself appear weak and incapable to some. I know that you are not supposed to share that stuff but its the other side of the good.

Perhaps I am burned out. Maybe burned out doesn't mean what I think it means. Because I am not bouncing around cheer-leading? Because I am not smiling and pretending that things are fine when there are problems? Is it the honesty? Is it not enough honesty? I ask myself a lot of questions these days and often walk away saying, I don't know. I don't know if that means I'm dried up and about to be blown away with the wind. I feel pretty solid. I always viewed burn out as dropping and walking away. Maybe that was my fault for sharing the loss of my dog and how badly it has shaken my every day. Maybe I should have been lying all of this time about what an endlessly badass baller I am about everything.

Burned out or not, y'all are still stuck with me for another three or four months! I have a bit more to do and stuff to finish up. And a summit in February. If it helps, I'm gonna take my mom to see Star Wars on Christmas day since I managed to get it off of work. And I get to go visit my soon to be new puppy in two weeks.

Peace out.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Pod and Planet Contest YC117 results!

The results of the Pod and Planet contest are out. I placed first in the 8,000 Sun's category for my story, "Cortex."  That category is for cannon and I find I've become really interested in trying to write true Eve fiction. I'm surprised that I placed and super happy.

I only had one entry this year. With Eve Vegas and CSM stuff and my new work schedule I didn't have enough extra juice to write more. I did pour everything into it and I'm thrilled with the results.

Contests are hard for me. I really want to do well. I don't like direct competition. Things like the writing contest allow something to stand on its own and be judged. I'm more comfortable with that. And it pushes my comfort zone but I can still kind of drop my story on Telegraph Sam's desk and run away squeeing into the night.

I'm thrilled. My writing has really progressed over the last few years and I have really enjoyed these contests. Next year, he just has to not run it during Eve Vegas!

Here is the link to the contest winners!

And a link to the stories! (I don't want to link individual ones)

Grand Prize
Voodoo Williams, "A Spider in Her Web"

Eight Thousand Suns in New Eden (Lore-Based Stories)
First Prize
Sugar Kyle, "Cortex"

Second Prize
Rhavas, "Decoherence"
Callista Dallmore, "The Gate"

Third Prize
Tiberius StarGazer, "Different Bodies"
Niden, "Rapture"
Nomistrav, "He Saw Infinity"
Torsnk, "fleet logistics"

A Day in the Life (Gameplay/Freeform Stories)
First Prize
Archangael/Jason Jones, "The Best Sport"

Second Prize
Oreamnos Amric, "Blood Frenzy"
Tom Hawkins, "The Hunt"

Third Prize
Rhavas, "Emergence"
Tom Hawkins, "Fabled Beauty"
Yuri Serafim, "Split Decision"

Other Things Just Make You Swear and Curse (Humor)
First Prize
Abavus Durden, "The Allure of the Damsel"

Second Prize
Drackarn, "Into the Breach"

Third Prize
Sleightz, "From Riches to Riches"

Honorable Mention (from all categories)
Islana Deepsorrow, "The Proteus: LC-K-114"
Drackarn, "The Journey"
Islana Deepsorrow, "The name of the capsuleer"
Da'iel Zehn, "Infiltration"
Dirk Magnum, "A Code Like No Other"
Sera Kor-Azor, "Ole' Time Religion"
Regalas Davaham/Ben C., "Stargate"
Rusty Boon, "A Longing for Loss"

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Outside!

Sugar is poor. The person that plays Sugar has ISK across several accounts but Sugar, as an individual character, is poor. That was to keep my ISK safe from an oops. She rarely had more then a hundred million on her and normally less then that. It let me safely handle scam contracts and such things.

That got in the way when I decided to undock and get the new Command Destroyer skill book. I pried myself from the warm seat I had made in Jita and after much whining, was directed to a skill book store. Such was my glorious undocking into the wilderness of the Jita undock.

Shuttles are very cool. They are cheap and they are fast. But, in Jita they are also targets. I find myself feeling rather stupid that I want to fly around in a shuttle. Someone can pop it just for the hope that I've stuffed my cargo full of goodies at not great loss to themselves.

I docked up. Then Eve crashed. Then it came back up. I sniffed about the corners of my Jita hangar and pulled back the dust cloth on Ecstatic Cider. Ecstatic cider is an Orthrus that was gifted to me to lure me into trying out missiles. I don't deserve such a sweet gift and to show my thanks for it, I learned missiles. I never flew it. 

Today is the day. I might not do anything with it but I had learned missile skills for this moment.


My completely technical method of what ships I do and don't like is done by an puttering around and seeing how it handles. I spun off the undock and wheeled around the arch under the station. The Orthrus is responsive and smooth with enough speed not to leave me grinding my teeth.

The only question is will I like missile combat. Everything I have read about missiles makes them sound exhausting and unfun. I like going, "Weeeeeee!!" as I shoot things. Maybe I've listneed to to many endless, circular arguments about stuff and missiles will be fun.

Monday, December 14, 2015

Perspectives

On Sundays, I try to attend Seamus Donohue's weekly game mechanics class on Eve Uni's public mumble. I started attending a bit before CSM9 started. It was a good way to connect with newer players and see what questions they brought forward. Over the last two years, it has also been a place to look at Eve in different ways. Seamus is a self described carebear but his knowledge of mechanics and game design is in depth.

I've had people express surprise that I attend this. I learn a lot in these discussions. There are so many areas of the game I have not played. It also moves me outside of my familiar circles. People are not ashamed of running missions and mining here and the questions are broad and the topics interesting.

This afternoon, before I had to scoot to pick the husband up from the airport, they were discussing grid sizes. In this discussion, Seamus casually discusses grid size and pulls out a calculator for a few square root multiplication processes to discuss potential maximum ranges. I understood what he was saying but what struck me was how that is not a process I'd do in day to day life. It is something I find enviable but also fascinating in how we break down and process information. I do not think I have ever had a day to day moment where I needed the square root of a number. I'd probably ask google if it did happen after I finished being excited.

A bit later, while sitting at the airport and reading Tweetfleet Slack, someone asked about changing market skills that allow access to distance to a cost based formula. The further people can see it, the more it costs. This discussion broadened a bit into what is a market and a hub and what motivates people to go and buy something.

The market discussion flared out into "this won't start a market" and "that will" and "I run markets." I found myself thinking, well so do I and I wouldn't do it that way. The opportunity was there to make it into an argument but instead there was more pleasure in seeing others opinions on the topic. The differences fascinate me. When I look at how others play Eve, I very much play Eve in a different way that shouldn't be successful.

However, I am successful. I may not be as successful as others. But, I don't need to give my success special qualifiers such as, "I made my markets that matter," and etc. When I lay out what I have done and gained, it qualifies neatly as successful. Sure it could be more so but at that point we are nit picking.

The chances are quite high that I will never see the game in the technical breakdown that Seamus does with such smooth, casual ease. I'm okay with that. Seeing how he sees the game enriches it for me. Somewhere, in the back of my creative mind, I break down what he says into something that makes sense for me. Eve gets a bit deeper and richer.

In that same area, I take the discussions about markets and use it to learn more. Instead of arguing with people that my market did fine being different, I look at the people. Where are they? What space? What play type? It is a moment where I can argue or I can learn. Learning is less stressful.

