Sunday, October 22, 2017

Eve's Lore

I was not introduced into the world of Dungeons and Dragons and Warhammer until I was in college. While it was a normal event for the people I wound up socializing with, in my part of the world such things were only heard of as vague news stories when something weird happened.

As an adult, I've found these worlds a bit hard to enter. I'm reading a Warhammer set right now involving dark elves. I've read some Dungeons and Dragons series and I've read some Warhammer 40,000. I enjoy the stories sometimes but other times the weight of the world the story must be carved gets to me.

Warhammer is big on this. It is so dark and grim that humor and character personality is so often lost in syncing the characters with the world. It sometimes makes it hard to care about the chracters because their path is predestined and scripted into the world.

I am a voracious reader. I read science fiction, fantasy, history, classics, true crime, and smattering of other stuff. This year I've been working to read a few new series (such as Discworld) and finish some that have been completed. I read an average of 1-3 books a week. Yet, I find myself struggling for the 4th or 5th time to work through the chronicles of Malus Darkblade.

That would mean little if I had not spent two weeks trying to create a work of Eve Fiction for the Pod and Pilot contest. I saw that it was going on and that I had time. I crafted a simple enough storytelling that draws heavily on my past game play and game interests. I started to write it and I found myself struggling with the same problem I have had every time I write Eve fiction.

Eve's world is hard for me to write about. The lore reminds me of the paintings on a cathedral ceiling. Complex. Beautiful. So far away I cannot sink into the details. I find that my ideas clash with the reality of Eve's world.

I hate pod pilots. I hate that the player is not the ship but that there is crew but they sit in this pod of goo. It seems so limiting. The pilot and the void vanishes against this backdrop and as I attempt to press my thoughts into shape they slither aside.

It is frustrating stuff.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Let's talk about corps and me

In the pages of this blog is a story. That story is a true one. It is a meandering, rambling path of a random person that logged into Eve Online and stayed there. There is a start but no end and very little definition as to what and who that person is.

My journey to find the right corporation for me has been short. I stumbled across my first corporation. I worked to prove myself to my second. I, bashfully and embarrassingly joined my third. I leap, hopefilled, to my fourth, and now like a girl with a string of long term relationships behind her and experience but no idea of the future, I don't know what I want.

"Make your own corporation, Sugar."

I've heard those words for a while. There is an appeal. it'd be an utter lie to say there is not. There is a seductive tone to it. A place where people came because they didn't mind being around me. There is also fear. Fear of failure. And, under that concerned.

Out of the main emotions the one that has always stopped me from creating a corporation is concern.

"Can I make an place that fosters a healthy, happy, productive, environment?"

I don't know if I can. I've never thought of myself as a leader. I'm a listener. I can get things done. I can support and enable. But, I am a drifter as well. One thing the great leaders in Eve have is a semi-solid goal and focus for people. My most tangible thing is the cult of behavior. But, behavior is not enough to create game-play for people.

You so, I very much believe in finding your own goals. I also know that not everyone can do that. Many of us need help. Ideas. A small, solid dock to build our personal tangle from. I don't think that is something that I can provide on such a grand scope. To accept the responsibility of others game-play is quite the serious thing in this world of internet spaceships.

Then there are politics. With two CSMs behind me, I know that I can ignore politics. The question is can other people ignore them and can they accept the consequences of ignoring such things?  It takes a while for a person or group to prove that they will not allow politics to make the decisions. It can be done but it is not an easy path and often not fun. There is a deep satisfaction for standing up for what you believe in. It is also painfully lonely and exhausting when that thing does not fit into accepted norms.

There are other problems. I don't have a deep knowledge of fits. I am not some bad ass fleet commander. Hell, I'm the chick that really never figured out PI. I could waffle over other situations. I have no idea if I will play Eve full time or in any meaningful way. I wander away from my computer. I haven't charged my headset in months.

But really, for all the technical and potential reasons, deep down, I don't see myself as a leader.

I'm just me.


Friday, October 13, 2017

What poor posture

Over the years, I have been accused of being male for many reasons. One that amuses me the most is because Sugar, the character's avatar has large breasts. Men make large breasts and women small ones, I was informed. Therefore, I am male.

