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This being a person thing. I seem to have it. Sorry about that.

It has always been a habit on this blog for the author to write about whatever is on the authors mind. That would be me and my mind with this being my blog. I write about the good and I write about the bad. I sometimes regret that I do this. Not for actual personal regret, but because it always has unexpected side effects. Being someone who spends their time examining their personal motivation, I'm often left confused that other people do not.

Basically, I mean what I say and it confuses me when and that other people do not. I'm a terrible lair. Not because I cannot lie but because I am interested in the truth and lies get in the way. Often times, when things are said to me, I try to do the water off a ducks back. Know that I am actually terrible at doing this. "Why did they say that? What caused them to mean that? Where? When? How? Can it be fixed? That was not the intent, how can greater clarity happen?" That's me and it seems that's wrong. It causes me a lot of confusion and irritating people trying to understand why something was said.

However, let me make it clear that as much angst and concern as Eve may cause me, my life isn't doing poorly. My husband said he likes me still. I just asked him. We hit thirteen years together in January and he said that I have to keep him. My jobs fine. I recently got a lateral transfer that's something of a promotion. More free time, less supervisors, and a bit more pay. In February, I'll have been with my employer for ten years. I, as an individual, am fine. I've discovered that admitting to emotional angst or confusion about my game interactions and efforts has caused some confusion. Hopefully, that helps.

Let's have some Friday night justification! I pondered writing. I mean, writing stuff before seems to make me look like a train wreck. But, a good train wreck deserves to be watched so I figured why not. It seems that my habit of honest discussion of emotions, thoughts, and reasons sometimes leaves people to believe something is wrong with me. Something may be wrong with me. I've struggle to understand why people just say things that are not true. I'm confused by meanness for the sake of meanness for no reason other then to put another person down. These things confuse me endlessly and the main place in my life that I experience this is in Eve.

So, I talk about it. Which may be wrong. It may be that I'm supposed to have a super ego and such an incredible opinion of myself that I chuckle at mortals attempting to knock me from my pedestal of confidence. But, I've been doing things like blogging and playing Eve the wrong way for four years now. I might as well keep it up.

At the end of the day, Eve is a game. However, that game is populated by people. The people are what fascinate me. I like Eve well enough but the game mechanics, the spaceships, the clicking and forgetting Isogen to do my capital building are not what motivated me to run for the CSM. What motivated me where the people. The very real people that populate the game. They improve my life. I've discovered so many amazing people playing Eve online that I am thankful that I picked up this game on December 1st, 2011.

I'd not have met so many people. I'd not be getting council on my writing from Wex. I'd not be planning a day trip to Mynxee's because she lives an hour away and I want to learn to paint better. I'd not harass Corbexx on Skype in the evenings. I probably never would have traveled to Iceland and learned about the most amazing soup place or learned Vegas well enough for it to feel familiar. My list goes on and on. It's about the people every time.

So! The last few days have not made me smarter. I'll keep stumbling forward with honesty that makes people think I'm weak and breaking down. I want people to know that I haven't found the CSM to an easy burden. I learned that means being laughed at. Being a 'try hard' is a term I learned from Eve and I'm pretty sure I qualify with it due to my passion for the potential of the CSM. It isn't about people knowing that I work hard. It is so that everyone who runs for the CSM knows what they may face. It is so that everyone who has wondered about their CSMs knows what they may have been through. Its because I believe in information and sharing, even in video games on the internet about pixels that are shaped to convince my brain that it is a spaceship.

Due to my defects in judgement, my feelings are going to get hurt along the way. People are tough to work with. I'm going to be happy and sad. Sometimes I'll be mad. It is what happens when people interact with other passionate people. Because, when I can step back and sift through the insults and anger, I find other passionate people reacting and acting upon that passion.

I don't know of a world where we exist in a state that everyone around us does not matter. Where other people are just waste and refuse to be ignored. I find people fascinating. I find them worthwhile. I can lose hope, trust, respect, and love but I don't start out with it lost.

I can only apologize for how deeply I have thrown myself into the CSM. I don't really know how to be anyway else with things I undertake. That's just how the person behind Sugar Kyle is. Flawed. Passionate. Honest. And a bit dumb.

And now, having vented, I'm going to go back to the structure update.

