It was the lack of communication that did it. I actually saw instead of just possessing the knowledge, of how much of myself I had wound around a certain set of memories and happenings. And its utter smallness finally showed itself to me. I was the only one that cared.
My game identity has been a murky place for me for the past few months. I had always identified myself by my corporation. I prided myself on my loyalty and devotion. When I went solo a lot of things started to slip away from me because I felt that I had lost that identity. I was not anyone without a corporation because I used other people to define who and what I was in the game.
It in no way is a bad thing. I have met so many amazing people over the last four years. Yet, my fourth birthday is coming up and I find myself puzzled over who and what I am in Eve these days. I am everything that I was, but what am I going to become? I've let the CSM consume me. It was never a goal but it did happen. As I've sifted through these things I am reminded that I put a fascinating amount of weight on the opinions of others. It mostly comes from the fact that I worry about being blinded by my own opinion. I could think I was super fantastic and in fact I was the most amazing bitch that had ever walked upon the earth.
I want to be a decent person to know in game. I don't mean a good person. I enjoyed life as a pirate. I simply mean a decent person. One that people are not uncomfortable to be around. My reputation would not be the reputation of someone that was vicious and harmful to others for no cause. I strive for rationality and I wish to be competent at the things that I do.
Somewhere in that I'll find myself again. I also need to pull back and think about some things that I want to think about. I have so many things that I need to think about or that people want me to think about. I'm forgetting about what I want to think about or do think about. I miss that too.