No. Sugar has large breasts, yes. But, Sugar's breasts are not the maximum breast size in the character creator. Men often pick the largest breasts they can. I can pick guys because they have a stick thin avatar with an enormous chest. Sugar's fit her body. I took the time to play with the character creator and move my avatar up from stick with a horrific haircut to balanced looking, attractive woman.

But the posture. I noticed a new background on someones icon. Well... new to me. It was rather bright which caught my eye after years of dark backgrounds, with dark lighting, or just people angling their avatar to have the biggest breasts possible. That is if they put any energy into it at all.

This made me look at the character creator again. It looks as if poses have changed some. You can see more of the avatar. I also learned Walking in Stations was put down. Oh well.

That is how I entered into the exploration of new backgrounds and discovered that my avatar has terrible posture.  The poses have always been weirdly awkward. Who shoves their shoulder above their jawbone that way? But now, with more of the avatar viable, the horrid posture was startling.


After going through the poses and wondering if the implants in her spine gives her some unknown flexibility, I found that the neutral pose wasn't so bad. Her neck thou... just...

Maybe I'm not supposed to look at these things.

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Join my corp!

Such was the demand on twitter. I actually leaned back and blinked a bit.

Really? Wow. What a nice feeling. Sure, it was from a delusional person that liked me and forgot what a ninny I am. Also, my utter disconnect with my previous skills. It was still a nice feeling. And, without the CSM thing hanging over me again, I rediscovered what it is like to be sure an offer was about myself.

I do hate that suspicion that I developed. It made me shy away from any type of title in the final dredges of the CSM. That point where I walked away from Sniff, sent Sugar off to a little edge system and gave up undocking or playing. I curled up in my chain and sighed. How was I to tell who wanted me and who wanted the title? I'd had many, many offers that started with, "Come join corp X, we want a CSM in our corp." It was quite a sucky time and left me isolated when I had the most attention.

To channel Elsa again:

"The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation,
and it looks like I'm the Queen."

Unfortunately, such situations leave scars. If you don't work scar tissue, it becomes stiff and painful. Such is much of the Sugar Kyle bit of me. 

One of my biggest problems with joining a corp is that I cannot shut up. The behavior of my corpmates matters. I'm unable to fall very far off of my moral high horse. 

So why don't I go to Eve Uni and Signal Cartel?

Rules. Oh rules. So useful. So important. They drive me bonkers. You see, I am a rule follower. If I went to them I'd have to do what they say. But I don't want to, so I don't. I love Mynxee and I'd looovveee to go to Signal but the credo... I'm don't want to follow it. But even as I type that I wonder if I don't or if I'm just allowing my own stubbornness to control me. I don't want to PvP ether. Of course war decs make other ventures hard.

Hmm.

Time to end the post early and think.

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

Sekrits

"Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal
Don’t feel
Don’t let them know…"

The lyrics to 'Let it Go' are rather potent. Beyond the song and dance of Disney, they are remarkably flexible. Add that they are sung by an ice queen and it is quite a marvelous tune.

While hanging out for the sake of hanging out in Eve Uni Chat (yes, I'm still there. Wallflower forever!) skill points came up. Someone was pleased about their skill tree. I'm still unfamiliar with the new layouts so I had to ask what tree they meant. They posted their top notice that shows how complete you are in certain skill trees.

There have been some bitterness in this blog when it comes to the changes in skill points. I understand that things had to change. In some ways I don't resent the changes. Lack of resentment does not mean I like the changes. Think of it as when they changed the green skittles in a regular pack of original skittles from lime to apple. There was no need for it. It isn't original. Yet, a whole generation doesn't know that lime skittles once sat in that package. I'm still bitter but I'll eat skittles and leave the green ones behind.

But secrets. When he posted his skill list he made sure to neatly crop it. I was reminded of neat cropping. Don't let people see systems. Don't let them see chat windows. Don't let them see chat tabs. Don't share hangar contents. Dont... hide... conceal... 

