Thursday, April 21, 2016

All Done

Today was the last technical day of CSM10. Someone sent me a message to tell me that the election results have happened.

Off and on since January I have thought about what to write here. I've pondered bitterness and snark. My bitter explosion was ruined by a typo on twitter to become a butter explosion. I've debated the polite, social face where I bow and thank people and wish everyone good luck. And for a while I wondered if I'd even say anything and just fall off the map into silence.

The problem with giving into emotional responses sit hat a lot of people have the potential to be harmed by them. People who supported me and worked with me would get shat on. That is the side effect from just letting all of the pent up stuff go.

Its been two years. I'm sorry that I've flopped along these last few months and slowly died on you. After February, after everything that happened and was done and the choices that were made for good and for bad, I had nothing left. In a way that was good. I had tied up most things and finished most projects. All that was left was hobbling along to the end.

The CSM can be consumptive. It doesn't consume everyone. I'm regularly fascinated by how many people join it and never do a damn thing. They don't participate. They don't create. They barely speak up and then they put on a public face and get praised and sometimes reelected. I tried to avoid that myself by laying myself out to you all each week. I tried to be honest and clear about others. I don't know if I did a good enough job but I did make the effort.

The strangest thing about this election process is the fact that many people want us to be politicians. On one hand we are cursed for being politicians. As you learn to make neutral statements to not break the NDA (for those that don't just hide behind it and use it as Captain America's shield whenever someone tires to find out if they do anything) people curse you. They get mad. I think we're supposed to break the rules if it is convent tot he listener. On way or another, no matter how honest you are and transparent and how much you share, people will accuse you of being a politician.

But they want you to be one. We're treated like it. The shit storm of american politics this year has been eye opening in that regard. For reasons I do not fully comprehend, people want members of the CSM to be politicians. If for no other reason, that expectation is one of the things that destroys us. We don't have any actual power or agency but we are treated like we do. It is a remarkable burden to carry and try to overcome. It is one that we fail at doing year after year as the candidates flare and burn out.

Somewhere, in that, stuff has the potential to happen. I'm walking away, proud of a lot of things that I started, supported, or had a hand in. It may not be as spectacular as some people expect. But, again, we don't have that power or ability. We never will.

It isn't so bad. To speak for people is important. A lot of those conversations are not flashy. They are reminders that the players are people and not just business metrics. There is more involved then the developers and the fantastic gameplay that they make. There is also CCP's interaction with their clients in general across all levels. They have included us in these things and that is probably where the bulk of the head beating frustration happens.

Maybe we do to much. Maybe we don't do enough. To some we are just laughable for caring and trying in an unpaid position. I don't have a comeback about laughing last and how amazing I am despite it. To those that mock me and what I may do or try to do, be it as impotent as a student council or not, it mattered a lot to me.

The trust that was given to me these past two years mattered to me. It kept me motivated and it kept me going. That people would honor me with that belief and faith has been utterly humble. And I know that I have not been strong enough or capable enough to give back as much as I have been given. Still, I will stand here and say that I tried. Even as things imploded and I knew that my second CSM term would be met with ridicule and scorn, I tried to help the future that we could potentially have.

After all, trying is what I promised to do. Oh, I know it has not been enough. How often I have been told that. But I put myself out there. I tried to make happen what I believed in and I sacrificed myself to do it. That, I am proud of.

I am happy to be done. I do not regret the choice that I made. I am not sorry that I ran for the CSM. None of that stops the bittersweet longing for things as they were two years ago. I miss those times. I miss myself, then. I am tired and burned. I really never had the personality to do this job and do it well. I did not blossom in the public eye but instead steadily wilted. Its a disappointment but one that I expected. I do know myself reasonably well and I knew that the having the public's eye in this extent would leave me tattered at the end.

I do apologize that I don't have those pretty social platitudes to give. I don't have long winded stories about my love for the rest of the CSM and the special relationship that we never had. I don't even have drinking stories for you because I gave up on socializing at the end. It may be unfair to offer this exhausted truth but it is all I have to give. To try to spin light and the soft laughter of warm memories across the top feels to much a lie.

This has been an amazing journey. There has been joy and incredible pain. I have met amazing people at CCP. Some that I hope I will in contact with. I've met others in the Eve community I would have never known tucked into the sordid red spaces of Molden Heath. I'd have never known the beauty and terrible pain of flying to close to the sun and the long fall back down.

I regret none of it.

Thank you for having me.

P.S. - If you have questions, ask them. :)

34 comments:

  1. Sugar, you did an amazing job, putting yourself into it 110%. I'm sorry that what should have been a joy turned out to be a painful experience. You've probably learned more about people, and what they can be like, in two years than I'll learn in a lifetime.

    Good luck with whatever comes next and I hope to see your around New Eden doing anything you want to do!

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  2. Appropriate

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFtGfyruroU

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    Replies
    1. Spot on! Get back in space Suger!

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  3. If there is anything I can say that will be fitting tribute to your integrity, commitment and honour, I know not what it is.

    Thank you.

    o7

    Rob.

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  4. Honestly you were a model CSM. Thank you for your time, work, and energy.

