In a way I wondered how I would step back into my Eve life when I got home yesterday. I realized that I had an interesting division of time for the future. My normal Eve life was getting out of control. I have things to restock and new doctrines to buy. On the other hand I have the minutes to do and they pretty much trump everything in game.
Yet, I cling to my in game activities. They ground me. Any time I wonder who am I and what am I spending some game time playing helps. After curling up and dumping my brain and concepts out over the last few days and dredging through my own thoughts as well as the ideas and opinions handed to me I felt very drained and very tired. I had this thought, "Will I have anything to write about again?"
It seems that the cure for soul crushing exhaustion is to get angry. Such was my state of mind when I wound up in an argument with someone that I have become quite fond of over one of the latest changes. And the argument was not about change insomuch as it was about our greater views of the game and what is and is not valuable focuses for the future.
I'm often amused at the shocked reactions of my 'youth' in Eve. Maybe when I am give that type of reaction will change. Still, I've spent many an evening sorting through the differences of player generations. It is not just a matter of personality and past experiences but it is also a matter of when we started playing that makes us up. My argument with him was no different from the argument I read as I wrote this post in Eve Uni between the PvPers and the Industry focused people.
What is Eve? My view of Eve does not match everyone's view of Eve. The things I find important are not things that everyone will find important. I try not to dismiss others views but sometimes we will clash and such was a clash over changes in what he considered complexity and I considered exclusion barriers.
One of my greatest loves of Eve is the horizontal aspect of it. Maybe it is because I am bad at Eve and tend to seek odd paths to reach common points. It may be a quirk of my personality that causes me to often not enjoy the most celebrated aspects of things. I feel that the lack of a laddered paths frees me even as it leaves me frustrated. Yet, my frustrations are my own. They are caused by me and they are solved by me.
I dislike exclusion for the sake of exclusion. It is not something that I forget. I see beauty in inclusion. I love that the value can be in the person being there and deciding to do something. I wonder if I was older in the game, or better at the game, if I'd understand the desire to exclude people more. Even as I wonder it I doubt it. I to often play games for the pleasure of playing them. Eve is no different. It may mean that I will never fully mentally align with someone with a goal of winning when I'm saturated in happiness just playing.
It may be that the argument was just the edge of a storm. I'm pretty comfortable with who and what I am but when I talk to people at times it seems that they do not see me. And now that I spend more time in the public eye it makes me wonder what people see. Have I lost my ability to clearly explain who I am? Or, have I become something that I do not even know without noticing it?
The chances are more likely that I'm over thinking everything. A little bit of organization will go a long way. So! I shall sleep. Then, I shall wake and go to work. Once my days of hit I shall work at catching up on my Eve life while starting to write my first summit sessions. And somewhere along the way Sugar Kyle the player and Sugar Kyle the CSM member should realign themselves properly with whatever new changes this last week have wrought on me. For, this path has not been one without change. Both wanted and unwanted the relentlessness of it cannot be denied. But I refuse to lose my view of the horizon during this process. And sunrise is a beautiful thing.