So, I responded with this:


At first I was going to crop my skills. Then I asked myself what was I hiding? I expanded it to include Sugar's pretty little skull and pondered it. Automatically, years of habit had me hiding the information about her. 

"To continue to let Elsa speak for me:
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!"

I'm not quite as carefree as I'd like to be in this. I realize that the habits and fears and the hiding and embarrassment were still there. This is something I'd like to excise. It is something I have to if I ever want to do more then skim the edges of the game again.

I have never been ashamed of what I was and what I am. This very blog began because I couldn't find anyone struggling as they started Eve. Everyone was a bad ass and I wondered that I was the only idiot that couldn't figure out how to move their ship in space. I started writing to share what I was, because I do not believe there is shame in ignorance that you are trying to conquer.

I learned to hide my flaws. "Oh, you don't have level 5 in that?" No.. no I don't. I've been playing for six months, how can I have level 5 yet? "Oh you can't fit this? Fly that?" The sneers, for they where sneers and put downs, made me sensitive. I learned to show the edges and the pieces or not show them at all. Even today, I refuse to share ship fits because to share a fit is to face inevitable tear down and ridicule. 

I hate it. I really, really hate it. I hate hiding everything. I hate avoiding things. I understand why. There is to much enjoyment in this game when it comes to hiding and finding people. There is to much of Eve wrapped around the mythos of those that have destroyed from inside. I understand it.

I hate it still.

If there is ever to be any part of me playing Eve with any enjoyment, this has to go. If may mean someone hunts me down. If so, they are welcome to do it. I am not that interesting. If I am that interesting to someone, it will be a compliment. And, I'm filthy rich. I passed 100 billion in assets a long time ago. I may not be on the levels of the ultra wealthy, but no one is going to case me to weep for lack of Jaguars or Sleipners in my hangars.

"Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
I don’t care what they’re going to say.."

I've always cared. I'm not the person that is not harmed by words. I wish I was. I'm not. I'll never be. But, I can stop caring about the people that say those nasty words. As I've drifted away from Eve and stopped needing to speak in such as way as to communicate to anyone, not just that wanted to hear, I got back my ability to flap my wings. Sadly, no wings but I can make due with what I have.

"It’s time to see
What I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong
No rules for me
I’m free!"

Maybe. We may see. No promises just yet.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Someone fire the ship cleaners

My golden pod is not golden.

Back when I was neck deep in Eve, I was one of the first to jab myself in the butt with a syringe full of pod-be-gold. I received a lovely permanent ... gold - I guess - plating. I liked it. Sleek and sparkling, it glittered in the starlight. However, today, when I decided to strip from my ship and admire the glittering reflection of my pod, I noticed that its butt was a bit... well... pewter.


It must be the angle.


Nope. My butt had gone pewter at some point. In a dark, dried part of my brain, a memory shuddered and flaked off. I picked it up and through the crumbled edges saw something about ship washes. I shook the memory but nothing fell out. The faint echo of proposals tickled my memory, but not enough for me to know how to wash my ship.

The simplest thing to do was ask. With a question asked and an answer received, I was now the proud finder of ship washing. Eventually. It took me a few minutes.


I hit the wash button and my pod looks exactly the same.

Welp.


Saturday, September 30, 2017

Intuition


A few people have asked me how he is doing. The answer is, "Just fine." He is 22 months old right now. His birthday is in November and he will be two.

Inty has been a lot of fun and a touch of a challenge. He is smart, stubborn, and good natured. He really, really wants what he wants without being hard to train. Mostly, it makes him look like an idiot. Autumn hates him and he has not yet, inn two years, figured out that she is not going to start liking him or want to play with him.


I forget that people don't see the goofy, cuddly creature that he is. (For size reference, he is on a king size bed). Instead they see this:


80lb (36kilo) of almost mature dog.

He has grown well. He is a sweetheart, and an utter asshole that flunked puppy school. Not because he doesn't know what to do but because he doesn't care. Inty loves other dogs the most. Other dogs are greater then treats, toys, and attention. I cannot compare. After all, he knows who I am and where I am. Why sit when we can MAYBE ALMOST interact with another dog?

