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Hi!

Hi there!

I still haven't figured out what I am doing or want to do or will do or if I should do, but I wanted to say thank you to those who have said hi or sent me a compliment. I appreciate it and I'm not sure that I have shown that appreciation enough in the past.

I'm not a commentor. I read a lot of things but it took me a long time to start to make comments. Often, they are only a few lines. I do it because I realized that I wanted more feedback. I wanted to engage my readers in what they read and why they read it. I just never figured how to do it without looking like I was greedy for attention. I wasn't. I was greedy for feedback. Some of what I do is a reaction from readers. Most of what I do is whatever comes into my head.

Such as the fact that I have a Fenrir BPO researched to 7%. I have no idea where I got that from. Did I kill someone for it? I also missed the Gecko bubble. My Leopards are ridiculously valuable for a ship I love using and I have pirate frigates on another account.

There was a period where I wanted to collect things in Eve. I've always waffled between practicality and being comfortable with losing what I fly, and wanting nice things I don't want to lose. That is what led to my toy box and why I have pants worth almost 200 mil when timed properly. The sale history is kinda fascinatingly all over the place.


Being in Jita also reminds me that I must love large text files, but I have never really blocked people in Jita. I just ignore local most of the time. If anything, abusive Eve players helped me to learn how to filter text. I have never learned how to ignore the terrible things said but I'm better at not reading it in the first place. I rarely react to them. It may be what startles people when I speak up about some things. When one deals with bullies in life, reaction is often feeding them. Or, I may just be that calm natured. I doubt it, there is a lot of fire under here. Unconfident fire, but fire none the less.

For those that are reading my slog through the CSM, thank you for riding my emotional journey. The memoirs I write are not about finger pointing and drama. Its about a girl, that happens to be me, that tried something without knowing what that thing was but with clear ideas about what they wanted it to be. I know that I write emotionally. It is how I am as a person. I feel things and that is how I define the world around me. It may be different for others, but my emotional reaction is part of my life.

In this blog, over the last six years, I've shared how I felt about things. I've shared confusion. I've admitted to not getting things that everyone just seemed to know. I wrote about the buy orders that went wrong and not being confident in the things I do. Some of that is because there are other people out there that are not all 'rawr!' about the world. It may make some look at me with distaste, but they'd probably not like me anyway.

Still, I wonder sometimes if writing about how terrible something felt makes people think that my entire life is a whirlpool of anxiety. The answer is it isn't. Oh, I'm anxious about stuff. I'm not a confident person. But being anxious and not being confident haven't stopped me from doing things. I just admit that they are there and often obnoxious hurdles that I sometimes stumble on when trying to climb over. I'd love to say that I leap them, but most of the time I kind of drag myself up and fall over the other side face first.

I'd love to face life with confidence. It'd be wonderful to think that I was so amazing and capable that nothing would stop me. Instead, my world is full of obstacles and my skill set is about surmounting them. I wish I could spell, but I'm never going to be able to have the phonetic recognition to create flawless works. Instead, I learn my weak points and try to double check them to reduce my errors and the inevitable corrections that come with making errors from those who see where I am blind. I'm not color blind, but it is the best analogy that I've been able to come up with the explain to people what it is like to be dyslexic in the way that I am.

Maybe I should have shared more. I'm closing on a second house on Wednesday. My husband and I are venturing into our first investment property. We've also been together for 15 years come January. I'll celebrate my 12th year at my job and over the last two years I've received a few awards for being a good girl. My car and school loan are paid off. My credit scores over 800 and in general, I'm rather pleased at how I've managed my life. Also, trip to England next month!

Intuition also is two years old today.


Maybe I should have just written myself in as the majestic, suave, savior of all of Eve. Always the things we think of too late.

Comments

  1. My heartfelt congratulations on paid off loans! That is a great feeling is it not?
    Good luck on the investment property! (The paperwork involved alone would kill me lol I hate paperwork with a passion)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Suave may not be your specialty and I don't suspect EVE will ever spawn a savior but you're plenty majestic Sugar Kyle. My EVE's better when you are in it - even at a distance.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Reading your account has rekindled my interest in returning to the game.

    Success is more exciting to experience than it is to read about. Struggle is frustrating to experience but captivating to read about. Failure is humbling and worse to experience, but interesting to read about. It all affirms the reasons that I supported, and voted for, you for CSM at the time. I find the antics of would-be Machiavels to be tiresome (and amusing, when they implode). Your clear-eyed honesty is always refreshing.

    I particularly enjoy reading about your odd-couple relationship with Sion.

    Congratulations on the new home!

    ReplyDelete

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