Earlier this weekend I started to wonder if I am too optimistic. My Eve weekend started out poorly. I hit Friday morning bright eyed and cheerful to have a full weekend of gaming and puttering around. I had an Eve mail that depressed me and a conversation that exhausted me and a discussion that made me log out and go and wash the dogs and clean the house instead.
The Eve mail was depressing not because of what it was. It was a plea for help and I have attempted to help that person. They found my blog and they were comfortable enough with me to write to me for help. Their situation was one that deeply frustrates me. New to the game they've read my blog and others and dove face first into Eve only to experience nothing of the good that is talked about. In fact, in about two days they bumped into a lot of the shittier side of the game which, when mixed with being new, is a terrible fucking experience.
I know how good the game can be. I know how bad it can be as well. I wondered, do I misrepresent things? I try to write about the good and the bad but I do not try to dwell upon the negatives. I'd consume myself alive if I did. Negatives have more weight then positives. Sometimes, it is a struggle to dig through them all to find the non-negatives. I could dwell on the negatives of Eve but enough other people spend their time doing that.
But, as I sat there wondering if I'd led this person astray I debated recent weeks for myself. I wondered if I was lying to myself. I have been rather down myself. I had something very unpleasant happen a few weeks ago and I'm not getting over it well. Its left me examining everything as one is prone to do when in a funk. Yet, even as I wondered I reached out and touched some people. I directed this person to the help that I think that they need and invited them to my channel. On one hand I could see the negatives and on the other I was actively helping them to overcome those negatives.
Everyday is not perfect. It is one of the things that makes Eve interesting. It is also one of the things that makes it frustrating. But when its a non perfect time it is rather unpleasant. Yet, as I sat there, directing this new player to one of the Faction Warfare corporations that had reached out to me to take in new players I could indeed say that there are positives to the game. How I bring those positives to more people is a question.
I could lose my mind and jump off the bitterness cliff. I've felt its pull heavily in the last few weeks. But that is more a result of sadness then actual bitterness. And the solution to bitterness has always been to confront it and kick it in the teeth. I've been moping around for a few weeks now and I need to move past that.
So! When I received a different mail from another new player who wanted to say hi and ask me a question I smiled. They've been playing a month and have settled into the game. So, I took some time to work on that and start crawling out of my little depressed hole that I have sunk into. It is pretty dark and sad in there and sitting and waiting for it to stop upsetting me isn't working so I'll have to take another path.
I find that I have multiple views of Eve. I have my general, grater game concept. I have the one that I see and know and love which involves the CSM. And I have my own personal game where all the ups and downs and back and forth of playing happen. The three are interconnected but very different. I can be very, very depressed about my game of Eve without being upset about the game in general or unhappy doing CSM stuff. I can be very run down with CSM stuff without having my enthusiasm for my game play dulled.
I'm thankful to both of the Eve mails that I received. Unintentionally, they kicked me out of a place I've been sitting in for weeks now. I think that I will write up that next. Finish out the new year in a way. I rarely do reflective or future posts for the new year but I think I'll break that tradition this time so that I can move on.