Gasping and panting I dragged myself across the line of this capital build, finally. I am only about two months behind where I planned to be with it. Holy hell. My ability to focus on things in game and be productive has taken an incredible, embarrassing, and somewhat horrific turn.
In many ways I am still finding out how much doing something for someone else motivated me. Right now, I'm tired. The stress of hauling was to much so I paid to have a lot of stuff moved. That is burning through ISK that has no return because I have not made ISK in about six months.
The project I am working on does not motivate me. Jump, move, dump, build, jump warp, dock, move, move, move, find out I didn't bring enough stuff again, get, move, dock, jump, warp... etc. I've been doing the same things for years and I enjoyed it. But alone, it is not fun. It is just something to be done.
That left me staring at a less than one million ISK trit shortage with a resigned horror that made me want to just log out and walk away.
Instead, I laid on my virtual floor and moaned as I went to source a million Trit from what felt like the abandoned, burn, salted planes of Death Valley and debated aloneness while not being alone. The floor is a good place for whining.
It is my good fortune that I have a populated chatroom to hang out in every day. I appreciate the residents. They keep me company, entertained, and sometimes busy. Now and then they irritate me. Sometimes we fight. An occasional rage quit here and there. It is the normal, interactive stuff that comes from people being people.
They keep me connected in a world that can easily become a quiet, silent, lonesome journey. I can see how easy it would be to roll off of Eve's grid. Sometimes I crave it. The busy, frantic pace of the last year and a half has worn me down with its frantic energy and non-ending floor of information. It is consumptive but also destructive and I find myself dearly missing that time when I had others in my corporation chat that mad me smile to log in.
I did not expect my loneliness. I have spent so much time in the game doing things on my own. But on my own was not the same as alone. I always had the warm presence of a corporation at my back. I enjoy the co-op work tremendously. While I was sold on Eve only a few days into my trial, it is playing Eve with others that led me down this particular rabbit hole.
Other people motivate me in Eve. They make me excited. They make me mad. I've created entire projects that spanned years just to prove someone wrong who did not even know they had angered me and probably don't know my name. But, that never bugged me. I did it to prove them wrong not rub it in their face.
Yet, I've also developed a bit of a fear in finding a corporation. Does anyone actually want me? Am I anything else other than the CSM name? Am I even a good corporation mate? I'm stubborn and particular and tend to dig in my heels when someone else hands me rules. I've failed my last two corporation attempts. Maybe I'm a bad seed.
Being mostly along proves to be an interesting place to reflect. Mostly, I say. Not totally. I have to many awesome people to keep me company every day to whine that much.
I also got that trit purchased and the final build is going in.
I'm just gonna lay here.