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Hello Void

The idea of screaming into the void always appealed to me. I will admit, the screaming part is unnecessary. I was never prone to utterances of extreme volume.  But the void, a place to come and create was always appealing.

Where have I been?

In many ways I stopped blogging. Both here and my personal blog. I need to correct my day to day activities. I have a lot to write about. The dogs. The house. My hobbies.

The stoppage was a mixture of exhaustion and the job position that I moved to during my second CSM term. I had more tasks to do which came with greater responsibilities.  I actually wrote so much at work that my other writing faded away through exhaustion. Add in the CSM burnout and I just walked away from some things.

Now, I find that I am finally out past my NDA. It was not a point that I set as any type of personal goal. I just happened to realize that it was July and the last time I thought of Eve was when a CSM post from whispous crossed my reddit feed.

I felt nostalgic. I liked whispous when I was in Snuffbox. He is one of the people I wish that I could have cultivated as a friend vs the polite acquaintance that we had. I find that one should seek out and keep good people in their lives and try to cultivate the ones that we find even if it does not work out.

Anyway, my nostalgia caused me to log into both twitter and Eve. How exciting. Then I found myself leaning forward and squinting. I do admit, it has been nine years since I started playing. Who would expect such a thing? But, it was my new monitors that were the actual problem. My husband upgraded me to a pair of curved 4k Samsung in January, right before the world set itself on fire and the US decided to eat glue as a national pastime.

This left me squinting at my screen going, "Eh?" and then I said, "Ahh" and carefully hit my F key's like someone learning hot cross buns on the piano until I remembered it was the ESC key. With my UI controls in hand I upped it to 175%, giggled, and found out that stations have changed again.

It is a quirk of fate and a side effect of childhood that leaves me not stirred by visual media. I may be the only person that find the billboards in the stations distasteful. I have not looked to see if they annoy anyone else. I spun my ship with the grace of long practice and smiled at the familiar comfort of my now empty channels.

I found my inventory filled with containers from things. I remembered that I logged in during Christmas. Perhaps these were they? I had no idea. Were they valuable? i still love collecting income in my games no matter how useless they are.

Sugar's skill queue is empty again. It is an ancient game, surpassed by the change in nature that skill points bring. but it is my ancient game. And I filled her skill queue and undocked to chase some of the newer choices on the market.

She is remarkably unbalanced with nothing in Caldari and Amarr.  My old distastes have fallen to the wayside. Skill books are again fun. I still don't like missiles. Please do not think I have lost all of my mind.

The 'why' to play Eve is still there. I do miss people. I miss the people I would chat to. I often didn't talk to them as much as I wanted because I worried about bothering them with chatter. It has been an interesting bit of personal perspective over the last few years. I learned a lot about myself delaing with the social morass of the CSM.

And as for my NDA? Last year I was pointed to Jester or Ripard Teg or however one may know him doing an AMA on reddit. I found my lip curling a bit which amused me. It seems that part of me has not moved but so far away.

The NDA that we were issued was sent to us. We were to fill it out and ship the signed copy back to Iceland. The second term, it was all digital. The thing is the NDA was never properly followed by CCP. It had wording about how topics we were not to discuss were to be given to us in writing and such things. The actual steps to fulfill the NDA never happened. What we were following was nothing more than a NDA of morals. I had no problem with this.

I wasn't hiding anything. I just tried to coach myself in polite language. Instead of rolling my eyes and being snarky. I wanted to. I got more and more bitter about things but my goal was always what was productive and useful. What was my reason for being there? I was not there to be a bitch. I ran on the wrong platform for that. Nor was I there to call people out for their humanity. That was already happening to me. It meant that the NDA had little meaning for me and then later it was trying to figure out how to balance rumor, fact, and how useful was it to share how nasty and  two faced some people were? I wasn't working for my fellow CSM and if one looked at my work you would see me kicking people when they overstepped my line. I ran off of my morals and values.

The stuff I did not share was stuff that I solved. There are several things that made me very, very mad. They are the core of my bitterness. However, I got those things taken care of with CCP as a company with employees not as a player to their developers.  But the fact that they happened soured me. Mix that with my shattered in game relationships with my corporations and my entire support structure crumbled around me.

I floated until I fell.

It sucked. Some rumor did work its way out. I had someone come and try to interview me for the truth about the issues I addressed. I was told that it was my duty to share. Sigh. I feel so transparent yet people do not know me. I have never had any problem writing what I wanted to say when I felt it could or should be said.

There is some redemption. Those involved no longer work for the company.  That helps the bitterness a bit. I am a bit black and white on these topics so grayness only makes me angry.


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