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"When you are playing Eve..."

Evel posted a question in jabber the other day where he asked, "When you are playing Eve, which moments of your own play do you enjoy the most?"

Where Evel plans to take the information gathered, I don't know. He likes to think and muse on things and wander of with ideas and concepts. I'm a dreamer stuck in reality. My answer was, "I don't break it down that way and can't answer you."

This is a regular type of response from me. I like to look at small pieces of a whole without losing the understanding that the entire thing matters. It may be why I have an issue with doing things that are fun now but may have nasty consequences later. How can you ignore the probable future for the exciting now? Similarly, how can I define what I enjoy the most when I enjoy so many things and dislike just as many but cannot take one without the other.

So what do I enjoy? I enjoy playing. If I don't, I log off. If I didn't I'd not write and think about it. I don't have a most. Some moments are brighter than others and some darker but each moment is an individual thing. Maybe, if I approached the game in a more linear and focused fashion I'd have an actual, tangible answer. Yet the "who am I?" of my game play and my constant excursions to one thing or another leave me a bit adrift sometimes. What am I? Where is my value?

Diz and Naoru trying to absorb link boat fits and needs because my link alt is finally ready to settle into the position I made her for. And my link alt isn't for me it is for the fleet, so I did what I do best, I filled in a weak area.

Link ships come in flavors and the least used flavor is info links. Most of our link pilots are very experienced and have link ships for their personal needs. This means most of our link boats are armor and skirmish with the occasional siege. For us to have info links we are probably sacrificing something else. I noticed this some months ago and decided that when I skilled into my link alt I'd skill into info links first so that I could shore up our weakest area because that is my special skill.

So... I was looking at link boats, and fits. That means buying a lot of spaceship stuff for this one particular need. But, that is something I am good at. Plus, honestly, I have the ISK. In fact, I'm sitting on a stack of PLEX that I won from the fiction contest as well as my personal liquidity and I don't even know what TCS is valued at. That also reminds me that a project I started with TCS is being fruitful and I decided that I was looking at the wrong factors to define my play style.

I've never walked the normal paths well. Not in life. Not in games. I don't do it in Eve. Not in game. Not in blogging. If I'm happiest anywhere in game it is playing the game in a way that makes me happy. As redundant as that sounds, it's not. For example, in the earlier discussion about link boats I made it crystal clear that I do not want to fly a Tengu. And that was respected. No one tried to talk me out of it. No one told me I was dumb for using a Legion instead of whatever is considered more better. They know me rather well now and there are no arguments that will make me move from some positions.

My game and what I like to do isn't defined by any one thing. While people may pigeonhole me, I do not pigeonhole myself. I've always been disappointed in myself for not being a more better vicious focused PvPer. It is a weight that I drag around with me because I feel as if I should care more about it than I do.  I feel as if it should define me. I listen to the talks about kill boards and rankings and how many kills people have and ht good natured competition that I have no interest in joining in and I feel like a bit of a fake. The constant vitriol over things that are not PvP get to me. I've always just enjoyed doing things in Eve. It may be a vague, unformed statement but it is what I have. I do a lot of stuff because that is where I have my fun

And in a way, that is where I am happiest. Doing my own thing and doing it successfully. Maybe not the most successful. I don't have enough competitive spirit or ladder climbing interest to focus on being the best at things in the game. I enjoy PvP in my own way but I don't live for it. Sometimes, I look around me at what is required to be at the top of various things and decide that the thin line of fun and not fun will be crossed.

I'm happiest playing my own game. It isn't always as easy as it should be. But, the frustrations are worth it. I don't fit well in improperly sized boxes. And along the way respect has been gained from those who matter. For what I have gained and what I bring to the table. It is one of the harder things for me to accept. Some people seem to like me just as I am. And figuring that out, as slow as I am about it, improves my day.

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