Of course, this may all be a glorified excuse for being bad at Eve as well. Who knows!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

CSMX - Post #38

I'm out of the loop these last two weeks. I had to step back from Eve for a bit. It is to easy to let the emotions of one thing filter into everything else.

I hope you read the patch notes. I undocked and peered around Jita for a bit to eyeball the changes to the grid sizes. It seems pretty cool. I know that there has been some chatter about changing the warp distances with the increase to grid size. Opinions?

As I open up again, I see a lot of chatter about Operation Frostline. In one way I want to participate and find cool loot. In another, my anti-holiday spirit makes me want to huddle in my hangar and be grumpy.

The updates for the new Tranquility cluster continue. This is something I am still very pleased is happening. There used to be more technical information sharing between CCP and the players. Eve's server cluster has been featured time and time again over the course of the games existence. The player base has taken pride in that before and it is a healthy pride.

The CSM to CCP front has been a bit quiet. We've been chatting about the maps and structures. The sov guys have brought some iteration points forward. They may do some public feedback about that. Corbexx is also working on map feedback. The new map and new scanning are storming along but we are still getting a steady flow of negatives and frustration for missing features and usability.

Here is the beta map feedback thread. Leave your feedback there. CCP Golliath has been very interactive in these threads about the map and scanning. Please, please, please, bring your complaints about the map. Snarling at me that it is 'unusable' isn't helping to get this feature where it needs to be. Please help me help you.

Christmas is around the corner and people are starting to take off from work. Those that are in the office are working towards the major projects such as structures and capitals.

I admit that I am not as animated as I normally am. This post probably isn't up to snuff. I won't apologize for it but I do recognize it. I haven't been logging in much. My focus for everything is terrible. You should see me burn dinner right now. But, I am around. If you don't do other media just send me an eve-mail. I'm just not ready to wade back into the same circular battles about the same topics right now.

Thursday, December 10, 2015

It simply is

Last week, I was going to sit down and write about passion. Then life happened and the idea floated in the limbo that is the back of my mind. Now, as I start to resurface into Eve, I see that the world is again on fire for the sake of watching itself burn.

I find it weird but I'm going to let it go by as I see myself not interested in involvement. It did remind me of my earlier thoughts and kicked the topic back out of limbo.

Passion is nether good nor bad. It is an intensity. What we are passionate about may be good, bad, or neutral. I consider my passion for the color blue to be neutral. I consider my passion for sweet drinks to be bad. My passion for my dogs is good. 

Passion is not a casual feeling. Passion is not love. It is not hate. Passion amplifies these things. I greatly enjoy my favorite restaurant but I am not passionate about it. It grabs us and acts almost as if it is a propellant for our emotions. That's what makes it so dangerous.

The intensity of our passion is where it can move outside of the realm of positive influence and into negativity. I am passionate about Eve. It motivates me most of the time. Sometimes, it gets repressed, but the deeper energy of the emotion tends to burn off the negative energy given time. To harness that passion is to give myself the energy I need to do the things I do. That may be working through a complex situation, creating, playing, recovering, or any number of things. It may be my writing, or a drawing, or entering the Pod and Planet fiction contest.

It is a type of energy must be directed. Undirected, it can create, power, or destroy. It is something that we have to take responsibility for. It is ours, after all. As are the things we do with it.

What it is not, is an excuse. How many times have I seen behavior excused by, "They are passionate about it." It is not restricted to Eve. I've been reading dog forums again, preparing myself for a puppy. I've not had one in six years. And, as I read, I'm reminded why I stepped back from the animal world. So much negativity is excused by the passion of the author. "I didn't mean to come across so nasty but I get so worked up when someone does ... with their/to their dog..." they will apologize time and time again. If they apologize.

The same happens in Eve. Vicious and foul behavior is excused away as passion. "He is just passionate about it," I have read dozens of times. "Don't take it the wrong way."

It has often been a question of mine when it comes to excusing peoples behavior. It rarely seems to be, "I should step back and remember that I am talking to another person or to a public forum and my words and usage of language can cast an imagine or representation that I do not want." It more often seems to be, "You should excuse that person's behavior, word usage, image, and representation because they are passionate about the topic."

Perhaps, spending some time with other communities reminds me of how wide spread this is. But passion is not an excuse. Passion is not a right to treat others in whatever manner you may wish.

Someone can be passionate and not treat other peoples like shit in the process. Passion does not have to be loud, rude, crude, and edgy. It can be calm, polite, and clean in its intensity. Passion is not about volume and last words. It is about the energy that motivates and propels us. It is a raw, primitive, powerful emotion that can consume us.

We are responsible for what we do and what we say with that passion.

It is not an excuse.


Monday, December 7, 2015

When There are No More Choices

It is interesting, in the end, the way choices come and go. Choices that you expected to make are not made. Decisions parade past you and toss their heads snickering as they lunge out of your grasp. Even choices made that were good choices reek of failure and hindsight.

On Friday, I knew where I was in regards to Nyx. I had some heavy thinking to do. One of the most painful parts of pet ownership is financial limits. We have worked to reach the point where we can get the care needed for our pets at short notice. The question is, "Will that care do anything?" Will it make a difference of a day, a week, a month, or a year? It is an ugly question. It fights against wants and reasons. Emotional minds and rational minds clash. We must acknowledge our limitations and potential futures. With that comes a layer of guilt and a feeling of inadequacy that almost drove me to my knees.

It makes you question the want and the reality of "I'd do anything."

When I wrote on Friday, I knew I had days. My husband had just boarded his plane as I spoke to the vet about the possibilities. I was faced with the simple realities of life. It was Friday night. I had to work Saturday. My options were the local emergency vet clinic where I was looking at 800-1000 USD a day for care or trying to get to a college veterinary school four hours away for maybe a third less. All of this was to maybe struggle to keep her going just to get to the point of a major surgery that would just hopefully give a diagnoses of what liver problem we were facing. One of those three potential problems was always fatal. The other two might be treatable if we could keep her going and responsive.

But that choice too, was taken.

On Friday night she was wobbling when she walked. She still wanted to go out and she used the bathroom. But her stool was solid black and that is never a good sign. She crawled onto the sofa-chair  (and I had to help her) which she has never done before and Autumn, my other Doberman refused to lay with her. That to, has never happened. Autumn was 6 to Nyx's 8 and the two have always been like Velcro to the other.


I knew what was going to happen then. She struggled to drink water. In less then 24 hours she had gone from pretty normal to an almost non-functional dog. She drank, settled down and I let myself think of what I could and could not do.

But with the morning came death. From active to unresponsive. Rational mind won against emotional. I had watched this happen to many times during my time as a veterinary assistant. My dogs body functions were shutting down in front of me. When the vet office opened my mother and I created a stretcher with her blanket and took her into the vet to be euthanized on Saturday morning.

How did it happen so fast? Liver failure is often that way. If there are no other signs, it can be days after the first ones appear that we stand before the gates of death. But it is hard to accept. Last week, we decided to get a puppy. We had talked about being dogless, getting a different breed, but we finally decided to add another Doberman. Sage, my afghan hound is 11. Nyx was 8 and that was young enough not to be bothered by the puppy and old enough that we needed to think of the future while she could still teach the new one things. Last week, not having Nyx at the end of January when the new puppy comes home never occurred to me.

None of this really makes sense although I understand it clearly. I sat with my girl even though I do not believe she knew anything at that point. I did it because it is my responsibility. She has been mine since I first met her at 7 weeks of age. She followed us around when we went to meet the litter and sat on my feet. She came home at ten weeks of age and she was mine till I sat on that floor with her head in my lap and let her go.

