"Don’t let them in
Don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Don’t let them know…"
The lyrics to 'Let it Go' are rather potent. Beyond the song and dance of Disney, they are remarkably flexible. Add that they are sung by an ice queen and it is quite a marvelous tune.
While hanging out for the sake of hanging out in Eve Uni Chat (yes, I'm still there. Wallflower forever!) skill points came up. Someone was pleased about their skill tree. I'm still unfamiliar with the new layouts so I had to ask what tree they meant. They posted their top notice that shows how complete you are in certain skill trees.
There have been some bitterness in this blog when it comes to the changes in skill points. I understand that things had to change. In some ways I don't resent the changes. Lack of resentment does not mean I like the changes. Think of it as when they changed the green skittles in a regular pack of original skittles from lime to apple. There was no need for it. It isn't original. Yet, a whole generation doesn't know that lime skittles once sat in that package. I'm still bitter but I'll eat skittles and leave the green ones behind.
But secrets. When he posted his skill list he made sure to neatly crop it. I was reminded of neat cropping. Don't let people see systems. Don't let them see chat windows. Don't let them see chat tabs. Don't share hangar contents. Dont... hide... conceal...
So, I responded with this:
At first I was going to crop my skills. Then I asked myself what was I hiding? I expanded it to include Sugar's pretty little skull and pondered it. Automatically, years of habit had me hiding the information about her.
"To continue to let Elsa speak for me:
It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all!"
I'm not quite as carefree as I'd like to be in this. I realize that the habits and fears and the hiding and embarrassment were still there. This is something I'd like to excise. It is something I have to if I ever want to do more then skim the edges of the game again.
I have never been ashamed of what I was and what I am. This very blog began because I couldn't find anyone struggling as they started Eve. Everyone was a bad ass and I wondered that I was the only idiot that couldn't figure out how to move their ship in space. I started writing to share what I was, because I do not believe there is shame in ignorance that you are trying to conquer.
I learned to hide my flaws. "Oh, you don't have level 5 in that?" No.. no I don't. I've been playing for six months, how can I have level 5 yet? "Oh you can't fit this? Fly that?" The sneers, for they where sneers and put downs, made me sensitive. I learned to show the edges and the pieces or not show them at all. Even today, I refuse to share ship fits because to share a fit is to face inevitable tear down and ridicule.
I hate it. I really, really hate it. I hate hiding everything. I hate avoiding things. I understand why. There is to much enjoyment in this game when it comes to hiding and finding people. There is to much of Eve wrapped around the mythos of those that have destroyed from inside. I understand it.
I hate it still.
If there is ever to be any part of me playing Eve with any enjoyment, this has to go. If may mean someone hunts me down. If so, they are welcome to do it. I am not that interesting. If I am that interesting to someone, it will be a compliment. And, I'm filthy rich. I passed 100 billion in assets a long time ago. I may not be on the levels of the ultra wealthy, but no one is going to case me to weep for lack of Jaguars or Sleipners in my hangars.
"Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!
I don’t care what they’re going to say.."
I've always cared. I'm not the person that is not harmed by words. I wish I was. I'm not. I'll never be. But, I can stop caring about the people that say those nasty words. As I've drifted away from Eve and stopped needing to speak in such as way as to communicate to anyone, not just that wanted to hear, I got back my ability to flap my wings. Sadly, no wings but I can make due with what I have.
"It’s time to see
What I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong
No rules for me
Maybe. We may see. No promises just yet.