I am struggling with what I believe to be pride.
I've always wanted to be self sufficient in Eve. I did not come into the game expecting to play with anyone else. I was going to make it in the world by myself. I, however, wound up making friends. At the same time, I was determine not to be a liability. I wanted to be an asset. Such was my start and it has led me down several paths and many adventures both pleasant and not.
However, I'm suborn. The other day, while discussing alts, someone left a comment that said they enjoyed reaching new abilities and doing new things. Alts spoiled that feeling. On one hand I can easily see where they are coming from. On the other hand is my life in Eve. I've spent most of my time trying to hang out with people above my skill and knowledge level. I used alts for two reasons. One: I wanted new avatars. Two: To expand my abilities and reinforce my independence.
The most painful things that have been said to me in this game are all related to my usefulness. Such as the time that I was called a leech for salvaging instead of assisting someone in the project they wanted to do. And more recently, when I was told that I refuse to learn and do things to make myself useful. The results of those things is examination. Am I these things? What did I do to create the sense that I was not useful? How can I correct this? How can I be useful?
I have a burning sense of independence. I enjoy working with people. I enjoy doing stuff with others. But, I must have my own thing that I am the full owner of. I'm possessive of what I have created and I am proud of what I am able to do with myself. However, such things are held up by nothing but myself. That means my projects suffer when my time suffers.
Life is involves changes.
However, the latest changes have left me floundering a bit. I have, what is I believe a good opportunity. I can use a corporation POS to run my building instead of my own. Yet, I find myself not pleased as I should be. Which, to me seems silly. POS are expensive to run. But, I'm not used to getting things from others. It makes me uncomfortable.
Its a somewhat stupid set of emotions.