Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Handful of Thanks

Yesterday, I wrote about my plans to pick and save up for a jump freighter of my very own. I have been working off of leased spaceships for the last several months. It has worked out for the most part with occasional patches of inconvenience. The inconvenience  is just a thing. The convenience more than make up for them.

However, my quest in Eve is a lot about independence and proving myself to myself if not other people. A lot of my projects and activities in game reflects this attempt to be okay by myself without needing anyone else to do things for me. In it are echos of my real personality.

But I need to get over myself some days. And yesterday, I was clearly reminded of that.

I was reminded about the people in my Eve world. Not that I had forgotten them but how important they had become to what and who I am and what and who my blog has become. When I first started writing I tended not to use names until Ender came down and told me he wanted his name in print. After that, I slowly started incorporating the people that I play Eve with into my writings. They were not just 'a corpmate' or 'CEO' or 'FC' but they became the people I talked with, lived with, and worked with on a daily basis.

Anyone who reads my blog meets the people that I play Eve with. They are a part of my day. While I may be self centered I cannot ignore them. They make may day. And therefore, when the out pouring of assistance until I could afford my own Jump Freighter came out, I was stunned. Not stunned 'I don't believe that people would help me' more stunned that more people than I realized read my words and leapt to assistance in an overwhelming wave that smacked me in the head.

And then my stubbornness kicked in. A year ago, someone was very nasty to me when I wouldn't do something they wanted. We had a disagreement and their reaction was to throw my courier contracts in my face and tell me that if I was not going to be productive and assist why should they waste their time doing my stuff? Not only did that hurt my feelings, the courier contract was for the gas that I needed to make boosters which I made for my corporation and alliance. In fact, my booster sales have long been a source of argument because I was making them at cost.

Therefore, mad and butthurt I vowed upon an alter to the dark goddess.... well I told myself at least, that I wouldn't get into that position again. I used the motivator to expand more. I'd run two blockade runners for hours moving hundreds of thousands of M3 and contract to Black Frog at an ISK loss before I asked that particular person for assistance ever again. I'd biomass first. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I get mad sometimes. Really mad.

That all wanders down into me standing (well sitting, with complete honesty) there receiving a flood of offers to use peoples dusty jump freighters. And my first reaction was, "Nope!". But the offers kept coming in and I realized I was being immature to say no to everyone and I was not accepting the compliment that they were paying me to hand off the (third?) most expensive hull in the game to me to help me out.

That is why I needed to get over myself.

I'm going to accept one of these kind offers and keep TCS working as the smoothly oiled (hahah) machine that it is. I will continue to work to save up for my own jump freighter ASAP. But, during that savings time, I will not make life three times as hard for myself as I need to because I am a prideful creature. That is stupid and a bit disrespectful to those that think I am trustworthy enough to hand off their expensive toys.

It is easy to get wrapped up in paranoia about Eve. The stories of dark, murky backstabbing are amazing. The tears are sweet. Sometimes, you can press your finger tip to your monitor I collect the precious drops. But, Eve is full of a lot of stories. Stories about helping and assistance and trust and friendship as well. They are just as real and true and deep if less flashy and dramatic. And while people may start playing for the tears and drama I think most of us stay for the friends.

And this is my thank you to them, for today.

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