Monday, March 28, 2016

Hi there

I pondered going a bit longer without writing here. I've been thinking for the last few weeks. I've hopped on, checked mail, talked to people, but mostly, Eve's puttering along towards Fanfest.

In the background, I've been fleshing out my time on the CSM. My then and my now are so far apart from each other it is rather staggering. I have wistful thoughts about my pre-CSM life. Before I knew to much and flew to close to the sun.

I said before that I stopped writing out of anger. I felt that if I kept a positive face to the public while I was raging inside, I was being false. I tried for a more neutral and honest tone but without wild, emotional aspects. I still, in the end felt fake. I directed that energy to solving the problem and I feel that did happen.

However, along the way more problems cropped up. I realized then, around the end of February that I was to deeply disappointed in some decisions that were made to present any type of face.

One thing I have struggled with has been how much to share. Do I share the anger that I often feel? It isn't productive. Rages and rants and tantrums don't get work done.

Would people even care? A lot of the election process for CSM10 left me shaken when it came to how much people wanted to know about what was going on and what motivated me. Did people want to know that I could barely control my rage when interacting with someone or did they just want results? Did they want to know the 'drama' that was happening or would they just laugh at me again and write about how they think the CSM is ridiculous and a high school council.

I also realized that I was sometimes trapped by all that ridicule and scorn. It got harder and harder to read it and stay productive. I kept slogging along but it was always there. In many ways, I was ashamed that I was so weak to be bothered by it. How often have I been told to ignore people, not to listen, or tell other's that they were stupid and their opinions did not count? Instead, I was dragged down by those opinions until I couldn't move anymore.

Basically, I realized I was not confident to share why I was upset about things anymore. I was so very tired of being laughed at and mocked for caring and having emotions. I understand that it is a popular pastime on the internet but I still don't understand it. I often wonder what is so flawed about me that causes me to care?

I've been rather stuck on these questions. Around and around I've gone for weeks now. Am I strange? Is this normal? Is this what happens in these types of positions? As it is ending I very much want to understand my CSM term and the tattered pieces that are left over from it.

One of the interesting things that happened during the campaign season for CSM11 was the handful of candidates that I talked to all, except for one that I never synced up with for a coms chat, told me that the stuff I brought forward wasn't going to be a problem. I kept getting my concerns brushed off and I really wondered what I saw in this that other's didn't.

Maybe I've made more of it then I should have. Maybe I should have talked more. Ranted more. Called people out to the floor. Gotten into fights with them. Maybe I should have shared more, pushed the bonds of my relationship with CCP more. Maybe I wouldn't feel like this now if I hadn't tried to stay in balance so long.

Things changed a lot along the way. I don't know like I used to. I can't take back the things that changed everything.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Projects and Stuff

What have I been doing over here? I have lost the will to blog daily. But there are other things to do. In the week that I have been home things have been busy. It was my long week at work so I have had little time off as well as having to shove a training class in there. That time has been consumed by obnoxious little life problems, the start of my garden season, and the puppy.

However, I've also been plodding along doing some CSM stuff.

When I asked people about their ideal road map during the summit, I received a steady flow of responses. That made me warm and fuzzy. Then they made a blog banter (#73 Roadmap to...) and I squinted and squirmed a bit to get that much focus in the banter. However, my information loving soul did chortle a bit in pleasure. Ask and you shall receive and all that nonsense.

At no time do I think that the responses I receive are the sum total of everything in the game. In fact, the other day I was discussing with Dirk how little we know of the silent majority. How we struggle to understand what brings them to the game and that everything we do do has to be filtered through trying not to harm them. Still, my strength has always been from this blog and even if it falls into neglect as I struggle with choices and events of the last few months, I still reach out from here.

Feeling the tick of father time, I've been working on my homework projects. With all the blog banters in and a few

This is my summary of the road map question.

The Public Copy of my Player Road map Summary to the Producers. The reason it is a public copy is because someone sent me a google document with their roadmap and I have not cleared it with them if they wished that shared. So, I cut it out of the copy here.

There isn't anything secret. I asked if I could address the players with the question. It only seems fair to share what I've done with it. Documents are not fun or sexy but they are useful. A point raised on my blog was that the forums hold all of these ideas and more. I agree. I could say "just go check the forums." However, the benefit of a summary is the ease and speed of consumption. I could just fold my arms and glare. That wouldn't be productive and I've promised to try to be be productive.

In a more perfect world I would also take some weeks to sort the forums. Consider me lazy in deciding to work with the material here.

Originally I had thought to write it out as a bunch of mini-road maps. As I kept flipping through the responses I realized that would not work. The attempt to summarize it was made to condense the information into the obvious lines of repetition desires. I also stepped out of the idea of a road map and looked at how people responded to the question.

Over the last two years, I have spent an enormous amount of time not having my questions answered. Instead of being irritated, I learned to look at what people were saying. Or, what they were saying as I understood it. Often frustrating it is quite interesting. Under the irritation or bitterness or sometimes viciousness, what is being said? It is a bit of a puzzle really. An exhausting puzzle but an interesting one.

My interpretation isn't perfect. It is mine. Welcome toa  bit of how my mind works. Maybe I should have done more of this type of thing over the past two years. I dunno.