Sigh. So much potential in such a silly package.


Friday, September 29, 2017

Fondness and change

I learned about the Endurance today. What a cute ship. Man, it tempts me to drop clones into wormholes. If I do undock, I should do wild and crazy things such as go against the rules of things. I should also do them with Sugar and try to beat out the embarrassment and avoidance that is so much a part of myself.

(Gotta check if Sugar has scanning skills...)

Anyway, the Endurance. How cute. Oh yeah and skins. So many now, huh? The Blood Raider skin was disappointing. To little splatter pattern. But, it led me to look at the Ore skins in general and that is when I discovered two things.

The Noctis is now Ore yellow and there are purple spaceships in Eve.


So I looked in the store and giggled because the Amarr Imperial skin makes the Avatar look like its face has been dipped in soot in the store image. It seems like purple is an industrial thing. (big raspberry to that) The purple Orca is kinda tempting.

What do I do with these clones?

What do you do with a bunch of clones fulla nice things?

And when will I believe that I can have nice things of my own?

What questions. After staggering throught he revamped menues I discovered that I've been sitting in my low grade slave clone. "Man, what an idiot," I thought to myself. "Wouldn't I have at some point changed to my training clone?"

It turns out, I had. I was misreading the menu and seeing my slave clone sitting there. I wasn't looking at my personal augmentations. Whoops.

My clones make me chuckle and shake my head. I've not lost one with anything real in it.

I still have my original +4 clone for example. I never upgraded to +5's because they are expensive (and yes I have billions of ISK and I still fret).

I have my low grade slave clone from my time in SnuffBox. I didn't get high grades because they are expensive and I fret about ISK (still with billions). I have no use for it. I don't enjoy armor and they are so damn fancy.

There was a point when I pondered self destructing and just getting rid of them. That seems wasteful and dramatic. I could self destruct alone in a corner somewhere that no one noticed. But, that just isn't me. I've always been a resource hoarder in any game.

Ah well. I guess I have plenty of empty ones hanging around.

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Safety is a Falsehood

Is this Eve ghosthood? A specter formed of thoughts and memories of times past? Are there chains for me to rattle and hearths to haunt? Should there be any perspectives and opinions from this outside opinion.

Upon closer inspection there is chainmail.


Rattling chainmail 200mm steel plates, the eerie blue haired specter of Sugar Kyle floats across the chat rooms of old. The discussions are a thousand whispers (after all she is docked at Jita 4.4) that flicker and flow. Are they memories or are they reality? So much has changed and at the same time, nothing has.

Over the years I spent a lot of time pondering safety and risk in Eve. I opined and write. In the end, when I no longer undocked and had given up PvP out of stubbornness, I came to the simple conclusion that safety and risk in Eve are defined by the players. In a game where there are no goal points, the player society has created dozens. These intangible, unenforceable, and subjective points are here because we as people seek to define the world around us.

It is not that Eve is not safe. It is that the player base decided that losing ships and items is bad.

Now, in a way it is bad. After all, I'd not log into other games and have things 'soul locked' to me and other such fun, sparkly terms if losing stuff wasn't an overall negative. I don't like losing things in life. It is rather stressful. The general loss of stuff isn't good. But it also shouldn't be bad.

Yet is is. In general, it is bad to lose ships in Eve. Undesirable. Unpleasant. It gets you laughed at. It can be the basis of scorn. And, it can become a thing of great pride when the proper person uses it as a tool and owns it.

Loss is fascinating in Eve. It doesn't play along the normal rule lines as one defines the word. Over the thousands of words that I wrote, they all danced around the simple core element. I did not fear loss. I feared the reactions when others knew of my loss.

"Safety is a falsehood," was something I read today. It made me sigh because the conversation was about someone that mined all night in null sec while asleep and didn't lose their ship.

"They always say some areas of null sec are safe," I said.

"Safety is a falsehood," was the response.

"That concept will consume you," was more or less my response. I don't feel like looking at logs.

"What?"