Comments

  1. Keep being you, Sugar. Just like everything else, "water off a duck's back" takes practice.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You have spent more than a little time this week staring deep into your naval dear lady... Very interesting reading, thank you for sharing.

    PS I like you just the way you are... I really do. =]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been a tough week, a harsh few days, and a rough two months.

      Maybe I should pretend that everything is great and smooth as glass.

      Delete
    2. Nah, writing is cathartic. Get all the bad mojo out when you have the need.

      Delete
  3. I appreciate your effort and honesty – both with your blog and your position on the CSM. Keep doing them both your way. It is refreshing. I’m glad real life is treating you well.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just keep being you Sugar. You're doing just fine.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's not exactly a secret Fozzie doesn't have an awful lot of faith in the CSM, that isn't on you guys, it's been possible to detect his discomfort with it from meeting minutes for a couple of CSMs now.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're an extremely candid upfront person I admire that tremendously! You inspire faith and we're very lucky.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Its your candor that makes you, well you if you know what I mean. Passionate, involved, but always real in your interactions - just one of the reasons I adore having you around :)

    So keep at it, chin up and all that, and embrace the 'water off a duck's back' approach.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your comment about your husband still liking you got me thinking so I asked my wife: "sweetheart, we've been married 32 years do you still like me?" she looked at me and said "what, like right now, do I like you right now?" I thought that was an odd way of answering the question so I then asked "sweetheart do you still want to keep me?" and she asks "do I have a choice?" Dang, I guess I really pissed her off when I responded to her demand to take out the garbage and I said "you take it out, you cooked it." :-(

    ReplyDelete
  9. "Flawed?" - yes, we all are.

    "Passionate?" - No doubt.

    "Honest?" - Yep, straightforward too.

    "And a bit dumb?" - No Sugar, no. You're smart as hell. In Eve you wear your heart on your sleeve and, while we could discuss the toll that takes, it's not exactly the kind of thing honest, passionate, flawed people can easily up and change. We are what we are.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just wanted to help.

    Maybe that's not what you've come to expect from me. Maybe I am terrible at communication.

    All in all, you just know what I write here.

    Just know that I write here, about a game I no longer play but still keeps me interested.

    As if EVE was what moves my day. As if my life still revolved around EVE.

    I wish I could explain, but won't try after yesterday's horrible flop. I've been called hypocrite and God knows what do you think of me.

    I feel like some monster. Yet I just wanted to help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The disconnect Onions, is your anger or what we have come to see as your anger because we only see you here.

      I am reminded of a situation I often deal with IRL. I have 3 dogs and 5 cats. People say, "Your house must be crazy!" It's not. They don't know that I've spent most of my life training and working dogs. That I have no carpet in my home and pick pet friendly/cleaning friendly furniture. I also have cleaners in once a week because we both work full time and don't want to spend all our free time chasing hair.

      When people assume my house is a mess, it offends me. But, most are not being offensive. They are thinking of houses they know, maybe their own inability to keep their home with less potential clutter clean, or they are being mean. I don't know but the statement always makes me grit my teeth.

      That's what happened here. I do expose myself and my thoughts and feelings. They interest me and I hand myself to others sometimes hoping they will hand themselves back. When you said "take care of yourself" I did get offended. I also wondered if somehow I looked like a wreck that had lost job and home over the CSM.

      My life doesn't revolve around Eve but it is a major part of my every day. As long as I can log off to go make dinner and hang out with my husband, go to work and take a shower., I feel that I have an okay life/Eve balance.

      Delete
    2. Well now you just sound petulant Onions. While I don’t doubt your sincerity when you say you just wanted to help I remain fully aware that with only occasional exceptions you’ve been dumping your bitter bile in the comments section of this blog for at least a year and a half (the entire time I’ve been around). So maybe you’re turning over a new leaf. Maybe you’re abandoning your unabashed demoralization campaign. Maybe you’ve decided to be a positive force among those around you and, if so, I look forward to interacting with the new and improved Onions but I must say that going petulant right off the bat doesn’t bode well. You’ve spent a great deal of time digging that bitter hole you stand in. Climbing out won’t happen overnight.

