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Jumping out of the past

There is some amusement to being out of touch. Many features are mysterious and new. Unfortunately, old habits still chase me around and nip at my heels.

I forgot that I jumped out of my slave implants. I, at some point had a moment of practical sense and sent Sugar to her training clone. It is a +4. I never did get a +5. That was always to fancy for my lifestyle.  However, I forgot that I was practical and I logged in to jump out of them. I was actually thinking of jumping into an empty clone but I found I was sitting in a training one.

Unexpected.

Then, I looked for my salve to figure where I had left them. I never did much clone jumping. I only had the slaves for the rules of SnuffBox's fleet doctrine.  I had tended to stick to training clones or avoid implants all together. It was part of my defense mechanism about being someone elses killboard feast.

And that is when I saw the 'amulet' implants. Detached I may be, but Amulet implants I never did see.

As with my other attempts to wander back into Eve, I decided to pick an area that was holding me back. What had I not explored in the game and why?

Fear of ridicule has been a defining thing for me. People mistake it as not wanting to make mistakes or thinking that I am to good for failure. It is none of these things. I do not enjoy being bullied. I am not competitive and I do not care if I win or lose. I enjoy working with others and I will assist others in their efforts and support them. I do not personally care about the outcome as a defining thing about me. I am disappointed if I am trying for something and I do not succeed but competition is no driver for me.

Eve is a competitive game even if you do not try to be competitive. In normal times, I would have ignored all of the competitive aspects. But I wound up in an area where it was the lifeblood of the game. I crawled into a round hole my square peg never fit into and tried to make it work until it did not.

My fear was not in failing. Eve is a video game. My fear was to fail the people around me and not live up to their standards. To fail would be to give them reason to criticize me. Ridicule, vicious language, mockery et all are a normal part of banter that I do not enjoy. I played in desperation to stay under this radar.

That has defined much of playing Eve for me. I wanted to fit in. I wanted to be valuable and useful to people. I wanted to belong and to that end I tried to create my game.

And, I failed.

At the moment I am playing the Division 2 with 2 friends. We coordinate our days off and spend time playing. We all have very different work schedules but we manage to play about twice a week on average. That game reminds me a ton of Eve. There are gear sets, talents give random percentages based of of timers. You can build up a set or tear it down, changing focus as damage or support. You can craft gear sets and hunt down rare gear to create these amazing things.

I do none of that. I wear stuff that lets me play. I have guns that I like because I like them. I have a DPS build that is fairly nerfed but I don't care. I just enjoy playing with my friends. I could spend time building a better character but I do not want to because I do not find that fun.

Playing Eve right has never been fun to me. And my implants have been a reflection of that.

I don't care if I am killed in Eve. I don't want to be the best. I don't want to be the worst. I don't want to be anything. But I tried for a very long time to be something and when everything else gave I didn't have a real me there playing.

I enjoy flying around Eve so very, very much. It is a beautiful game. One filled with fascinating and amazing people.  There are so many things I miss about the interactions in Eve.

But I think that there is part of what I was that needs to retire if I am to figure out how to play again in any true way.

Comments

  1. Always nice to hear something again :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I too have been away, though not quite as much as you...
    It is very good to see you out n about again Sugar... there are those of us who always though quietly, thought well of you and have missed your voice, your take on our weird game... and your style lady. =]

    So many are gone form the old blogshere... so many missed friends, I personally am glad yer back.

    Now if I could just find the time to undock...

    ReplyDelete

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