She is not the first pet that I have put down. She won't be the last. It is terrible. People always say that they don't want to think about it and they don't think they could do it or handle it. My opinion has always been that the time we have them makes it worth it. It is a terrible, terrible pain when it comes. But, as lost and empty as things are right now without her, the eight years prior to that day give the strength to make it through those last moments.

And then we just keep going. Life isn't only about the good things. It is also about the unpleasant ones. We can let it make us who we are. Or we can use it to mold ourselves into what we want to be.

I miss my dog. I appreciate what she gave to me all of these years. I've spent a lot of time looking at my mistakes. Those moment loom up brightly right now. From them I will learn. I'll endeavor do better next time and, hopefully, I can improve myself as a person.

Friday, December 4, 2015

Personal Days

Hey there,

I've had a crazy week. Last Friday my hot water heater died. It made for a long, cold weekend until it was fixed. At the same time, one of my dogs started acting ill. I got her into the vet on Thursday and spent a lot of money running a lot of tests.

I also posted a picture of her at the end of testing day on twitter. Her entire chest and belly are shaved from ultrasounds so she got her jacket to keep warm and a place on the heated blanket on my mother's bed.


I discussed Nyx's name a few months ago. I post pictures of her pretty regularly.

She is an eight year old Doberman Pincher and I named her before I knew anything about Eve. She is named after the goddess Nyx. She is also named after my German Shepherd, Nox. Nox's name was the roman translation of Nyx. Naming Nyx after Nox appealed to me because she would grow to fill his shoes.

There is a lot about me I've never shared with Eve. Nothing weird or nefarious. My closet is skeleton free. However, my passion for dogs is not something I've often discussed. I've spent most of my adult life working with dogs. They are my hobby. From conformation shows to working dogs, its always been one of my major passions.

Dogs are dogs. It makes working with them easy to remember. No matter how good they are. No matter how good they have been. You always have to remember that they are dogs. They are not people and while I may call my dogs my babies and refer to us as Mommy and Daddy, I don't think my dogs are human. They don't replace children. They are dogs and I appreciate them for being dogs.

The side effect of dogs being dogs is that they are dogs and not people. And that's what brings me to write today.

Nyx is dying.

I am looking at the fact that I will probably be putting her down next week unless heaven opens up and vomits out a miracle. She is only eight and that makes a hard thing harder. In my mind, I had placed Sage my eleven year old Afghan Hound as the next pet I would have to deal with losing. She's tied with Qwinn my cat that turns 15 in March. In my own way I had started to process and accept their age and what that brings with it.

But, not for Nyx. No. Nyx is eight years old and vibrantly full of life. Or, she was until two days ago. When I got her into the vet and then the specialists for changes in eating and drinking and discovered she is in liver failure after eight years of perfect health.

I don't write this for pity. That may sound bitter but please know that it is not. When you take a pet into your home you also take the end of that pets life into yours. I have always asked myself if it will be worth it to deal with the pain when I have lose them. The answer to that is yes. That does not stop it from being is a terrible thing. There is a lot of guilt involved each time. I always wonder if maybe I was a better owner bad things wouldn't happen. I know better. I worked for years as a vet tech soothing people who where in my place. But its easier to hold someone lose through their pain then experience it myself and know that someone that has existed in my life for almost a decade will be gone. I wonder if I had more money would I be able to throw it at endless diagnostic work in the slim chance that something could be done. It is a lot to think about and none of it is fun.

I do write this to work through my own thoughts some. It may not be fair to share such personal anguish with others. Many of us have lost a pet or will lose a pet. It is not the type of memory that one wants to have.

This is probably not going to be a very good few days for me. I'm not going to try to wrap my head around the patch notes and weekly updates. I don't think I have the emotional energy to listen to the problems of others at the moment. I have some hard decisions to make and I keep hoping that maybe it will all go away and work out fine. Maybe. The chances of that are unfortunately low and I am struggling with accepting that right now.

I won't be thinking much about Eve until this is resolved. I felt it was only polite to let people know why I was suddenly inactive. Right now though, I can't think of anything else but the next few days. The world does not stop because we have personal loses. You still get up. Go to work. Pet the dogs. Pick up the cats. I'll probably mindlessly do things and pet the dog while we see what options are available and how she handles each day.

Reach the patch notes. A few changes are coming in.

And... I'll talk to you all in a few days we will see what happens.

Sunday, November 29, 2015

CSMX - Post #37

It seems the week was not as calm as I thought it was. I do not watch streams and I have decided to step away from several areas of Eve media for a bit. Because of that, I've slowly acquired second hand knowledge of things that are coming.

It seems that links are headed towards being on grid. This I learned second hand from a stream that CCP Fozzie was on. I don't know what stream or when. It is not surprising news. Changes to links were always dependent on Brain in a Box. With that deployed it looks like CCP has made their decision to change links. I have no knowledge of what their plans are.

I have also seen some references to Rorqual sized mining drones. This, as far as I understand, was announced and shared at Eve Down Under. I did not know it was on the board nor do I have any further details about it. I will assume that it was during something CCP Larrikin discussed as that he is the lead on Capital changes.

CCP Fozzie has also released the Logistic Frigate stats on the forums. With that is the changes to remote repair modules, their tiericide and the fall off information. CCP Fozzie has included graphs in the forum post.

There have been some worries about Command Destroyers cropping up. We've reached out to CCP Rise and his team with questions about chaining jumps and are nullified ships exempt. Hopefully, we will hear some further details. There appears to be both excitement and apprehension in the air about their ability to move other ships and what that will do to the future of fights.

Outside of game design, the Art Team has released a dev blog discussing the future of filth. It seems we are dirty, dirty people. Your ship will get filthy being spun. Instead of looking into the fact that everyone has some quality control issues with their air scrubbers, we're going to wash the ships. I think its good we have clones because this station air must be damaging our lungs. It explains the captain quarters door?

You may see some new streams coming up on CCP's Twitch Channel. They are trying stuff out and seeing if it interests people. They've done things from playing Eve to showing concept art to baking. Poke your head in if you like to watch things and see how you do.

As is apparent, I'm woefully under informed this week as to what is going on in CCP development land. That has not escaped my notice. It is embarrassing to admit, but I'm not going to pretend I was in the know when I was not. As to what will happen? We will see. I am not overjoyed at having people ask me questions and opinions about changes I didn't know were happening. While the development teams are not obligated to the CSM our working relationship, is in my opinion, not where it should be. I'd like to believe that this disconnect will be cleared up. One way or another I'll keep you updated.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Familiarity and Rememberence

