I've had a crazy week. Last Friday my hot water heater died. It made for a long, cold weekend until it was fixed. At the same time, one of my dogs started acting ill. I got her into the vet on Thursday and spent a lot of money running a lot of tests.
I also posted a picture of her at the end of testing day on twitter. Her entire chest and belly are shaved from ultrasounds so she got her jacket to keep warm and a place on the heated blanket on my mother's bed.
I discussed Nyx's name a few months ago. I post pictures of her pretty regularly.
There is a lot about me I've never shared with Eve. Nothing weird or nefarious. My closet is skeleton free. However, my passion for dogs is not something I've often discussed. I've spent most of my adult life working with dogs. They are my hobby. From conformation shows to working dogs, its always been one of my major passions.
Dogs are dogs. It makes working with them easy to remember. No matter how good they are. No matter how good they have been. You always have to remember that they are dogs. They are not people and while I may call my dogs my babies and refer to us as Mommy and Daddy, I don't think my dogs are human. They don't replace children. They are dogs and I appreciate them for being dogs.
The side effect of dogs being dogs is that they are dogs and not people. And that's what brings me to write today.
Nyx is dying.
I am looking at the fact that I will probably be putting her down next week unless heaven opens up and vomits out a miracle. She is only eight and that makes a hard thing harder. In my mind, I had placed Sage my eleven year old Afghan Hound as the next pet I would have to deal with losing. She's tied with Qwinn my cat that turns 15 in March. In my own way I had started to process and accept their age and what that brings with it.
But, not for Nyx. No. Nyx is eight years old and vibrantly full of life. Or, she was until two days ago. When I got her into the vet and then the specialists for changes in eating and drinking and discovered she is in liver failure after eight years of perfect health.
I don't write this for pity. That may sound bitter but please know that it is not. When you take a pet into your home you also take the end of that pets life into yours. I have always asked myself if it will be worth it to deal with the pain when I have lose them. The answer to that is yes. That does not stop it from being is a terrible thing. There is a lot of guilt involved each time. I always wonder if maybe I was a better owner bad things wouldn't happen. I know better. I worked for years as a vet tech soothing people who where in my place. But its easier to hold someone lose through their pain then experience it myself and know that someone that has existed in my life for almost a decade will be gone. I wonder if I had more money would I be able to throw it at endless diagnostic work in the slim chance that something could be done. It is a lot to think about and none of it is fun.
I do write this to work through my own thoughts some. It may not be fair to share such personal anguish with others. Many of us have lost a pet or will lose a pet. It is not the type of memory that one wants to have.
This is probably not going to be a very good few days for me. I'm not going to try to wrap my head around the patch notes and weekly updates. I don't think I have the emotional energy to listen to the problems of others at the moment. I have some hard decisions to make and I keep hoping that maybe it will all go away and work out fine. Maybe. The chances of that are unfortunately low and I am struggling with accepting that right now.
I won't be thinking much about Eve until this is resolved. I felt it was only polite to let people know why I was suddenly inactive. Right now though, I can't think of anything else but the next few days. The world does not stop because we have personal loses. You still get up. Go to work. Pet the dogs. Pick up the cats. I'll probably mindlessly do things and pet the dog while we see what options are available and how she handles each day.
Reach the patch notes. A few changes are coming in.
And... I'll talk to you all in a few days we will see what happens.