Wednesday, November 18, 2015

A long day and a million trit short

Gasping and panting I dragged myself across the line of this capital build, finally. I am only about two months behind where I planned to be with it. Holy hell. My ability to focus on things in game and be productive has taken an incredible, embarrassing, and somewhat horrific turn.

In many ways I am still finding out how much doing something for someone else motivated me. Right now, I'm tired. The stress of hauling was to much so I paid to have a lot of stuff moved. That is burning through ISK that has no return because I have not made ISK in about six months.

The project I am working on does not motivate me. Jump, move, dump, build, jump warp, dock, move, move, move, find out I didn't bring enough stuff again, get, move, dock, jump, warp... etc. I've been doing the same things for years and I enjoyed it. But alone, it is not fun. It is just something to be done.

That left me staring at a less than one million ISK trit shortage with a resigned horror that made me want to just log out and walk away.

Instead, I laid on my virtual floor and moaned as I went to source a million Trit from what felt like the abandoned, burn, salted planes of Death Valley and debated aloneness while not being alone. The floor is a good place for whining.

It is my good fortune that I have a populated chatroom to hang out in every day. I appreciate the residents. They keep me company, entertained, and sometimes busy. Now and then they irritate me. Sometimes we fight. An occasional rage quit here and there. It is the normal, interactive stuff that comes from people being people.

They keep me connected in a world that can easily become a quiet, silent, lonesome journey. I can see how easy it would be to roll off of Eve's grid. Sometimes I crave it. The busy, frantic pace of the last year and a half has worn me down with its frantic energy and non-ending floor of information. It is consumptive but also destructive and I find myself dearly missing that time when I had others in my corporation chat that mad me smile to log in.

I did not expect my loneliness. I have spent so much time in the game doing things on my own. But on my own was not the same as alone. I always had the warm presence of a corporation at my back. I enjoy the co-op work tremendously. While I was sold on Eve only a few days into my trial, it is playing Eve with others that led me down this particular rabbit hole.

Other people motivate me in Eve. They make me excited. They make me mad. I've created entire projects that spanned years just to prove someone wrong who did not even know they had angered me and probably don't know my name. But, that never bugged me. I did it to prove them wrong not rub it in their face.

Yet, I've also developed a bit of a fear in finding a corporation. Does anyone actually want me? Am I anything else other than the CSM name? Am I even a good corporation mate? I'm stubborn and particular and tend to dig in my heels when someone else hands me rules. I've failed my last two corporation attempts. Maybe I'm a bad seed.

Being mostly along proves to be an interesting place to reflect. Mostly, I say. Not totally. I have to many awesome people to keep me company every day to whine that much.

I also got that trit purchased and the final build is going in.

Finally.

I'm just gonna lay here.


11 comments:

  1. Why don't you MAKE a corporation?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Leading people is differnt than working with people.
      She might ot like it?

      Delete
    2. Given she said she's already been very busy, I doubt starting a corp would appeal, since running a corp is a lot of work.

      Delete
    3. Corporations require a lot of attention and time. I also don't know if I have what it takes to occupy and engage people day to day. It is not to me something one casually takes up. You are asking for the time, trust, and belief of others.

      Delete
  2. You ARE something else than a csm name. I enjoyed your encyclopedia posts, werd as they were; seen you work at building up your tcs imperium for fair prices. you always have been a positive source within eve, even when you werent that space famous (I even ran into vov a couple of times in molden heath lowsec, knowing to avoid being near him from your posts :P)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I sent you a message a year or two ago about my appreciation for your blog. Thanks for keeping the fire burning all this time!
    If you want a group of people to join that won't shackle you with rules and could use your contributions you should check us out at Brave Newbies.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't think finding someone to have you in their corp aside from being a CSM will be tough, you were able to find them before you were. I agree totally there is a huge difference to being on your own, and working on your own. I think the toughest thing you will have to deal with will not be will a corp want you, it will be if you want them. - fRIED

    ReplyDelete
  5. Have you considered getting involved with the CAS community? I always find them rather unique in running a community from a newbie npc corp.

    http://www.cascorporation.com/cas_resources.html Yes they even have a corp website for a npc corp. Just throwing it out there in the event that you wanted to be involved in something without the commitments of joining a player corporation while you gather your thoughts.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The solitude found in a crowd of strangers can inspire worthy introspection and some are even at their best when on their own. However, the amplified sense of loneliness that environment may create is poisonous to those who are heavily motivated by the interactions of a close community. You repeatedly question, seem to agonize over, whether others will want you to join them, if you can be valuable and, if you are more than your temporary title. Yet, the answers to those questions can be found in the community you have created and in your very election to the CSM. Spoonful of Sugar is populated and Lowsec Lifestyle is read because people want to be a part of your EVE and for you to be a part of theirs. The fact that you were even elected to you first term on the CSM as an independent candidate and the huge turnout you drew for yourself speak volumes to other player’s opinion of you outside of the CSM. As for your value to a corporation, honestly, any group that cannot see value in an experienced manufacturer, marketer and, supply chain manager who also likes undocking to shoot things is a group of fools.
    The stress and exhaustion building up in you over the past year has been plain to read in the tone and timbre of your writing. I hope you will try to overcome your fears of joining a new group. Put yourself out there again. Find a place where you are valued, can decompress and regain some of your joy for this universe we are part of, or not, it is just a game after all and should be fun. However you choose to move forward, know that there are many here who would be sad to watch you slowly drift out of New Eden never to be heard from again.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I can understand the reluctance to be in a corp, Sug. I haven't been in one in a couple of years (other than loose public ones, such as Blue Republic). A corp is like a family, or the co-workers you see every day. Currently I just don't have the time or energy to commit to and support another group of family members/co-workers.

    ReplyDelete