On April 7th, 2013 I wrote this blog post and never published it:
Kittens was collecting corpses on a gate the other day and bantering with LR. LR pops corpses because they show up in his overview. Kittens collects corpses and feels that LR should scoop the corpses and deliver them to him instead of destroying them. It was a random discussion but it led to LR telling kittens that his job wasn't to collect corpses but to put kill on the killboard. That was his primary focus as a member of THC2.
I interjected at that point. Often times, with conversations like that, I try not to say anything. Often, I fail. But if the primary purpose in THC2 is to put kills on the killboard I completely, and totally fail at that. LR was kind enough to give me an exception clause for the other things that I do and Diz stepped up to say that as long as people are having fun things are successful.
However, I clung to that exception clause because I do not like it. I do not have a particular desire to be a special snowflake that people make special rules to accommodate. Yet, THC2 has never been truely defined as I've understood it. It is a PvP corporation that lives in low sec with members that run around and do things. There is no greater focus but enjoying the game with people and good company.
Therefore, whenever someone tells me that it is defined in one way or another, I become uncomfortable. The closest I have ever come to leaving was when I was told that when I applied I agreed to a list of things that had never been discussed. It was unimportant things and the entire argument started over my not wanting to go to the test server to PvP practice against corporation mates. I was never asked my reason for not wanting to enter into that situation and I was pissed off enough that I never offered it up.
The simple reason I do not do 1v1s or spar with people that I know is because of the competitive aspect of it. It becomes about winning, and owning each other, and bragging. Even when it is one hundred percent good natured socialization , my distaste for competitive behavior makes it an unappealing situation for me. With Eve being my personal recreation I refuse to do something,just because I am told to do it. That causes me that much unpleasantness.
Thus, the entire, putting kills on the killboard thing left me with an unpleasant feeling. I'm a niche player. For whatever reason, I find random off the path things interesting. I like to salvage. I like building the random things I find exploring. I'm enjoying running a low sec market. I do a lot of things but I cannot say that any of the things I do puts kills on the killboard as a primary occupation.
I'm not a good PvPer. I doubt I ever will be. Any situation where my stats will be judged is a situation where I will fall short.
I stopped writing this post because it turned into one of my endless thoughts on my lack of PvP ability. I'd wander in circles about this, struggling with the same problems over and over until I was tired of myself. I still suffer from these feelings. It has led me to accept that I need to find where I fit in Eve as a future project.

Since then THC2 has gone silent. LR has quit the game. Diz has moved on to 7-2. I still chat with Ender and he plays on my Minecraft server. I picked this post because it was the last time I talked about Kittens. Shortly after, he unsubbed and I've missed him. Kittens was in my very first corp so I have known him since my second week of the game.

Yesterday, he logged back in and is giving Eve a bit of a try again. I don't have a home to offer him. However, his good nature and fun personality has always done well by him. I am overjoyed to see him again. There is a bubbling feeling of joy to see someone that I so enjoyed again.

Motivation

My current lifestyle changes comes with the ability to exercise a lot more. I'm logging in serious hours on foot these days much to the hopeful happiness of my future booty and belly. As part of my monitoring, I decided to indulge in a FitBit. I chose one that checks my heart rate constantly and has cute features, one of which is being a watch. I really needed the watch.

With the american shopping Holiday here, I decided to wait for a sale. The sale came and I picked up my expensive gadget at a little less expensive. Everything arrived today and I chortled to myself while I synced it to my phone, told it that I was indeed very fat. All set with my device, I've spent the day trying and failing to ignore my arm. I've not worn a watch in about ten years so having one has been very disorienting. However, its more then a watch and occasionally I look at the various stats and chortle while hoping I don't become a bad review on Amazon in a week or two.

I'm coming into the Eve stuff, honest.

This evening, after the evening dog walk my wrist buzzed. I giggled a bit and checked it. To my amazement, my phone was congratulating me on my first 5k steps and gave me a reward badge for it. It then emailed me and told me I was an amazing person and to keep going, I was only halfway to the 10k steps.

I explained to my new toy that this was a day off and that I was not going to do another 5k steps. I was going to sit on my butt in my chair and vegetate in bliss. I also thought the entire badge thing was stupid and I went to seek a way to turn it off. After an hour, I started to come to the conclusion that in fact, I cannot turn off the badges. My device will continue to reward me for these things.

The interesting bit was along the way I found that everyone else was looking to make sure their rewards where turned on. There was a bug at some point and people couldn't delete accidental badges. There was much sadness about it.

That leaves me staring at my wrist and realizing that badges motivate people a lot. Arbitrary goals contain a value that I do not understand.

It makes me think of Eve. We've had the badge discussion many, many times. The new Opportunity system lays down bread crumbs in little feel good success completions. CCP says that they are more appealing to new players then the old drop into tutorial missions. When I spend time learning that I cannot turn off rewards and that everyone else around me is charting them, I understand that I may be the strange one here.

I don't find myself liking the idea of badges anymore. I also don't want a pink Stratios. Yet, Mynxee who I dearly love, would adore one. It makes us different and nether of us wrong. It is not that I will suddenly jump and advocate for badges in Eve (if one ignores that Opportunities already are).

But, as I look at my wrist and press the button again (because its blue!) I do find myself questioning motivation.

Thursday, November 26, 2015

Not an Eve Thanksgiving

I'm tired.

My month of a weird, mixed schedule has come to a close. Because of it, I have the next four days off and I am quite looking forward to them. I'll probably be able to think about Eve again. While my new position makes work much more pleasant, nothing makes the hours shorter.

Today was Thanksgiving. I worked it as I have for the bulk of Thanksgivings during my adult life. Please, don't pity me. I've never worked a normal office job where you get holidays off. I have no idea what that life is like and I don't miss what I've never had. Plus, I am a holiday Scrooge type as far as I can tell.

While we don't do a Thanksgiving spread, we do like the traditional foods. Turkey is not something I often make. They are to big for a two person household. My husband also has no deep link to Thanksgiving. He is British after all. Instead, we order a Thanksgiving meal from Bob Evans. It's quite delicious and it is how we have had a sensible, easily managed and consumed Thanksgiving.

Thursday, being a work day was out for eating together. We did so on Wednesday instead. Our meals are not formal. Little in my life is. That left Thursday morning for me to prepare a container of food to go to work with me. I also made a salad and grabbed an apple. I've learned the hard way not to expect to find food during major Holidays.

It was around 1600 and I was hungry but my co-worker had no food. We'd have some dining options in a few more hours but we'd already been at work for six hours by then. Ready to dive into my lovely dinner, I didn't want to do that in front of him. How does one indulge in a luxurious dinner while their coworker still has a few hours to eat.

One shares. I'm a sharer. It is a curse really. It left me with two choices. Don't eat or offer half of my meal.

I offered. He accepted with true appreciation. I keep actual supplies in the office. I broke out the plates and silverware and divided everything up. I warmed it and served him his half. I warmed mine up and we settled down and ate. It was not a lavish meal. I had packed my favorite bits. Some turkey and dressing both slathered in gravy. Some corn and a heavy handed helping of cranberry sauce.

It wasn't the biggest meal I've ever had. It did not leave me stuffed to the gills. I'm quite hungry now, eight hours later now that I am home for the night. I wish that I had known what would have come. I would have packed more. Yet that whimsical thought is foolish, for it was not a preplanned thing.

But as I recounted the story to my husband he said, "You had a real Thanksgiving dinner, you know. The kind you complain about people not having."

"True," I said to him as we walked our evening walk with the dogs. "It is one of the better ones that I've had."

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

In Which I am Not Socially Acceptable for Public View

Who knew that having terrible reception at work for the last two weeks would be such a positive. I feel nice and clear headed.

For those that attended Eve Vegas, CCP sent out a survey. I appreciate these things and I try to write honestly. I liked most of the events. I also have little else to compare the event to. Eve is the only game that I play that interests me enough to go to wider events.

I did hate on the party. The music was horrifically loud and increase in volume during the night. I suspect as people consumed their alcoholic beverages and their voices rose, the music went up to compensate. All that meant was by 2200 it was unbearably loud and I was yelling at people standing directly beside me.

