And so I find that sharing my market is a bitter pill to swallow. I was nervous but excited. I think it was because I didn't really realize how invested I was in my market until I stepped upon the path of reasonability and agreed let go a large chunk of it. And to my surprise, it hurts a lot.
The funny thing is that it is for the best of the market. The market will thrive. The community will benefit. I will still continue to have much to do and probably improve upon my offerings. Bosena will turn into the low sec fitting hub of my dreams.
And I won't accomplish it by myself. I think that is what is hard for me right now. I know that I'm not supposed to write about feelings. Or have them. Admitting anything other than strong positives and great confidence is 'bad'. It's never stopped me before. Sometimes, one just has to write a tear soaked blog post about something that's not really bad but hurts anyway.
I'm only reaching the end of my third month running TCS. I had this little mental plan that it would take a while to build up but over the course of 6-12 months It would be amazing. I'd started with my little nest egg. I dropped my most precious possession, my liquid ISK into it, and I fanned its flame and nursed it at night and tended the nicks and scratches. I learned about economics and spent long periods of time planning how to expand in a sustainable way where I wouldn't burn myself out. I knew that it wasn't perfect but I thought that with a bit of time and as I gained experience I'd master all of it and build something fantastic out of nothing. I thought I was doing well.
I also thought I'd do it on my own. In this I am a victim of my own ego. I wanted so badly to be good at something in Eve. I wanted to prove myself to me and everyone around me. I knew that I'd never match people in PvP abilities. I'd never sit and have fantastic discussions about ship fits and strategies. But, I very much wanted to make something out of myself. I wanted to show my value and what I could be to people through my own work and effort. I wanted to say that I can do this. Just me. I can be an asset. I can bring value to the table created out of my own abilities. I am not just a follower. I am worth something in this game. I didn't realize how deeply these things were running through me and motivating me until the path hit a 90 degree turn and my traction started to slip.
I may care to much for some. But for me, I rarely do anything I don't care about. I care about my game because I enjoy my game. I'm a serious person and always have been. I've never been the type to recklessly have fun. My enjoyment comes out of planning and forethought. I do care. I care a lot. I don't lose sight of it being a 'game' but it being a game has never been a reason for me not to care about what I do and how I do it. It is another reason I don't role play. Being myself can be exhausting enough.
A few weeks ago there was a mild disagreement in fleet over a decision that was made. It was not a big, dramatic deal. The person who was making the decision made one that 4 out of 5 other people in the fleet didn't agree with. It was their decision to make.
The decision floated around a ransom of a pod. The pod didn't believe the ransom would be honored. However, they had been a good opponent and were just getting into PvP. They were not disrespectful in not believing the ransom would be honored but they didn't believe it.
Due to their general good attitude several of the fleet felt that the person should be let go as a reward for a good attitude on being caught. One person disagreed because every pod should be destroyed because that is what they do. The person who had caught the ship originally and called the rest of the fleet popped the pod. They wanted the ransom and not getting it they were going to pop the pod because that is what they do. On the comment of it being a 'dick' move due to the good nature of the other party and the general desirability of people wanting to learn PvP and encouragement the response was "It's just a game".
Yes, Eve is 'just a game' and the sports being played is 'just a game' and when my car is totaled its 'just a car'. Rage in video games is a problem . There are many, many recordings of people losing their mind all over the actions of a video game. It is fine to take the game seriously. Seriously does not mean insanely. We are playing because it matters and interests us. But I've never been one to distance myself by labeling something as 'valueless', especially not something I spend as much time and energy on as I do Eve. I flew to Iceland to watch people tell me about the game. To try to minimize my serious interest and attachment to it would be a discredit to myself and a down right lie.
I'm not angry. I'm not in a rage. I don't even think the idea is bad and if we can not clash egos it will be very good. It doesn't mean that I'm not sad over my shattered dream. My goal to build something from the ground up and, I guess, carve my little niche all on my own won't happen now. I care about my store. I care about my blog. I care about my silly little bullshit encyclopedia that I'm creating. They are all my little personal projects. They are the things that I have created and been able to expand to reach out and touch others. My piece of Eve, so to say.
But we are not guarantied success in Eve. We are not guarantied that we will get what we want. Just because I wanted to shape TCS out of nothing but my own ISK and abilities doesn't mean I get to say no to a reasonable offer just because I had dreams, and hopes, and selfish wants. I could also say 'hell no' and wage a market war and try to force my way and forge my glorious, burning path to independence. I'd be fucking the very people over that I most wanted to help by succumbing to my ego.
It'd be silly.
Change isn't automatically bad. But just because something isn't bad doesn't mean it isn't unpleasant or that you don't realize that you wanted something until after it won't happen. In a game where it is a world of things created by people and both effected and affected by others, it won't always go like one wishes.