How do I explain that it is not about safety. It is not about risk. It is not about loss. It is about subjective goalposts and failing to meet them.

The thing that fascinates me about Eve has always been the social interactions and the strength of it while at the same time, independence and personal goals are touted. On the surface it is easy to see them as contradictions. But look past and it is a reflection of an interactive, complex gathering of people.

I doubt I'll ever stop finding this game fascinating.

Sunday, September 24, 2017

Your Skill Queue is Empty

It has been years since I heard Aura's voice. In fact, I'm rather sure it has changed since my first log in six years ago. But that original voice, I loved it. For those first few months, "Skill training complete," was a rush of pleasure.

I long ago turned off my volume for voice coms. Then I turned off my volume for chats with people. Now, my volume is rarely on. Yet, clear as day I could hear her little, cold and scornful notice that my skill queue was empty.

It has been a long time since that happened. I felt a bit bad. Neglectful, really. Skill queues were such an important part of my time in game. The months, weeks, days, and finally minutes until you could explode from the dock in a new fit... ahh I can still feel the adrenaline from it. I know it has changed but it is a fond memory.

While my future in Eve is still undefined, I find the launchers icon sits on my screen. I purged a lot of Eve from my day to day life. The launcher being there makes me think sometimes. Where am I now in things?

Also, I had someone reading through my blog and leaving comments. It brings me a warm happiness that somewhere in these thousands of posts, people find some amusement. Yet, when I write, I never thought that this would be one of the blogs gone quiet. Maybe because I was so loud in this little room.

I'm not totally done. Sugar's queue was topped back up.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

Busy, busy, busy

I find that it is still easy to write about Eve. However, I've not been playing Eve. I spent most of the last few weeks finishing up my crochet project. It was a birthday present for my best friend. Since someone expressed interest in it, here it is.




It is displayed on a king size bed. I made it as a birthday present for my best friend. We've had twenty years of friendship. I met her online when I was a teenager. Our birthdays are two weeks apart so I celebrated mine by making her something. I'm not one to celebrate birthdays but now and then I try to pull myself to a social norm and do something special for the people I love.

I spent a long time fighting to be myself. I finally discovered a balance in this last handful of years. It is still a struggle but for some reason, in my late thirties, understanding is moving briskly along. With that understanding comes comfort. I don't have to fight about and for things like I used to. I don't have to make anyone accept me. My own acceptance is enough.

It doesn't go far enough yet but I'm trying. The comfort that it brings allows me to stop resisting things. I got people Christmas presents and birthday gifts in these last years. Not because I care bout ether occasion but because I care about the person. I'm comfortable enough with me to ignore my own opinion and do things to make people I care about happy.

This is a major point for me because I've spent the past while teetering on the brink of my CSM memoirs. I wrote them. I wrote everything. The good. The bad. My fears and tears. I poured it all out and now that it is done I am struggling to move to the next step of sharing. I still wrestle with the discomfort of public opinion when it comes to my creations. It is easy to create in silence and away from the eyes of others. It is harder to stand and be judge on that creation.

Nothing is perfect. The blanket I made is not perfect. Yet, it is not a sum of its flaws but a creation of its whole. The flaws work into it. Hand made some would call it. Maybe that is what my writing of the CSM is as well. Like some won't care for my color choices some will not care for my writing. It is easy to say. So, so easy to say.

It is harder to live through it.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

The most current ending

My fansite was turned off at some point. I do not take offense. I was(am?) inactive after all. I don't pepper the darkness with my random thoughts with quite the energy that I once did. I find myself pondering what to do. Do I live a life of an unsubscribed account? One where I can chatter and prattle but do almost nothing? Or, do I maintain a habit that I am not really using at this time?

It leaves a question that will eventually be answered.

While I pondered this utterly deep thought, I saw someone ask about bounties. Ah, bounties. How they have not changed while I had my eyes closed. The question was, "What bounty amount does there need to be to get people to pay attention to it?"

While eleventy billion is amusing to say, it doesn't answer the question. Down in the depths of my skull I pulled up the general answer about bounties and their payouts. I then went looking for a bounty payout and found that they had long ago vanished under the weight of war declarations and structure notifications during my time in Snuffbox.