The first year that I went to Eve Vegas, I skipped the party. The second year I went, but left after a bit of speaking to no one and watching people mingle. The view atop Rio was amazing and I drank that in for several hours. The third year, having been elected to the CSM, people actually talked to me. It was such an amazing and wondrous thing that I was somewhat excited to arrive for the fourth year.

My suggestion was to have the dress code announced. People were surprised by it last time and did not come prepared. I don't carry dress clothing with me most of the time or dress shoes. As expected there was some ruckess over the dress code. I understood people who grumbled because they'd have to dress up. What I did not expect was the people who would sneer at those who did not or did not wish to dress up.

Insults. Names. Belittlement. Snobbery. It is a non-ending cascade of reactions. I have no social life and never do I think about fashion. It left me a bit surprised. Why do people care what others wear? It is a larger question and one that is not new. My perpetual infatuation with the game and the community blind me to the flaws at times and I found myself disgusted by the ugliness of behavior over fancy clothing. The chances are that I am going to ruin your evening dressed nicely or not if something as terrible as a pair of jeans or sandals ruins your magical party night.

Is there a solution? The 'party' aspect of Fanfest and Eve Vegas seem to be entrenched into the expectations of the event. My personal opinion is probably not one to rely on considering my inherent dislike of social situations. I struggle to understand why clothing matters in these situations but somewhere in the vague area of acceptance I know that it does.

However, I've stood up to defend those that do not wish to dress up. Dress clothing makes me feel stupid, not attractive. I could go onto a multi page rant about my distaste for the subject. Let it be said that it is strong and made stronger by those who mock, scorn, ridicule, and smirk at others because of their dress. As far as I am concerned, I am that person and I do not care what society may say about the judgement made over a persons dress. I'm not going to stand by and accept what I disagree with.

It may be that my personality in these things is to forceful. I was told to 'calm down'. That irritated me. Why is it that if I disagree with a social norm, I am not calm? It seems that I may be to blunt or straight forward. Instead of slowly ramping up to a topic I instead stand up and deliver a distilled version of my feelings. It seems easier to me but it also seems to make me 'in need of calming down'.

Ah well. My survey is filled out. I'll continue to champion normal American street clothing. Maybe I'm screaming at the wind. Still, there has to be some way to have a 'party' that isn't wrapped around clothing. Of course, I suspect I'm on the wrong side of the topic.

Ah well.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

CSMX - Post #36

Tis the season if you are into holidays. Thanksgiving in the USA has been plowed over by the voracious market of Christmas. CCP Seagull released an update and inside of it is something called Operation Frostline. She suggests that you pay attention. Plus, we're getting new ships in December. A lot of new ships.

Dev blogs teach us all sorts of new things. Team Tech Co is the team behind Brain in a Box. While releasing this major update to Eve's Eveness, they also slipped in a CREST update that allows players to save out of game fits directly to their characters. Consider me pleasantly surprised. It is a useful quality of life update. I have studied the killboard of those I admire and stolen a fit or two. With these uploads, saved fittings and multi-buy, putting a ship together is becoming a smoother process. Hopefully, some of us will not need to go back to the market half a dozen times in the future.

I've been asked a few times if the skill point reimbursement is done. The answer is yes. Not everyone got hit with this so not everyone will have allocated skill points added.

Plus there was an o7 show on Thursday the 19th of November, 2015 for those that watch it. There is a section about the new destroyers tucked away in there for those that do not wish to wait. They are also running around on the test server in their early phase for those who want to play now.

Which reminds me of graphics. We have a lot of graphical updates. Some are quite lovely like ship damage. Others are not as exciting as they could be in my opinion. I do look at ships and ship explosions. There are all sorts of changes coming up and I'm worried that things will get dulled down like when ship explosions changed from a blue flash to a bit of gold dust.

The new camera is also driving people insane on the test server. Leave feedback. I've passed some along but CCP Goliath is super active in his threads.

There has been some question if the Eve Store's arrival before Christmas. CSM members have asked about it and the future of Eve products. Hopefully it will be online but there is no guaranty. It would be an unfortunate missed opportunity on all sides. The dearth of Eve merchandise for the player base is frustrating.

Eve Down Under is also coming up. I expect there will be more tidbits and goodies for those interested in what is coming up with CCP Larrikin stomping in his home ground of Australia. After that, things are winding up into the release and then the Christmas Holiday.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Enjoying the Nonfun

Having completed this build I pondered the slow drag of the last two months as I've worked on it. In the end, I did not enjoy building it. I am okay with that. I don't feel as if I wasted time. I'm not unhappy with my choice. There are no regrets. I tried something and after finishing it, I pondered my feelings for the situation.

Fun has been an elusive term for me. I enjoy a lot of things. Sometimes that enjoyment is only discovered once the process is over. It reminds me of some books that I have read. Page for page they did not thrill me but whenever I put them down and the entire story merged together I was entranced by it.

Trying things and the success and failures keep me going. I don't like to fail. I'd love to be perfect at everything that I do. I've yet to find the reality where I am always perfect. Instead, there is a base acceptance that I may or may not do well at something. Trying it what lets me figure it out.

There is a safety to an interactive video game that does not exist in the real world. I cannot just spin up a business and invest a chunk of my savings into it to see if I have any ability to make a profit off of selling things in my day to day life as I can in Eve.

Adventure. Fun. Not fun. Fun in not fun. What more can a girl ask for?

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A long day and a million trit short

Gasping and panting I dragged myself across the line of this capital build, finally. I am only about two months behind where I planned to be with it. Holy hell. My ability to focus on things in game and be productive has taken an incredible, embarrassing, and somewhat horrific turn.

In many ways I am still finding out how much doing something for someone else motivated me. Right now, I'm tired. The stress of hauling was to much so I paid to have a lot of stuff moved. That is burning through ISK that has no return because I have not made ISK in about six months.

The project I am working on does not motivate me. Jump, move, dump, build, jump warp, dock, move, move, move, find out I didn't bring enough stuff again, get, move, dock, jump, warp... etc. I've been doing the same things for years and I enjoyed it. But alone, it is not fun. It is just something to be done.

That left me staring at a less than one million ISK trit shortage with a resigned horror that made me want to just log out and walk away.

Instead, I laid on my virtual floor and moaned as I went to source a million Trit from what felt like the abandoned, burn, salted planes of Death Valley and debated aloneness while not being alone. The floor is a good place for whining.

It is my good fortune that I have a populated chatroom to hang out in every day. I appreciate the residents. They keep me company, entertained, and sometimes busy. Now and then they irritate me. Sometimes we fight. An occasional rage quit here and there. It is the normal, interactive stuff that comes from people being people.

They keep me connected in a world that can easily become a quiet, silent, lonesome journey. I can see how easy it would be to roll off of Eve's grid. Sometimes I crave it. The busy, frantic pace of the last year and a half has worn me down with its frantic energy and non-ending floor of information. It is consumptive but also destructive and I find myself dearly missing that time when I had others in my corporation chat that mad me smile to log in.

I did not expect my loneliness. I have spent so much time in the game doing things on my own. But on my own was not the same as alone. I always had the warm presence of a corporation at my back. I enjoy the co-op work tremendously. While I was sold on Eve only a few days into my trial, it is playing Eve with others that led me down this particular rabbit hole.

