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Searching For Rainbows End

Ahh, Chella. I have to admit that I do not feel as if I use and appreciate her as much as I should. She logs in when I use her. The life of an alt is a cold one at times. I feel a bit of guilt because she was my first character and I do love her. She has been molded into a very useful utility character. I just am not quite able to use her as I wish.

One of the things that I have done since joining 7-2 is learn Amarr Cruiser V with Chella so that she may fly Guardians. Guardians need friends and because of that I had little reason to learn them while I was in THC2. In THC2 I learned Oneiros and Scimitars. I only flew the Scimitar in the end and went off to learn to incursion. Past that, I took my logistic training to my carrier and I've spent the last eight months chewing away at carrier skills while trying to squeeze some basic gunnery abilities and increase her flexibility of use.

Chella feels like a mess from a combat standpoint. I believe she finally has T2 blasters. Almost two years from starting. I still have my missioning Myrmadon in high sec. It is a shield tanked ship with meta guns and t1 non-faction ammo. I somewhat smile and somewhat sigh when ever I look at it. I was so new and so stupid. I'm not so new anymore but still often rather stupid. From a support standpoint she has Logi V in 3 logistics ships, flies cloaky haulers, rolls in a carrier, has solid refine and mining skills, and such little things like that. I'm able to participate in our massive move operations when people join the corporation. I've also gained a little courage and to ask Vanderie what he wanted me to train into as a Guardian pilot.

Logistics in a PvP group is a large responsibility, to me. i know that people are like, "just go and rep them," but it is a bit more than that. He gave me a solid list of what he wanted at level five. I whined a bit and sighed. I went from feeling pretty bad ass to having another group of skills to learn. There is the 'perfect' pilot that he wants and the 'okay' pilot that can undock. I'm at the 'okay' part but I don't want to be just okay. I know this state is just part of Eve. It may be that I keep playing above my weight class. I do suspect it is that. Flying with people with high standards is good. It is also humbling. I don't want to just stick to the same old same old. I want to be a useful, viable member who can cover a multitude of tasks. One of my fears is only being in a group because people like me but find me to be a useless member outside of my personality.

It may be that I don't like things that I feel as if I should. I feel rather out of place so often. I don't care what EFT says. I don't like some ships. I don't care what the stats say/ I don't find some things fun to fly. I understand the tactical reasons, but I long for speed and agility over mathematical reasons. I'm almost embarrassed by it. About 2/3 of what I fly are doctrine ships that are fit out by someone else for a goal. I believe that I fly them adequately in that regard. But when I put them away I don't miss them. I don't want them. They are alien to me in my own hangar. And I feel bad. I feel like I should like these ships more on a personal level. I don't mind flying what I am told to fly. My enjoyment comes from being a part of the fleet. Yet, I feel as if I am missing something essential when I don't spout love for things that everyone else seems to enjoy.

The new changes to everything has me again chasing after skills. Ship fits and fleet comps flicker and fly by at a thousand miles an hour and I never seem to have the skills for the newest flavor. Drones? Missiles? Zealots? Lasers? Rapid Light Missiles? Armor reps? Machariels? Heavy Interdictors? Command ships? Marauders? It feels like at 40 million skill points I have so much and yet I also feel that I have absolutely nothing. Everyone is so thrilled and thinking of all the things they can do with the changed ships. I've never caught up from the last set of changes and now look at a new set to make my hill larger.

Its time to regroup. To remind myself that I can tread water not just drown. I'll start with going over my old fits. I have a lot of ships that have been hanging around for a long time. My skills are better and my fitting abilities superior. I need to update a lot of what I have hanging around. It is a good reminder of my own advancement and how far I have come. If I spend all of my time chasing pilots with a hundred thousand skill points I will only grow frustrated. I'm not them. I can't be them.

And skill points will come. They always do. I'll have to take my small progresses and cheer for them as they come. And maybe to all of these changes, for now, I'll just close my eyes and let it settle in the dust. I try to listen to improve my fitting knowledge and understanding but sometimes its a bit much and time to take a break and remember the things that I actually find fun. And maybe one day I'll be able to join in the fit discussions with glee or tactical knowledge. Or maybe not. Who knows. I have a vague idea for fits for a few more Jaguars. After all, we have a deployment to plan.

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