Qualms

Behnid brought up a point in a common and one reflected in a blog post about a lack of bloodlust. Often I speak about killing all the things. However, there have been hurdles that I have had to make in my game play. There are times that I have not wanted to shoot things. It may be one of those topics that I am not supposed to talk about. After all, what is a video game but indulgence in the things that we cannot or could not do. I cannot direct armies to conquer a continent as I do in Civilization nor can I spend my evenings saving the world by shooting zombies. Yet, I enjoy these violent activities and PvP in Eve is no different.

All PvP is not created equal. I do not mean on the chest beating level of who does what in combat and what is a valid fight. I do not speak of the disparagement made towards the type of PvP people chose. I more speak of the activities themselves. They are all different. To PvP in high or low or null, to gank or war dec or duel, are all different types of PvP. Like skittles, they all have a different flavor and sometimes you like the grape ones (low sec) and push the lemon (trade hub duels) to the side.

And like a skittle individual types of PvP have different textures. A crunchy shell, a chewey inside. You may eat them one by one, suck on them, nibble, or only eat the delicious perfection of grape and strawberry. For Behnid to not want to pull the trigger on a Venture is not strange. Not everyone falls into PvP in the same way.

When I first started to kill things I had a lot of problems attacking neutrals. I understood conceptually killing people who hunted us and people who were in our system. It was our home and we defended it even from casual people. I just didn't understand things like gatecamping and cyno blapping. It was a bit before I started to shift out of the thought process of having a reason to act with violence, even if I was making those reasons up to myself.

I still struggle with when I want to kill. I only like to PvP when out hunting. I do't spar with my corpmates and friends. I do not take 1v1s. I do not o to public brawls. I have not yet had the courage to try a public roam. I do not do these things because those types of spaceship violence do not appeal to me. I participate in ganks to support a fleet goal more so than having a desire to gank. I do not have any more moral or emotional qualms about what I do. I just have interest ones.

I've been thinking about PvP a lot. I haven't been in the mood to do it. This last month at work has been extremely stressful for me. I find PvP to be a stressful activity. I know that some people log in and blow up spaceships to relax. For me, PvP is a social time with people who I enjoy spending time with. It, however, also comes with a ton of stress that I am just not interested in adding onto my plate right now. I don't find anything about it relaxing and often wound up wound tight as a kite. I still enjoy it but I do not have the mental energy to expend to reach the enjoyment.

I do not think that being interested or disinterest in a type of PvP is any different than any reason to pick any target. Look at a mission ganker. Some gank for profit. Some gank to gank with no thought of profit. Nether is right. Nether is wrong. They have different motivations. As different as a lemon skittle from a strawberry.