Other people motivate me in Eve. They make me excited. They make me mad. I've created entire projects that spanned years just to prove someone wrong who did not even know they had angered me and probably don't know my name. But, that never bugged me. I did it to prove them wrong not rub it in their face.

Yet, I've also developed a bit of a fear in finding a corporation. Does anyone actually want me? Am I anything else other than the CSM name? Am I even a good corporation mate? I'm stubborn and particular and tend to dig in my heels when someone else hands me rules. I've failed my last two corporation attempts. Maybe I'm a bad seed.

Being mostly along proves to be an interesting place to reflect. Mostly, I say. Not totally. I have to many awesome people to keep me company every day to whine that much.

I also got that trit purchased and the final build is going in.

Finally.

I'm just gonna lay here.


Monday, November 16, 2015

Imaging

The difference in price for a Prorator between Hek and Jita turned out to be about fifty million ISK. Thank goodness I misread my asset list.

The misread happened when I attempted to plug in a build and got an error on megacyte. Of course I did. I'm almost done the build and things have been going well. Something had to happen. I think I have enough of everything else. I think. These are the times that I wish I was a spreadsheet guru. I would have automatic tables built in that told me things. As it is, I stumble around and bump my head into the well until a ship is built or I pass out.

I decided to go with Friction Nozzle Joints. Where I am going if I am caught I am dead. On the flip side, hopefully no one will be around when I jump in and my paranoia will make me chuckle a bit. Maybe.

Being on my own, fitting ships is more about what I want to do with them. With no meta to worry about and no fleet doctrine to fit to, I have spent more time scrolling through modules to see what they do and to see what I want them to do.

I do know in the back of my mind that what things say and seem to do and how they actually preform are sometimes a bit different in Eve. There were also the nagging voices of 'how things should be done' to contend with. They told me I had to fit this module or that one so that people would not laugh at me if and when my ship died.

Ignoring the voices of reason and how it should be is a tremendous task. Because of my early integration into an experienced group, I've had most of my ship fits handed to me over the years. Not being a numbers person, I was happy with this situation. I downloaded EFT as I was told to do. I've played with it a few times. It is a very good tool but it is not one that keeps me fixated on Eve. And when I am fair, I've never used tools like that for any game.

The Great Right Way exists in many games. There are the right class, skills, and equipment to pick. Why this is something I've not rejected in Eve as I have in every other game interest me. When I attempt to break it down the major difference between Eve and other games I play is how much I am working with other people.

My gameplay has always been on my own terms. Playing with my best friend was easy. We had complimentary natural play styles. The only other game that I seriously played with strangers was City of Heroes. One of my most successful characters was a pure healer. She'd be invited to groups all the time. But, I remember when someone wanted a buff of some type. I had not learned it and they where shocked and irritated. I felt bad there to and a bit confused that they wanted things I had never really considered.

In the past, I've bantered about the term 'serious gamer' ever since I was told that I am not serious. I do not think that I can claim to not be serious as this point. I can reevaluate the term.

Serious:

  • having an important or dangerous possible result
  • involving or deserving a lot of thought, attention, or work
  • giving a lot of attention or energy to something
  • thoughtful or subdued in appearance or manner 
  • requiring much thought or work <serious study>
  • of or relating to a matter of importance <a serious play>
  • not joking or trifling :  being in earnest 
  • deeply interested :  devoted 
  • not easily answered or solved 
  • having important or dangerous possible consequences 
  • excessive or impressive in quality, quantity, extent, or degree 
If anything, serious is a ridiculously good word to define me. Instead, seeing that English has a lot of words to use, non-technical is perhaps a better term for my gaming style. I am not the archnerdtype that is into math and builds electrical panels from nothing but dreams and peppermints. I can discuss genetics and some sciences. It has long been one of my hobbies. I think that technical lack has been my weak point in Eve. I cannot ever get a correct load of materials moved while my husband can recite IP addresses like I can tell you the recipe to anything that I make.

Surprise, we're all different. Still. Just like the last time I thought about it. 

There is an urge to wallow in defense and justification of my view. Instead, I'm going to explore it a bit more. Wander back to where I was when I didn't know that there was a right way.

My blockade runner idea went fairly well. I did learn that I am not in my ascendancy implants. I must have jumped out of them some months ago and forgotten. I ran out of another material along the way. 

Back to Jita I go

Sunday, November 15, 2015

CSMX - Post #35

I'd like to thank everyone that responded to my search for experience in capital warfare in low security space. Please know that I am also glaring at you for not signing up before I started begging. Once I did people fell out of the bushes all over the place. Unfortunately, this is not a topic that I want to address based off of only my personal experience and knowledge.

Feedback has been coming in from Sisi about the changes to the camera. These changes where announced at Eve Vegas. For anyone willing to check out Sisi, please give the new camera  look. One of the major complaints I am hearing is that it does not have a 'classic' mode. It does cool things and detaches and such but the lack of 'normal' or 'classic' camera is bothering people, especially when it comes to manual piloting. I have also heard that it is lagging and sluggish. This, I expect will improve and I'll keep listening in.

Also on Sisi is the first changes to grid size. This one is staggering. CCP Nullarbor said at Eve Vegas that there wasn't a major reason to keep grids small. This current Sisi build has them much, much larger. If you used off grid pounces, they are now on grid. It will change instawarps if you used instas that went off grid. Etc, etc, etc.

There was a somewhat forlorn post on Features and Ideas asking if CCP looks at it. CCP Darwin answered, "Yes."  I often direct people at the Features and Ideas forum because it is read. Not having a developer comment on your post or not having your idea implemented did not mean it was not read and considered. The other factor is time. There are very few 'easy' and 'small' and 'simple' changes when one looks at the list of ideas vs what it would take to implement them. Development of the game happens over months and years. No matter how good the idea and how much they may want to implement it, they almost always take time. Even easy things may sit in the backlog for months. I have projects that I started last term that came to fruition this term or will happen after I leave office. Saying that things take time is not a desirable answer but it is a true one.

More information has been bouncing around about the destroyers. I believe there is commentary going on during the Amarr championships. I do not watch the competitions so I cannot speak as to what hte developers say. They are looking to be interesting enough that I kind of want to fly one.

I had an interesting question posed about the potential future of abandoned citadels. Currently, derelict POS are a pain in the butt. You have to war dec to remove them so that you can plant your POS down. The difference with citadel is that they are not limited to a moon. You do not have to remove them to put yours down. However, there will still be irritating abandoned structures in space. Opinions?

And talking. Probably tomorrow around 2000. Depends on life and spousal obligations. But, talking reminded me that Mynxee reminded me that the Market chat I did with Signal Cartel is available. This is not secrets to making 90 dollars an hour working from home. It is just my views and approaches to my market or if I were setting up a new one. It is mostly how I think. My marketing style is not regimented and price set. It is a flexible, living thing that changes with its environment. I think its low maintenance. Others may not.

I'm sure I missed stuff. I have been working a lot a lot. It will continue into the end of the month, just in time for the misery that is the holiday season.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Walking Along

To my surprise, I woke up around 0830 this morning. I wasn't expecting that. These last two weeks I have manipulated my schedule to accommodate a co-workers needing to take leave at the last minute. With my new position this type of manipulation is easily approved. However, it has been exhausting as I've compressed my schedule.

That's how I found myself awake early, wanting to try my new boots on. I think I would have slept in if it were not for the boots. Anyway, I tried them on and they look great. But! I remembered to do some Eve stuff.

