I came home and Tikktokk beat me about the head with mathematical equations. It was an interesting entry to the game considering my thoughts earlier today. I've never been ashamed of admitting that I am bad at Eve. I'm not technical. I'm not an engineer. I don't see the game in its numeric forms. I do things by feel, and sense, and touch. I fly the ships that feel right to me in the fits that feel right. I could not tell you why I like one more than other. The closest I have come is that they best support my reactions and interpretation of the game.
There are things that I can do in Eve but I could not explain or teach. Sometimes, I wonder if I am behind for the length of time that I have played. Seeing that Chella had ticked over 70 million skill points has left me wondering. I still find that I expect to feel something with each skill point level. Seventy million was an unheard of number at one time. It was not something that I'd ever achieve.
If it is even achieved.
Skills train in real time. I simply have to plug them in. I still have to learn how to use them and with my low activity levels this last year I am going to have to learn to use a lot of things. In my mind I am still a Jaguar pilot just kissing forty million skill points and able to reasonably fly two races of frigates and cruisers with a kissing of T2 sprinkled in.
It may be why I am so comfortable starting an alt. I don't know what to do with my mains. For years now, I've been training towards other peoples doctrines. I've been training to be the best fleet pilot that I could be. I've made money to afford whatever fit I was told to fly without flinching. I've trained so that I never had to question anything about it.
But, that's not the same as having personal goals and wants.
I was happy two years ago as a tackle pilot buzzing around in my assault frigate. Some of it was stubbornness. I know my ship of choice is not good or the best but I enjoyed it. The more people told me that my ship of choice sucked the more determined I was to fly how I wanted to. But I tempered that habit of mine of biting on and not letting go of something with reasonableness by learning things that would allow me to be useful.
Now, I'm a bit lost. I can do so many things but I don't know what I want to do with them. I can do things that I've never done so I don't even know if I like them.
Having seventy million skill points hasn't bestowed any knowledge. No magical door has opened to show me the way. It's still just me under here. Trying to figure things out.