Oh, PvP. It's been a long while since I met you.

Monday, May 22, 2017

There it is!

After a week of rather more work then I care for and a weekend of crochet, I decided to log in and figure out what was going on.

Had my contracts been delivered? The answer is yes.

Did I find my PLEX? Indeed I did. I maybe came back between old PLEX and Arum/Plex? Or something like that? I could always look at the news and the dev blogs. I can also just make random guesses and have no idea. The second is a lot more fun.

Sunday night isn't the night to find people. I logged in, typed some songs out in chat and wandered back off. I accomplished absolutely nothing.

Bliss.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Consolidation and Loss

I have one active account. I admit, I've found other things to do with all of the money that I used to spend on alt accounts. Intuition gets a monthly Bark Box for instance. I've also taken to getting my nails done every two weeks.

That made me think of consolidation. I have all of the stock from TCS sitting in a station in high sec. I doubt I can fly my freighters on the alt accounts and I don't feel like reactivating them. Moving possessions to sale might be a hobby for a little bit.

I'm not interested in a firesale so much as just selling some of the mass of things from past projects. I don't see myself setting those projects up again anytime soon.

I'm not interested in draining any of my characters of their skill points. Not only am I fond of them, I dislike the skill point injector system just as much as I did before. Now it is a vague distaste instead of a passionate stance.

Of course, as I search my assets I find a billion ISK in assets stuck in low sec. I guess it will be worth whatever inflated hauler price exists now.

I do have stuff scattered in some amazing places. I've also found some cute assets like my stolen Viator.

I also seem to have lost my PLEX. I had four of them laying around and I just discovered the PLEX vault. I was going to stick them in there. It doesn't look as if I screwed up and sold them. I'm rather puzzled as to what I did with them. I get that dropped feeling of 'what did I do?' but then I wonder, does it matter? The things have been hanging around for years. Am I upset or am I worried about the reaction of others if I did make a mistake?

It is an interesting ghost.


Thursday, May 11, 2017

Muscle Memory



I was struggling to take screen shots. I noticed that the exhaust on my cynabal was a bit cooler. I'd struggled earlier in the day to take a screenshot. There are options such as googling the answer or asking someone. That all seemed ridiculous when I can hit my keyboard randomly and see what happens.

I am the proud owner of one screen shot. I decided to venture and pick up some stuff from low sec just because. I was super proud of myself until I forgot what I was doing and wandered away from my computer while I was in high sec. I came back alive but I laughed that my survival instincts seem to not be operational. On the flip side, my lawn got mowed.

There is also my useless bookmarks. As I warped to a pounce I had under a station I pondered the existence of the station above me. I wasn't undocking when the newer, bigger grids came into play. I now remember a thought somewhere in the back of my brain that I'd have to change my bookmarks. As that I was not undocking at the time, I didn't worry about it. Now, I face an interesting change.

I also found the 'add to queue' button under the ship skills. I find it very giggle worthy that it added to the end of my skill list. Some 124 days in the future.

Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Random Thought

Why did this never occur to me before?

It would have been a much more interesting and interactive life to get a percentage of the product instead of ISK at the Customs Office.

How did I miss this? I'm sure I never thought about it. I was to focused on raw numbers, cash flow, and not the potential obnoxious and fascinating struggle of product movement.

This may have an interest for me only due to my struggle with Planetary Interaction. I just don't get it. I've read tutorials. I've burned with jealousy over the sucess of others. I have not managed to have any sucess in something that others swear to me is an incarnation of simply.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Amusing Struggles

The sensible and productive thing to do would be to go look at developer blogs and figure out changes. That has little appeal and feels to serious for my current low level interest in things.

I like the new character sheet windows. I made some assumptions about how things would work. I assumed I could still drag skills around and adjust my windows. I was correct. I assumed that I could drag skills and scroll. That worked too. I should see if I can detach the training queue but that seems like more work then it is worth right now when I have such amazing plans.