I have managed to drag most of the supplies for my project into low sec. I've been building away, much to my great glee. But, watching some of the comments on multi-buy from Vov as he was debating doing some runs on T2 ships. I realize that it is another feature that I've supported and cheered into the game but haven't gotten a chance to use.

There is so much Eve to relearn and learn. I'm rather excited. I am sure that I will soon run out of minerals. I never, ever, ever buy the correct amounts the first time. Hopefully, this means I will get a chance to try out multi-buy.

And I need to move my one cyno pilot around who is also a research pilot. Ugh. maybe, tomorrow?

My question of the day was someone asking what my corp meant. For not, not much. It is some thought about my general interest in neutrality. Having not succeeded in staying in ether of my last two corps, I've decided to figure out what I need and want. Do I want to make a corp? Do I want to join a corp? I don't know. I have nothing to give a group right now. That, I have well learned and it is not a mistake I plan to repeat again. After, when I am a person and not an office, I don't know.

Eve has changed a lot. I had hoped to come through this entire thing unchanged and happy with a string of successes to wear like pearls around my neck. Things have not quite gone in that fashion and experience has forced its relentless path through my personality and interests.

Now is the time for musing. Spring will be the time for action.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

For the Sake of Spite

I did it. I dove deep into the Fallout 4 void for the day. It was lovely. I've been working a modified schedule at work and my days off are out of wack. Plus, my husband has first dibs because unlike me, he does not care for spoilers

I was skimming reddit on Tuesday and I saw people raging out about spoilers. Some where accidental. Different people have different enhancements for reddit and some show pictures. Other's where purposeful, planted by ether members of our community or other's who had decided to creep in and upset people.

It is my great fortune that I am not spoilt by knowledge of the end of something or what will happen. Why this is, I am unsure. I'm prone to read the ending of a book that I find very enthralling if I catch myself reading to fast or skipping bits to get on with it. It does not ruin it for me. It lets me appreciate hte journey to get to the ending. That trip is what I enjoy.

My husband also enjoys that trip. However, the first time he meets the ending he likes to be surprised. He will then go back through and play a different way. Once he has exhausted that, he will check to see if he missed any experiences. He drains a game like Fallout/Skyrim/GTA dry of its content.

I took a hiatus from the internet community for about six years. I played games and was online all the time, but I did not belong to any community. I had given up forums. I had moved away from my MUD. My world was a very small place composed of my dogs and my husband until I found Eve. Because of this, I missed the rise of reddit and twitter. When I came back into the interactive community of the internet I discovered myself in a place where things like spoiler trolling was normal and faggot had become acceptable language to some.

Often I feel weirdly out of place and time. The spoilers that I saw in the Eve community for Fallout reminded me of the ones planted by groups in the game. I've always thought that they were mean. I say that as someone who cannot be spoilt by knowing what happens in a story.

Meanness on the internet? Who knew?


Tuesday, November 10, 2015

A Random Not Really Eve Conversation

This is not really an Eve related post but because I shared it on Twitter, it goes here for those wanting to see the entire story.

On the Sunday at Eve Vegas, I got a text message from an unknown number. It said, "You back yet?"

I left a "?" behind. I had given my number to a few people so I had no idea who was messaging me.

They never responded. I didn't think much of it until I received a message this evening during a lull at work that said, "Hey faggot" from my unknown number.

There are a lot of ways to respond to that. I decided to do the simple thing and say, "Good chance it is the wrong number" in response.

They responded, "No its not."

Now, I got mischievous. I will admit I was interested in what would happen if I talked to someone that greeted me with such energy as I felt in that hearty "Hey faggot" I received. I've seen amazing text message conversations before and I wondered how I would do.

Yes, you have to look at the pictures. We conversed on my phone but I pulled it out of my hangout chat for hopefully easier reading. I tried to cut and paste and it was an ugly mess.






I have no idea if he believes it is his friend or not in the end. I felt we bonded during this process. He is willing to come visit and I do believe in the end, I guessed his name correctly.

I also realized that someone may accuse me of talking to myself. That is kind of a fascinating possibility too.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

CSMX - Post #34

Remember, remember, the third of November... did I get that right?

Eve online: Parallax was released successfully full of bugs. It is not as bad as it could be. Brain in a Box was released and while it has been running wild in wormhole space, giggling and harassing the residents, for the most part the defects have been swiftly attacked.

Your skills might be broken. Your links may not work. Your wormhole life may be confusing now that you have eight high spots on your probing frigate. Duel training might not be what you'd like it to be. And if the POS or POCO that you shoot laughs at you, don't worry. Fires are being put out at good speed.

The new scanning interface has been released as an opted in beta feature. This has made some people mad. They don't want to be testers for CCP. I've learned that testing is a touchy subject and people don't want to put their free time into testing and everything should be perfect when released. If you don't like it, please go to your escape menu and opt out. However, the scanning is going to change. CCP Goliath has been amazing with his responsiveness. I direct all feedback to this thread because he is taking care of business.

On structures. Somewhere in the background I am gnawing through the structure blogs and updating the FAQ. However, we've made progress on having large Citadel deployed from Orca. This was due to the 'I have capitals in my wormhole and need a large for them but I cannot deploy one until I build a one time use freighter just to deploy it,' circle that it created. People where mad after Vegas. Hopefully, they will be less mad.

I've also put up two posts in the Faction Warfare section of the forums. One is about anchoring Citadels and the effects on the war zone. The other is about bonuses for the controlling faction for their Citadels. I've gone back and forth with CCP Nullarbor about my concerns with being able to put a dockable structure in a system which currently has docking restrictions to NPCs. As the Citadel release date nears, I'm tapping into the community to try to cover this topic to the best of my ability before the release of them. Then, when people yell at me I can wag my finger and go, "Nuh uh."

"Is CCP ever going to rebalance [x module]?" Yes. When they get to it. More module rebalancing is now out by CCP Larrikin. He is touching Warp Disruption Field Generators and going over Neuts and Nos. The side effects of some of these changes is that I have seen complaints about the increases in distances. Thoughts?

CCP Larrikin is also running his own Capital Ship Soundboard. As with CCP Fozzie's T3D soundboard, the CSM is not involved in the setup or running of these project. While they are similar to the idea Sion floated, it is not the idea he presented. CSM members may apply and may or may not be selected. I believe CSM members can request a 'watcher' status as Mike did for the T3D discussion but I have not looked into this.

The presentations from Eve Vegas are all up and avilable on the Uploads channel of CCP's Eve Online YouTube page. I don't have a link for you because my tablet and the app are not agreeig with what I want.  CCP Quant's presentation has been wrapped into a dev blog with all of his delicious graphs. There is a lot of information here for the information hungry. We got to see this at the Summit and I am very pleased that it has been released.

It has been a bumpy week. Manifred Sideous was removed from the CSM by CCP. There will not be further details from CCP about this.  Because it is 'drama' people immediately wanted public statements. This always makes me squint and narrow my eyes. It is that crossover between real world politics when media storms happen around people and  the virtual position and what people expect from it. You will not see me resigning over it. As the information has been presented, I understand the reasons and am comfortable with CCP's decision.

