It is the Decision

[Warning: Sleepy, grumping growling pseudo-rants to follow]

I stayed up too late for a fleet. It was a short fleet with a point. Get in and get out. I turned into an hour. That left me awake longer to write that I was awake late. Also grumpy.

I died on the fleet. I was insta popped which had the interest side effect of freezing my client. I don't care about that at all. Someone gets to die when someone dies. Sometimes that is me. Sometimes it is not.

This month, I pointed out the other day, has had me in my pod more times than ever before. This isn't a bad thing. It is a sign that I am out killing more things. I am doing more things. I am trying things. I am pushing myself more.

*stops for a sip of tea*

I'm also finishing up my market. It is amazing how behind one can get with listing click by click. It happens. I had a lot of basic items not on the market. Plus, I was already up.

I've been mulling over loss the last few days. My tiredness brings up the grumpier side of my personality. I'm like a toddler when tired. Yet, here I am.

When I discuss not wanting to take stupid risks in Eve I am often overwhelmed with people telling me that loss isn't bad and to relax. I'm told how people get over their worries of dying and they fly free. They live lovely lives in brick houses with a white picket fence. Everything is fantastic.

What I cannot seem to get across when I am more lucid and eloquent is that I give zero fucks about dying. I have a hundred ships in my hangar. Most are fit. All can be fit. Most are nothing more than mirrors of each other. I have twenty Jaguars.  I really don't give a fuck.

What bothers me is bad decisions. I hate knowingly making them. I hate making knowingly stupid decisions. When something was stupid but works out that does not make the original decision less stupid. A good ending does not negate a bad start. Sometimes its chance, luck, or a stupid opponent. Sometimes ignorance saves as much as it destroys. Sometimes you only have bad decisions and you make the most of it.

I make a lot of decisions in this game. I decide how much stuff to shove into my jump freighter. I make investment. I have conversations. I engage in arguments. I undock ships. I ask for help. I make a call. Sometimes I win. Sometimes I lose. Sometimes I derp. I'm not perfect. Everyone has days made of fail. I most certainly do. I'm not mistake free. I am not and do not expect to ever be perfect.

When I look at myself in the mirror (or I would if I loaded my Captain's Quarters) I ask myself about the decisions I made. When I lost my Stabber to lol ECM fleet the other day I did not rant and rave. I laughed. I then wept for the Stabber that would never have blood splashed across its hull. It was ridiculous but amusing to have five ECM ships on my freaking Stabber. I did what I could with that situation. The place where I should have made a decision was when the Talos fleet first landed on the gate and I waited to leave. The whole fleet did. It was a decision. Three of us died.

So what. Just because you did your best doesn't mean it will work out as you want. It isn't about winning every time.

There are a lot of decisions made. I happen to find pleasure and dare I say it fun in making solid decisions. They may not be good. Ignorance will never be fully conquered. But I cannot find any fun into throwing everything to the wind and throwing myself, blind and thoughtless into any situation. I thrive off of trying my best. And when I fail, I fail.

Even in a video game.

I doubt this effort to explain will be anymore clear than my others have. It is not about loss it is about decisions. it is not about hiding in the shadows shuddering in fear because my internet spaceship might be harmed. DP corrected someone the other day who thought we had lost ships in a particular fleet to their superior fleet. What he told them, and what they could not have known, is that we were sacrificing ships to hold them on the field while we escalated. If we cared about loss. If the killboard had to be green. If any of that mattered a bit we would never do some of the things that we do. When people come to troll our losses so what. Oh? Are you going to troll that we went out and did work? That we took the fight? That we left the station undock...

It is the decision making process that matters. It is what has always mattered. And sure, it may just be me. A flaw of my personality. An aspect of behavior that others cannot understand. If one wants someone wilder, more fun, and edgy, I can only suggest they seek that stimulation elsewhere.

But I have no problems with explosions. I have no ridiculous attachment to my spaceships. I don't like to lose cyno ships because cynos cost around two million ISK. I hate wasting ISK. I'm more irritated over ISK waste than ship loss. I work hard for my ISK after all. I'm not a gifted savant of ISK making.

Market is done. Bosena is stocked and at full roll.