Today was the last technical day of CSM10. Someone sent me a message to tell me that the election results have happened.
Off and on since January I have thought about what to write here. I've pondered bitterness and snark. My bitter explosion was ruined by a typo on twitter to become a butter explosion. I've debated the polite, social face where I bow and thank people and wish everyone good luck. And for a while I wondered if I'd even say anything and just fall off the map into silence.
The problem with giving into emotional responses sit hat a lot of people have the potential to be harmed by them. People who supported me and worked with me would get shat on. That is the side effect from just letting all of the pent up stuff go.
Its been two years. I'm sorry that I've flopped along these last few months and slowly died on you. After February, after everything that happened and was done and the choices that were made for good and for bad, I had nothing left. In a way that was good. I had tied up most things and finished most projects. All that was left was hobbling along to the end.
The CSM can be consumptive. It doesn't consume everyone. I'm regularly fascinated by how many people join it and never do a damn thing. They don't participate. They don't create. They barely speak up and then they put on a public face and get praised and sometimes reelected. I tried to avoid that myself by laying myself out to you all each week. I tried to be honest and clear about others. I don't know if I did a good enough job but I did make the effort.
The strangest thing about this election process is the fact that many people want us to be politicians. On one hand we are cursed for being politicians. As you learn to make neutral statements to not break the NDA (for those that don't just hide behind it and use it as Captain America's shield whenever someone tires to find out if they do anything) people curse you. They get mad. I think we're supposed to break the rules if it is convent tot he listener. On way or another, no matter how honest you are and transparent and how much you share, people will accuse you of being a politician.
But they want you to be one. We're treated like it. The shit storm of american politics this year has been eye opening in that regard. For reasons I do not fully comprehend, people want members of the CSM to be politicians. If for no other reason, that expectation is one of the things that destroys us. We don't have any actual power or agency but we are treated like we do. It is a remarkable burden to carry and try to overcome. It is one that we fail at doing year after year as the candidates flare and burn out.
Somewhere, in that, stuff has the potential to happen. I'm walking away, proud of a lot of things that I started, supported, or had a hand in. It may not be as spectacular as some people expect. But, again, we don't have that power or ability. We never will.
It isn't so bad. To speak for people is important. A lot of those conversations are not flashy. They are reminders that the players are people and not just business metrics. There is more involved then the developers and the fantastic gameplay that they make. There is also CCP's interaction with their clients in general across all levels. They have included us in these things and that is probably where the bulk of the head beating frustration happens.
Maybe we do to much. Maybe we don't do enough. To some we are just laughable for caring and trying in an unpaid position. I don't have a comeback about laughing last and how amazing I am despite it. To those that mock me and what I may do or try to do, be it as impotent as a student council or not, it mattered a lot to me.
The trust that was given to me these past two years mattered to me. It kept me motivated and it kept me going. That people would honor me with that belief and faith has been utterly humble. And I know that I have not been strong enough or capable enough to give back as much as I have been given. Still, I will stand here and say that I tried. Even as things imploded and I knew that my second CSM term would be met with ridicule and scorn, I tried to help the future that we could potentially have.
After all, trying is what I promised to do. Oh, I know it has not been enough. How often I have been told that. But I put myself out there. I tried to make happen what I believed in and I sacrificed myself to do it. That, I am proud of.
I am happy to be done. I do not regret the choice that I made. I am not sorry that I ran for the CSM. None of that stops the bittersweet longing for things as they were two years ago. I miss those times. I miss myself, then. I am tired and burned. I really never had the personality to do this job and do it well. I did not blossom in the public eye but instead steadily wilted. Its a disappointment but one that I expected. I do know myself reasonably well and I knew that the having the public's eye in this extent would leave me tattered at the end.
I do apologize that I don't have those pretty social platitudes to give. I don't have long winded stories about my love for the rest of the CSM and the special relationship that we never had. I don't even have drinking stories for you because I gave up on socializing at the end. It may be unfair to offer this exhausted truth but it is all I have to give. To try to spin light and the soft laughter of warm memories across the top feels to much a lie.
This has been an amazing journey. There has been joy and incredible pain. I have met amazing people at CCP. Some that I hope I will in contact with. I've met others in the Eve community I would have never known tucked into the sordid red spaces of Molden Heath. I'd have never known the beauty and terrible pain of flying to close to the sun and the long fall back down.
I regret none of it.
Thank you for having me.
P.S. - If you have questions, ask them. :)