On April 7th, 2013 I wrote this blog post and never published it:
Kittens was collecting corpses on a gate the other day and bantering with LR. LR pops corpses because they show up in his overview. Kittens collects corpses and feels that LR should scoop the corpses and deliver them to him instead of destroying them. It was a random discussion but it led to LR telling kittens that his job wasn't to collect corpses but to put kill on the killboard. That was his primary focus as a member of THC2.
I interjected at that point. Often times, with conversations like that, I try not to say anything. Often, I fail. But if the primary purpose in THC2 is to put kills on the killboard I completely, and totally fail at that. LR was kind enough to give me an exception clause for the other things that I do and Diz stepped up to say that as long as people are having fun things are successful.
However, I clung to that exception clause because I do not like it. I do not have a particular desire to be a special snowflake that people make special rules to accommodate. Yet, THC2 has never been truely defined as I've understood it. It is a PvP corporation that lives in low sec with members that run around and do things. There is no greater focus but enjoying the game with people and good company.
Therefore, whenever someone tells me that it is defined in one way or another, I become uncomfortable. The closest I have ever come to leaving was when I was told that when I applied I agreed to a list of things that had never been discussed. It was unimportant things and the entire argument started over my not wanting to go to the test server to PvP practice against corporation mates. I was never asked my reason for not wanting to enter into that situation and I was pissed off enough that I never offered it up.
The simple reason I do not do 1v1s or spar with people that I know is because of the competitive aspect of it. It becomes about winning, and owning each other, and bragging. Even when it is one hundred percent good natured socialization , my distaste for competitive behavior makes it an unappealing situation for me. With Eve being my personal recreation I refuse to do something,just because I am told to do it. That causes me that much unpleasantness.
Thus, the entire, putting kills on the killboard thing left me with an unpleasant feeling. I'm a niche player. For whatever reason, I find random off the path things interesting. I like to salvage. I like building the random things I find exploring. I'm enjoying running a low sec market. I do a lot of things but I cannot say that any of the things I do puts kills on the killboard as a primary occupation.
I'm not a good PvPer. I doubt I ever will be. Any situation where my stats will be judged is a situation where I will fall short.I stopped writing this post because it turned into one of my endless thoughts on my lack of PvP ability. I'd wander in circles about this, struggling with the same problems over and over until I was tired of myself. I still suffer from these feelings. It has led me to accept that I need to find where I fit in Eve as a future project.
Since then THC2 has gone silent. LR has quit the game. Diz has moved on to 7-2. I still chat with Ender and he plays on my Minecraft server. I picked this post because it was the last time I talked about Kittens. Shortly after, he unsubbed and I've missed him. Kittens was in my very first corp so I have known him since my second week of the game.
Yesterday, he logged back in and is giving Eve a bit of a try again. I don't have a home to offer him. However, his good nature and fun personality has always done well by him. I am overjoyed to see him again. There is a bubbling feeling of joy to see someone that I so enjoyed again.