[TL;DR: Where Sugar has a personal assessment day in a post of wandering thoughts about herself in game.]
What I suspect I need is a leveling effect. Each time I achieve a goal point in Eve I expect the heaven's to burst open and a searing bolt of light to surround me as symphonic music soars supported by the echoing roar of my new badassery radiates out from around me.
However, that doesn't happen. Improvement is often mild and undramatic (except for things like acquisition of sell orders with higher level trading skills).
I learned that am terrible at high sec. I've had this concept that I stay connected and have some clue. Yet, as I was fitting Chella out in a Vexor with my skills all over the place and barely any concept of what to do if I didn't put a point on my ship I realized I don't really understand high sec. That gaping mid confused me.
I was helping a new player out with a level 2 mission. My first instinct was to send my scout over that way. Halfway through the four jumps I remembered that the site had ship restrictions and strategic cruisers might be on that list. Sure enough, they were. I have no idea how to fly her in anything else and I fly her poorly in combat in her T3.
Sugar was out of the picture because high sec. That left Chella. The first thing I did was get her Myrm. However, that was on the banned list and I forgot that the Myrm has lost a high slot. My drone link augmenter was all red and no longer there. I left my poor Myrm there and decided not to brush off its cobwebs. I have an attachment to these ships as the relics that they are.
That is how I wound up buying and fitting a Vexor and fitting it badly. I even looked at corporate fittings but yeah... not PvE material in there. It was an interesting reminder at what a terrible combat character Chella is. As a logistic pilot she is fantastic (she needs Guardians next) and she has 10 days left on Jump Drive Calibration V. She also just finished up the last prerequisite to use a covert ops jump portal and a Sin is in her immediate future. While I'm spending all of my ISK I am in the process of getting her a Chimera if I can find someone to rig it before the Odyssey expansion.
She needs to work on combat skills and her combat fitting skills. I am so used to Sugar that I started slapping things onto the Vexor only to receive the little 'you can't lol' message. She still has no gunnery abilities and I'd like for her to become a bit more versatile. I want to keep her security status up but having her able to do combat would be rather nice. I can always trot over to Incursions for ISK but honestly, I hate them. Once she finishes with her Navigation training I'm going to spend some time getting some other support abilities for her (guardians, recons) and maybe some gun skills.
My scout is another story. I have spent a long time maxing out her probing skills. She sits six days off of her last one and I discover that the Odyssey changes such that it is not the burn to get the maxed skills like it was. It is one of those 'sigh' moments. However, I decided to pick up her training program and move it over to something else.
She is going to also improve her support skills with recon and logistics. I trained her into command ships (the skill) but I have no plans to use it. I was just scooting her into the skill before they changed it. Originally she was supposed to become a link alt but I'm not sure if that is really going to be that viable into the future. She also runs my alt corp that does my booster manufacturing.
Which reminds me. I just took down my booster tower and am moving it to a location more convenient to where I actually spend all of my time now. That turned out to be a stressful situation. However, it went off neatly and the tower came down without me losing it or a ship. However, my entire alt corp's assets will be two jump freighter loads. Ugh.
I also have eight billion in assets tied up in that corp between POS stuff, blue prints, and boosters. I had no idea it had spiraled that high. my last count was around 2 or 3 billion. I obviously pay no attention to my ISK.
Life is changing in Molden Heath. Congratulations to CCP they are 'shaking things up' as they are so delighted to do. I can't say that I am particularly delighted to have it happen but it is not world ending or game shattering. I'm a creature of comfort and habit so having those things kicked out from under me makes me sigh a bit. But, shit happens and we go on. Or at least, I do. I may luxuriate in what I want but that has never stopped me from trying to do what I need to do.
That means, tower moved, skill plans changed, and new concepts and behaviors need to start developing. I need to change some of my internal concept of who and what I am. I need to use the resources that I have started to build up for myself over the last year with an eye to the potential and capability that they have. Such as my alts. Sugar is not the only character that I have carefully nurtured over the last year but I barely use my others as much as I could.
And I plan to change that.
I'm starting to think about fleets and fights and tactics more and more. I feel that I'm understanding some situations better and others in a more complete way. If anything my biggest problem now is lack of exposure. My social/flying circles are very small. I've expanded them a bit but I need to expand them more. I need to see how other people do things and do them successfully so that I am not hobbled in my own opinion through a lack of exposure.
Of late, I've reached the point where I've started to disagree with people on things. It is that entire war of the right way and the right way. It is often a matter of opinion. I've more than once bucked what someone else insisted was the right way or the best way and found myself still productive and competitive and successful even though I didn't do what I was supposed to do as 'best'. It is not to say that I run around and assume I know best. I often try what other's suggest and if I find myself disliking it I then go and try something else.
I find myself wanting to find myself. Who or what I am as a player. Who or what I am as a fleet mate. Who or what I am as an asset to a corporation.
I'm tired of wondering about my value because I don't solo PvP and I don't spend all my time in space chasing people down. Looking for answers in others responses and opinions on the issue only leaves me with the impression that I'll always be a little less then someone who only does PvP. And really, I'll never only do PvP. That isn't all Eve is to me and I find it frustrating to be compared by only that one aspect of who and what I am in this game.
And so, as with any frustration the solution is to go and solve it. It may mean big change or it may mean small. It may just mean bringing the full force of my personality around and stand up for myself when I hear things like, "all that matters is PvP." Because, really, that isn't all that matters to everyone. Just because it does to some does not mean that it does to all and invalidating everyone else is ridiculous.
And that is enough of bouncing around through some of the various things that have been trickling through my mind in unconnected batches.
Chances incoming. It will always be interesting at the least.