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  5. Honestly you were a model CSM. Thank you for your time, work, and energy.

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  6. Best CSM ever. I hope, no matter what, you remain in New Eden. We're a better place with you. Please remain in space so we can shoot you, and you can shoot us! :)

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  7. Sugar, every time some... let's say, unhappy... piece of news came out of the CSM this year, you're the person my brain immediately thought of to give me hope in whatever weird process the CSM is.

    I don't know if that's at all reflected by any sort of reality in the CSM, NDA and all, but without you this would have been the year I decided like a lot of others that we should just burn it to the ground.

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    1. Thank you. Didn't say that before in all your articles for this series of you signing off of the CSM. Thank you.

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    2. :)

      It was never about seeking thanks. I am sorry that I faltered so badly in the end. I feel I should have been able to come up with something better than the angry silence.

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    3. Discretion is the better part of valor, so even if it wasn't your ideal strategy, silence was probably better than fanning the drama flames further.

      One day I would love to hear you unpack this: "After February, after everything that happened and was done and the choices that were made for good and for bad[.]" I'm fascinated by how the CSM works (and fails to work) because it's such a singular and fragile thing.

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    4. If you went into it seeking thanks you wouldn't deserve them.

      And I don't care about the last 2 months. Everyone hits their point when shit is something up with which they will not put.

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  8. Congratulations on serving these last 2 years. I am one of many who appreciated what you did and the thought and effort you put into it. I always enjoyed reading your posts about the CSM and am looking forward to the non-CSM topics you have ahead of you.

    I hope to see your name in local so I can shout out, "There's the best damn CSM!"

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  9. Sugar,

    Your posts nearly always revel in wonderful specificity. Accordingly, after reading I nearly always end up feeling honored that you’ve chosen to explore with me what things mean to you. It’s an extraordinary gift to hand someone. A gift you deliver with consummate skill. It’s been an honor to accompany you on your two year CSM journey. Thanks for inviting me aboard.

    Two questions:
    1) As you step away from your two year CSM stint do to you plan to step away from Eve as well?
    2) Can you step away from Eve?

    Only fair I answer such questions myself:
    1) I plan to stick around.
    2) I choose to believe I could step away from Eve. It would be bewildering but I could do it.

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  10. Thank you Sugar.

    It's been a rough ride and you walked it to the end. That means more than it seems.

    I hope to read you again, maybe even continue the sereis about the Expansions of EVe Online (which was what first brought me here, those where the times...)

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  11. Sugar - thank you for your service and support of the EVE Online community. You did a great job, and we really do appreciate it!

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  12. Your care and service to the community aren't forgotten or unappreciated, Sug. Thanks for heart and soul devotion and making EVE a richer, smarter and better place. So far-- don't stop pard!

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  13. Sugar... Like so many I don't really know how to properly say thank you... how to say it so you know how much it is meant.

    But I can say something I think few can... thank you for making my kids happy... The copy of Templar One you gave Aiden is treasured and Boo loves her Valkyrie Comic, the Hero is 'Ran' after all...

    Thank you for being a very real inspiration to my dottir. She has the greatest respect and admiration for you, as do I.

    o7, I hope we cross paths again one day, both out in the black and maybe, in the real.

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  14. The CSM is worse off without you! You've been great on the CSM, thanks for two years of hard work. I'm sad however that low sec doesn't have a candidate to take your place and carry on the torch.

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  15. That's what was great about your updates. If you'll pardon the pun, you never sugar coat anything. You don't go off the handle either, at least not here. I could take what you said to the bank.

    Thank you for two highly productive years. o7

    I don't see anyone on the new CSM who replaces you.

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  16. Thanks for all your work Lady Kyle. You are a bit of a role model (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

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    Replies
    1. My only regret is that I didn't get to know you better personally. :-)

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  17. Thank you for all the work you put in !!

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  18. Sugar,

    Hard to add to things that have already been said.

    Thanks for taking on caused that weren't necessarily your own buy needed a champion. Thanks for creating a community that I could plug into when I so badly needed to. Thanks for all the effort, both visible and invisible.

    // aba

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  19. Thank you for all your hard work and dedication. Best of luck.

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  20. Thanks for your work Sugar you are the tops!!!

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  21. 22 productive months, and you are sorry about the last 2?

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  22. Ouch. That was raw and hurt to read. Thanks for the kick in the feels. Seriously though: thanks for all the hard work and the blood sweat and tears. I couldn't have done more than you and to my mind that says everything about what you did for me. Pleas
    e don't ever think your hard work was unnoticed or unappreciated. O7

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  23. Ouch. That was raw and hurt to read. Thanks for the kick in the feels. Seriously though: thanks for all the hard work and the blood sweat and tears. I couldn't have done more than you and to my mind that says everything about what you did for me. Pleas
    e don't ever think your hard work was unnoticed or unappreciated. O7

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  24. I will add to the cavalcade of thank yous for some outstanding work. It has been my absolute privilege to get to know you as you went about your CSM terms. I know they weren't easy at times but a lot more people appreciate it then you may know. Please don't be a stranger :-D

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