CSMX has suffered a loss of members. Corebloodbrother's resigned. Gorga was removed for inactivity. Manifred has removed by CCP. It has spawned rumors that the CSM is being dissolved. Those were supported by a comment made by a developer. Other's say that we are useless and the process is a joke and a popularity contest. I'm always a bit let down when i see people that I like and respect call the CSM a joke. It may be my failing that I've not proven the value that the CSM can have. It is very clear that there is still a lot of murky, opaque walls blocking things.

Someone noticed I seem resigned about the skill trading system that was presented. That is because I am and I believe that it is going to go forward. That leaves me in a situation where I can dig in my heels and say no and in general have a snit fit over it. Or, I can express my grievances and disagreement and then move forward to collect the thoughts, ideas, and opinions of the players and do my best to put energy into make the system the best that it canbe. I'm not sure which is the correct choice or if this makes me a hypocrite. It is the one I've decided to make. If I am going to preach working for what you want, communicating, and spout goals of making Eve the best that I can, I have to actually try to do that.


That leaves a talk next weekend. I'll try to get Corbexx along and Thoric said yes. I should be able to run two next Sunday if that is of interest.

Saturday, November 7, 2015

For Want of Blue

Since the first, awkward implementation of the SKIN system, I've been a supporter. There is the fact that it has been a long requested feature in EVE Online. Many a player has fallen in love with a ship simply for its design. I've been one of them. I also fall in love with ships for their abilities and the joy of flying them. But sometimes, it is their design.

With the approach of the skill packets, I decided to get more familiar with Aurum. It means gold. I walked by a jewelry store in Reykjavik named Arurum. I went, "Ah." That was for the most part my interaction with the word and the item.

Shopping is not my strong point. At Vegas, I dithered over buying a mug because shopping. I've been the one screaming 'mugs' in the background constantly. Yet, no mug came home with me because I'm not an impulse buyer. I have to not only like it and want it, I need to like it and want it a few days later too. But, this isn't about my mug. Not really. It is about my sometimes shopping for items in the NeX store.

I'm not against cosmetic monotization. City of Heroes got me for a few sets of wings. They did nothing but flap when I flew and jumped. Amazing. I'd fly around just to watch my wings flap. I am that person that will look at my ship just because it is pretty.

But, dither. Do, I really want it? Do I want it today? Tomorrow? Do I fly it enough to get it? God its blue. But should I? What if I don't want it anymore? And so forth and so on until I do or do not buy something. I was gifted the Kador Omen skin, which I often sit and admire.

So, there I was flipping through the stuff in the store and I stumbled across the Kador Providence skin.

It was love. So blue and silver and shiny. So blue.. mmm.... and Arum costs 5 dollars for 900. That's not so bad right?

Yeah. Until I looked at it and saw that my skin would cost twenty five dollars if purchased from the NeX store. Ugh. Or, I could buy it for 1.7 billion in game. Sigh. I don't know if I want it that much. I don't think I do for I have not pressed ether button.

But gosh, its blue.


But twenty five dollars worth of blue?

It would be easier if I were richer in game. Maybe. I think I'd still dither but I could justify it better. I fly my Providence a good bit. I switched it to from the Charon after freighters gained low slots for the tank. I love its pretty shell that gracefully flares out from the body. Its somewhat insecticide and blimp like.

There is also a blue and white cybernetic arm that I'm longing for that hasn't been released yet. You can find its picture surfing the market. I'd probably go for one of those.

Friday, November 6, 2015

This being a person thing. I seem to have it. Sorry about that.

It has always been a habit on this blog for the author to write about whatever is on the authors mind. That would be me and my mind with this being my blog. I write about the good and I write about the bad. I sometimes regret that I do this. Not for actual personal regret, but because it always has unexpected side effects. Being someone who spends their time examining their personal motivation, I'm often left confused that other people do not.

Basically, I mean what I say and it confuses me when and that other people do not. I'm a terrible lair. Not because I cannot lie but because I am interested in the truth and lies get in the way. Often times, when things are said to me, I try to do the water off a ducks back. Know that I am actually terrible at doing this. "Why did they say that? What caused them to mean that? Where? When? How? Can it be fixed? That was not the intent, how can greater clarity happen?" That's me and it seems that's wrong. It causes me a lot of confusion and irritating people trying to understand why something was said.

However, let me make it clear that as much angst and concern as Eve may cause me, my life isn't doing poorly. My husband said he likes me still. I just asked him. We hit thirteen years together in January and he said that I have to keep him. My jobs fine. I recently got a lateral transfer that's something of a promotion. More free time, less supervisors, and a bit more pay. In February, I'll have been with my employer for ten years. I, as an individual, am fine. I've discovered that admitting to emotional angst or confusion about my game interactions and efforts has caused some confusion. Hopefully, that helps.

Let's have some Friday night justification! I pondered writing. I mean, writing stuff before seems to make me look like a train wreck. But, a good train wreck deserves to be watched so I figured why not. It seems that my habit of honest discussion of emotions, thoughts, and reasons sometimes leaves people to believe something is wrong with me. Something may be wrong with me. I've struggle to understand why people just say things that are not true. I'm confused by meanness for the sake of meanness for no reason other then to put another person down. These things confuse me endlessly and the main place in my life that I experience this is in Eve.

So, I talk about it. Which may be wrong. It may be that I'm supposed to have a super ego and such an incredible opinion of myself that I chuckle at mortals attempting to knock me from my pedestal of confidence. But, I've been doing things like blogging and playing Eve the wrong way for four years now. I might as well keep it up.

At the end of the day, Eve is a game. However, that game is populated by people. The people are what fascinate me. I like Eve well enough but the game mechanics, the spaceships, the clicking and forgetting Isogen to do my capital building are not what motivated me to run for the CSM. What motivated me where the people. The very real people that populate the game. They improve my life. I've discovered so many amazing people playing Eve online that I am thankful that I picked up this game on December 1st, 2011.

I'd not have met so many people. I'd not be getting council on my writing from Wex. I'd not be planning a day trip to Mynxee's because she lives an hour away and I want to learn to paint better. I'd not harass Corbexx on Skype in the evenings. I probably never would have traveled to Iceland and learned about the most amazing soup place or learned Vegas well enough for it to feel familiar. My list goes on and on. It's about the people every time.

So! The last few days have not made me smarter. I'll keep stumbling forward with honesty that makes people think I'm weak and breaking down. I want people to know that I haven't found the CSM to an easy burden. I learned that means being laughed at. Being a 'try hard' is a term I learned from Eve and I'm pretty sure I qualify with it due to my passion for the potential of the CSM. It isn't about people knowing that I work hard. It is so that everyone who runs for the CSM knows what they may face. It is so that everyone who has wondered about their CSMs knows what they may have been through. Its because I believe in information and sharing, even in video games on the internet about pixels that are shaped to convince my brain that it is a spaceship.

Due to my defects in judgement, my feelings are going to get hurt along the way. People are tough to work with. I'm going to be happy and sad. Sometimes I'll be mad. It is what happens when people interact with other passionate people. Because, when I can step back and sift through the insults and anger, I find other passionate people reacting and acting upon that passion.

I don't know of a world where we exist in a state that everyone around us does not matter. Where other people are just waste and refuse to be ignored. I find people fascinating. I find them worthwhile. I can lose hope, trust, respect, and love but I don't start out with it lost.

I can only apologize for how deeply I have thrown myself into the CSM. I don't really know how to be anyway else with things I undertake. That's just how the person behind Sugar Kyle is. Flawed. Passionate. Honest. And a bit dumb.

And now, having vented, I'm going to go back to the structure update.