      Delete
    3. I feel sorry if that "take care of yourself" was offending, I didn't knew that wishing good to someone could be interpretated as "sort your life!"... :/

      It was intended as a translation of what we mean in Spain when we say "Cuídate". Apparently the concept is a bit more difficult than I thought for both sides of the language barrier:

      http://forum.wordreference.com/threads/cuidate.418810/

      >>Cuidate is a difficult word for me. When I first heard it and translated it -- Take care of yourself/take good care of yourself-- I thought the person was giving me the brush off.--jajaja

      Sometimes it still jolts me and I have to remember that it's a nice thing.

      If you say that in English--Take good care of yourself --- the person can be saying goodbye to you---- forever-- as in get out of my life-- leave me alone-- nice knowing you.>>


      Seriously, it wasn't meant to say "your life is a disaster because of EVE, sort it" but as "take care" (but not about something or other person, just... you) or better, as "I hope (or wish?) you'll be OK".

      Delete
    4. Onions,

      You’re (intentionally?) missing the major point. If I may combine Sugar and my replies (do forgive me Sugar), “The disconnect Onions, is your [year and a half of unrelenting, unforgiving, callus] anger.” In light of that history, suddenly wishing someone well is so out of character it’s difficult to take at face value.

      The difficulty you face doesn’t circle around accurately translating “Cuídate”, the difficulty you face circles around credibility. You’re English is superb, it’s your attitude that befuddles you.

      Delete
    5. I'm gonna stick my neck out, and point out that Onions has never been angry with Sugar, (or at least that's what I recall). I recall Onions being angry with CCP, with their steering of the game. I also remember him(?) talking a lot about what he'd like to see, what he'd want.

      Using a terrible phrase, Onions doesn't hate Sugar, Onions hates the game.

      So, from this view, his comment is sincere and sympathetic.

      Of course, I read Sugar's post as commenting on CCP's comment, so what do I know?

      Also, nice entry in P&P Dire and Sugar, they're very good.

      Delete
    6. @ Rob,

      Thanks for the P&P thumbs up :)

      I am, perhaps, being a bit harsh with Onions and I do think you're correct, he doesn't hate Sugar. In fact he probably greatly appreciates her since she keeps him connected to a game he feels so conflicted about.

      What annoys me is his lack of concern about what his bitter flailing does to those around him over the long run. He either intends to demoralize us or he doesn’t care if he demoralizes us. Either way it’s a pretty mean spirited thing to keep doing to a group of people who are over the top passionate about Eve.

      Delete
    7. Rob Kaichin: "I'm gonna stick my neck out, and point out that Onions has never been angry with Sugar, (or at least that's what I recall)."

      Of course I'm not angry with Sugar. I can't express how grateful I feel for her efforts, specially since she opened the highsec can of worms.

      I may not be in the best terms with CCP and EVE, but I don't hold any grudges on Sugar. That would be mean.

      Probably i thought this was a bit more evident.

      EVE is like an ex. ;)

      The part I loved still is there, but also is what caused the split. Since EVE it's just a game, it can change -unlike people-, and maybe in a direction good for my interests... or maybe don't.

      Delete
    8. Oh Onions,

      People can change and often do. It’s not easy. It takes an agonizing amount of work and proceeds far too slowly, but still, people change. I’ve seen pig headedly obsessive 17 year olds (the nephew) turn that confounding weakness into awe inspiring drive when, around age 27 after sincere search, he finally landed at his true vocation. I’ve seen irresponsible laze abouts turn into astoundingly responsible citizens (another nephew) and all it took was having a child to reorient his entire life. I’ve seen kid loathing, youth worshiping women (sister-in-law) turn into deliriously joyful grandmothers. I’ve got more. Don’t make me open the file cabinet. I’ll do it. I really will.

      Maybe it’s just my corn fed ‘murican speaking, but people get to, can and often do change in positive ways. Not everybody, not all equally successfully, and there's no guarantee people will change for the better, but enough do to keep the option live.

      Delete
  11. This type of post is courageous (even if you don't see that because it's your natural tendency to be you), heartwarming, and even a little bit amusing in a sweet way. Every post you make like this, I like you more. Keep on writing from the heart, lady.

    I am looking forward to your visit to the studio/farm. I just hope you're not too appalled at the terrible behavior of my overexcitable bratdogs.

    ReplyDelete

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