Someone, that I will assume is me, decided to fill Sugar's skill queue. I say good job to her. Sugar has learned all sorts of random things that I have  no interest in. However, that has opened up her path to learn some scanning skills. Finally. After five or six years.

For years, scanning skills where the privy of two of my other accounts. I diversified early and seriously. Sugar was serious spaceship pew pew. Today, I cheerfully plugged in Archaeology levels 2-4. I'll slot in the other scanning things and set Sugar off in a life of doing something or another.

Maybe.

It is a thought. One that is followed by another one.

Sugar has never managed my Eve life. I've always had that safely tucked away on alternate accounts. She owns little liquid ISK to avoid scams. She owns only combat ships to avoid theft or mistakes. She has only spaceship skills because le pew le pew pew. And for a moment I found myself regretting that I couldn't just tool Sugar around on a new adventure because she wasn't skilled properly.

The weight of habit is fascinating. The drag of time. I worked so hard to accumulate things in the game and now they swirl around my feet and bog down my thoughts. I keep feeling as if I must do something that involves them because they are there. Then I remember that I don't have to! I can ignore my accumulated wealth until I figure out what I want to do with it. Or not or fall back into the void of space.. or just continue to give people outdated advice.


Sunday, May 7, 2017

I still know my pass words


I was asked about Intuition. He is doing well. He has just passed a year and a half and gained regular bed privileges.

I logged in today.

I was frightened because my shuttle was moving. I realized it was the intro animation where you slide into the hangar. I went phew because I had been frantically trying to abort my undock. It seems as if some habits do not fade quickly.

Others do. My neocom has been reset yet again. I stared at it for a bit until I figured which button was the market. That happened because I wanted to see the price of PLEX. 1.2 billion. My, my, my. Now I can lean back and wax poetic about when PLEX was 400 million.

I giggled because I've crossed that 100 million skill point barrier that once meant so much to me. Along the way, I've never put a set of +5 implants into Sugar's head.

Changes do not mean changes. I have little idea about the state of Eve. I see that the character sheet has been resigned. I was exited about the ship cleaning button. But me? I haven't changed.

In my chat room, all quiet and abandoned someone stepped in and said hi. A random moment when they came looking for me and I actually logged in. It was during that conversation that I called myself eccentric.

In the past, if not in the current, I was very much eccentric for Eve. That was the key that I missed for so long. I hung out without fitting in. The story of my life but a story that I've become more comfortable with in recent years. I was also amused that the bitterness didn't swell up and drown me.

Maybe I'll start logging on and chatting again.

Monday, April 17, 2017

I missed my epiphany

I was looking at my Facebook feed. Facebook amuses me. I post pictures of my plants, my dogs, and randomly harass serious people who are silly enough to let me make comments. I find that my appreciation for the ridiculous has increased greatly in the past few years.

One of my former co-workers gave up Facebook for lent. Never having practiced lent, I sit on the side lines and blink as people discuss what they are giving up. Lent has passed and she posted. However, she posted to say that being away from Facebook made her realize how much time she spent on it. She had a great time spending time with the things that really mattered.

It made me think about Eve. I see reference to Eve. I didn't remove CCP from my social media. I rarely delete browser history so I still get random Eve popups. I even got the e-mails about Fanfest and Eve Vegas (Linq, really?).  On my reddit feed, /r/eve pops up at times and I find myself wondering what game they are talking about for a second before I notice the subreddit.

All of this is to say that I have not yet felt the need to stand on a podium and have an epiphany where I cast Eve down and go on about how much value my life now has without it. How I can focus on REAL things.

That drives me nuts. Your interests are real. When you had them they obviously had value because you where interested. They may not be the thing that defines your life. New hobbies and interests may pop up. Obsessions can be rather consuming. None of this makes the thing that you did enjoy and spend so much time on a valueless, waste of time.

I don't hate Eve. I don't find myself, a year after I walked away the finder of true wisdom for what people should do with their free time.

Maybe, I'm broken.

I hope everyone is enjoying themselves. I took the time to delete the spam google missed. Sion has reminded me that I need to take the next step in sharing the memories I wrote after my two CSM terms. I did do that last year.