Monday, December 28, 2015


I've been thoughtful the last few days. Not because the year is ending. I enjoy my understanding of our planets behavior around its solar anchor. However, I don't find the circle to mean that I have to look back at the days. My reflective point comes instead from the approaching change to my life.

Four months until CSMX is done. CSMXI is spinning up with positive and negative press. I find that I am enjoying being a step away from that. Perhaps, the hardest part of the CSM was the election phase. The second hardest part was wading through the negativity. The election period, however, was the worst. Even if I wanted to do a third year, I'd not be able to put myself through a third election.

Also, in seven weeks, I have the second summit. I have a lot of things to put together and to throw on the table one last time. I have developers to reach out to and topics to bring attention to. For the most part, I'm sorting through my notes from the last two years and condensing them down into the things that have not been answered or addressed or put on the table.

At the same time, I'm gearing up to use that energy in some personal ventures. My new work schedule has been very healing. While Thanksgiving through Christmas was a hot mess at work, the general ebb and flow of my new position has been great. I no longer get up at five in the morning. I no longer struggle to get to bed by 2200. That schedule was making me ill. Three years of it and I struggled, every single day to get to bed soon enough and I woke up every shift hating my awareness. I'm much happier working 1000-2200. I wake up naturally. I am tired normally. Its great.

Also, in five weeks the new puppy comes home. I shared my loss of Nyx. I've talked about my pets on and off on this blog and twitter. However, I've not much shared how vested I am in the creatures that share my life. They are not my children. I've always enjoyed dogs. Or, as someone notices, lean, skinny headed, fast dogs for the most part. I'm looking forward to the obedience and agility classes in my future with the new pup. It is good that my CSM term is winding down for that because he will require a good bit of attention.

It might seem that I'm set to leave Eve behind. That I'll finish my term and walk away. I have in game plans as well and I absolutely expect that I will have a period of down time just to savor the quiet after fanfest. I have plenty of Eve projects in game and out. I'd like to finish my history posts for instance. I have things to write and ships to fly.

Yet, as I reflect upon what I'm going to do I realize that Eve and the things I have gained from Eve are very important to who and hat I am now. I chat with Eve players across all of my messaging systems. I Minecraft with a server full of Eve players. And, I've come to most love co-op gaming where I play with other players. That too is a taste I've gained from Eve. Eve, after all, is my first serious MMO.

It is easy to fall into the negative. So, very easy. It is easy to call up the hurts and the pains and the frustrations and the anger. Those things soak and simmer and burn in the background. The good things, the fun things, the things that change the very way I look at a hobby are softer, sweeter, warmer, and comfortable. That comfort is something that I try not to become complacent over. That is the road to bitterness and its not one that I plan to walk.


  1. They say the way to let go of anger and prevent yourself from becoming bitter is forgiveness. I have however found that forgiveness is a sort of surrender which drains you of passion for the game. How do you manage to not become bitter but maintain your passion to do things in the game that require a lot of work and energy?

    1. I don't think that I let it go. I'm not that type of person. I'm also not big into forgiveness. Instead, I try to understand what it is that I am angry about. What is it that hurt me. That understanding helps me move on and no its not often easy.

      Being rejected by a group for whatever reason and being scorned and shunned hurts. But, somewhere down there I wonder what is the reason I want their attention? When I know their true motivations do I really want them to be a close part of who and what I am?

      And why am I passionate about doing things? The CSM has most often made me ask myself this question. It is not for approval or accolades. It is not for acknowledgement. It is to get the goal that I had done or try as hard as I could to do it.

      There is mud in the water. It makes it hard to swim, harder to see, and disgusting to drink. Filtering it out is sometimes easy and sometimes terribly hard. But underweight almost everything there tends to be actual, tangible reasons. Those are the things that I like to find.

      It isn't easy. I don't fit in well. I tend to have odd ideas. I ask questions I'm told I should not. But in these ways I find my reasons and my peace.

    2. Thank you for an honest reply. I wish I could have seen you and other CSMs in action. You should always ask questions, especially the ones they say you shouldn't :)