Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Most of the Musing Stuff

I had planned to write another fiction story after Vegas. I may not be able to do so. Since Vegas, I have been caught up in a whirlpool of thought and personal change. It is amazing how a small moment can change so many things. But, I had one of those moments at Vegas. It is small in comparison to the dozens of other amazing ones I got from the warmth and thanks of the community. It was small because I met someone I have known for years. We said hello and never spoke to each other again.

It was the lack of communication that did it. I actually saw instead of just possessing the knowledge, of how much of myself I had wound around a certain set of memories and happenings. And its utter smallness finally showed itself to me. I was the only one that cared.

My game identity has been a murky place for me for the past few months. I had always identified myself by my corporation. I prided myself on my loyalty and devotion. When I went solo a lot of things started to slip away from me because I felt that I had lost that identity. I was not anyone without a corporation because I used other people to define who and what I was in the game.

It in no way is a bad thing. I have met so many amazing people over the last four years. Yet, my fourth birthday is coming up and I find myself puzzled over who and what I am in Eve these days. I am everything that I was, but what am I going to become? I've let the CSM consume me. It was never a goal but it did happen. As I've sifted through these things I am reminded that I put a fascinating amount of weight on the opinions of others. It mostly comes from the fact that I worry about being blinded by my own opinion. I could think I was super fantastic and in fact I was the most amazing bitch that had ever walked upon the earth.

I want to be a decent person to know in game. I don't mean a good person. I enjoyed life as a pirate. I simply mean a decent person. One that people are not uncomfortable to be around. My reputation would not be the reputation of someone that was vicious and harmful to others for no cause. I strive for rationality and I wish to be competent at the things that I do.

Somewhere in that I'll find myself again. I also need to pull back and think about some things that I want to think about. I have so many things that I need to think about or that people want me to think about. I'm forgetting about what I want to think about or do think about. I miss that too.

5 comments:

  1. Very powerful and full of insight, thanks for this

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  2. These inner thoughts are fascinating as a case study. Thank you for sharing!

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  4. "I want to be a decent person to know in game. I don't mean a good person. I enjoyed life as a pirate. I simply mean a decent person. One that people are not uncomfortable to be around."

    It can be a difficult line to walk. Sometimes we succeed. Occasionally we don't. Eve lets us try. Extraordinary game, Eve Online.

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  5. These introspective posts might be my favorite of all that you write. I have experienced so many of the same feelings. Hang in there. When your CSM term is over, you'll be surprised how much space you have to think and breathe on your own behalf.

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