It has always been a habit on this blog for the author to write about whatever is on the authors mind. That would be me and my mind with this being my blog. I write about the good and I write about the bad. I sometimes regret that I do this. Not for actual personal regret, but because it always has unexpected side effects. Being someone who spends their time examining their personal motivation, I'm often left confused that other people do not.
Basically, I mean what I say and it confuses me when and that other people do not. I'm a terrible lair. Not because I cannot lie but because I am interested in the truth and lies get in the way. Often times, when things are said to me, I try to do the water off a ducks back. Know that I am actually terrible at doing this. "Why did they say that? What caused them to mean that? Where? When? How? Can it be fixed? That was not the intent, how can greater clarity happen?" That's me and it seems that's wrong. It causes me a lot of confusion and irritating people trying to understand why something was said.
However, let me make it clear that as much angst and concern as Eve may cause me, my life isn't doing poorly. My husband said he likes me still. I just asked him. We hit thirteen years together in January and he said that I have to keep him. My jobs fine. I recently got a lateral transfer that's something of a promotion. More free time, less supervisors, and a bit more pay. In February, I'll have been with my employer for ten years. I, as an individual, am fine. I've discovered that admitting to emotional angst or confusion about my game interactions and efforts has caused some confusion. Hopefully, that helps.
Let's have some Friday night justification! I pondered writing. I mean, writing stuff before seems to make me look like a train wreck. But, a good train wreck deserves to be watched so I figured why not. It seems that my habit of honest discussion of emotions, thoughts, and reasons sometimes leaves people to believe something is wrong with me. Something may be wrong with me. I've struggle to understand why people just say things that are not true. I'm confused by meanness for the sake of meanness for no reason other then to put another person down. These things confuse me endlessly and the main place in my life that I experience this is in Eve.
So, I talk about it. Which may be wrong. It may be that I'm supposed to have a super ego and such an incredible opinion of myself that I chuckle at mortals attempting to knock me from my pedestal of confidence. But, I've been doing things like blogging and playing Eve the wrong way for four years now. I might as well keep it up.
At the end of the day, Eve is a game. However, that game is populated by people. The people are what fascinate me. I like Eve well enough but the game mechanics, the spaceships, the clicking and forgetting Isogen to do my capital building are not what motivated me to run for the CSM. What motivated me where the people. The very real people that populate the game. They improve my life. I've discovered so many amazing people playing Eve online that I am thankful that I picked up this game on December 1st, 2011.
I'd not have met so many people. I'd not be getting council on my writing from Wex. I'd not be planning a day trip to Mynxee's because she lives an hour away and I want to learn to paint better. I'd not harass Corbexx on Skype in the evenings. I probably never would have traveled to Iceland and learned about the most amazing soup place or learned Vegas well enough for it to feel familiar. My list goes on and on. It's about the people every time.
So! The last few days have not made me smarter. I'll keep stumbling forward with honesty that makes people think I'm weak and breaking down. I want people to know that I haven't found the CSM to an easy burden. I learned that means being laughed at. Being a 'try hard' is a term I learned from Eve and I'm pretty sure I qualify with it due to my passion for the potential of the CSM. It isn't about people knowing that I work hard. It is so that everyone who runs for the CSM knows what they may face. It is so that everyone who has wondered about their CSMs knows what they may have been through. Its because I believe in information and sharing, even in video games on the internet about pixels that are shaped to convince my brain that it is a spaceship.
Due to my defects in judgement, my feelings are going to get hurt along the way. People are tough to work with. I'm going to be happy and sad. Sometimes I'll be mad. It is what happens when people interact with other passionate people. Because, when I can step back and sift through the insults and anger, I find other passionate people reacting and acting upon that passion.
I don't know of a world where we exist in a state that everyone around us does not matter. Where other people are just waste and refuse to be ignored. I find people fascinating. I find them worthwhile. I can lose hope, trust, respect, and love but I don't start out with it lost.
I can only apologize for how deeply I have thrown myself into the CSM. I don't really know how to be anyway else with things I undertake. That's just how the person behind Sugar Kyle is. Flawed. Passionate. Honest. And a bit dumb.
And now, having vented, I'm going to go back to the structure update.