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I Am My Own Worst Enemy

[And now for early morning, frustrated ramblings.]

It is not the bad days or the explosions that irritate me.  It's the terrible, terrible decisions that make me sigh.  

I have a problem of not thinking when someone tells me to do something.  I just do it.  Now, this problem does not extend to everyone. I promise, if you randomly just start giving my orders I won't follow them.  But, when anyone that I fleet with that has more experience than I do issues an order, I tend to blindly follow it up to and including my doom.  Their opinion is greater than my common sense.  Thusly, I have often struggled with content that I wasn't ready to deal with because people sometimes forget what it is like to be in the position of a lower skill point player.  Instead of questioning I just assume that I am terrible at things.

The worst part is I often know better.  I'll sit there and go back and forth internally about following instructions when I really, really feel that I shouldn't.  My default is still set to 'Sugar is clueless' so I tend to follow the direction against my (possible)better judgment.  This is not to be confused with me thinking that I know everything about everything.  But, when I have been given split tasks or an order that does not fit the situation I am not thinking for myself enough.

I'm not completely sure how to overcome it.  I PvP in fleets and I try to situationally fit the fleet.  If I am in an ordered fleet with a doctrine and some greater goal I try to be the best little fleet member I can be.  I don't want to be that person that everyone sighs over and debates if they even will tell them a fleet is going on because they derp constantly.  I picked up this habit when I first started.  Nervous and not having a clue about what was going on I tried so hard to listen and do everything perfectly so that no one would leave the newbie at home.

This may have caused me to develop bad habits.  While a lot of the PvP that we do is in small groups and requires independent thought, an order will instantly cause me to drop what I am doing and attempt to follow it.  Or, it will curtail me from doing something that I am really sure that I should do given the situation.  Sometimes I just really think that I should do X or Y and I find that I am struggling between knowing when I should do something and automatically assuming that I don't know what I am doing and not being creative or thinking outside of my box.  Then everything gets looked over and I sigh because I should have done something I was thinking of doing but I defaulted into doing as I was told.

There has to be a balance between independent decisions and being a lose cannon.

A lot of the question is where do I push.  Where do I push my envelope of self growth to expand it without becoming an over bearing idiot, a fleet liability, or just a massive pile of stupid fail decisions?  In my moments of non frustration I suspect its a normal aspect of growing or learning about things.  Most of the time I am just frustrated with myself and my second guessing myself into poor decisions.  Its why I don't solo.  Until I can break past my over thinking and have actions become a bit normal I'm doming myself to flailing about uselessly and tripping over my own feet.

My problem isn't making mistakes my problem is making stupid decisions that I know are stupid.  Things won't always go as one hopes they will go.  I'm fine with that.  I simply want to enter into the situation having made an informed decision.  I want to break what I feel is a command because it is the right thing to do.  At the moment, I have thoughts and ideas but they are still murky and unsure and I wind up doubting my view of things.  This is why I refuse to Fleet Command in any capacity.

There are moments when I envy people that can just dive into a situation and be that what it may.  The now works for them and they don't spend time worrying about what may be, what is, various possibilities and how to counter plan against all of that.  I'm a planner by personality.  It doesn't just go away when I'm in a game since its rather part of how I think in general.

Where I shine is when I don't think about it at all and just do.  I just don't experience that enough yet to make me happy.  Also, again, if someone that I feel has more knowledge then I do counters my decision making process I'll stop and assume that they are right because they know the game and I don't.  I am my own worst enemy in these respects.

But its holding me back.  Or maybe it's one of those moments when the fog has cleared enough that you can see where you are going and you realize that you still are not going to be there for a while.

Writing it out helps.  So I do.  Then I post it because I am... an idiot? Masochist? Honest? Stupid? All of the former?

Well, the first step is identifying the problem, no?

I at first named this post, "I am a lemming" but lemmings are so misunderstood.


  1. These are normal thoughts and actions, believe it or not, and they identify you as a person that wants to do better but hasn't yet learned all the skills needed to do so. And I don't mean in-game trained skills, I mean player skills.

    This is a good sign. It means you are struggling to understand the reasons for the orders and how best you can accomplish the goals, without derping yourself. :)

    These skills come with time. And there is no shortcut to becoming good at it, so hang in there and don't give up.

  2. I very much have the same problem. When I am flying in someone's fleet I just do what they say even if I sit in front of my screen thinking: Why?

    Last time an FC who got caught in his recon ship by a Talos and an autocannon-fit Tornado ordered me to warp to him at 20 and engage.

    I was in a Stealthbomber which those ships could easily obliterate off the field with one shot and that was not a range I would ever have engaged ships like that. Actually I once tried engaging a Tier3 Battlecruiser with a Stealthbomber and it lasted a few seconds.

    Still I did it. The outcome was as predicted.

    On the other side I have seen situations where the FC orders something, you err on the side of caution and that costs the whole crew the engagement.

    I guess it mostly comes down to getting used to the people you fly with.

  3. My thoughts:

    If their is a clear FC, you do what he says, and if you feel strongly about it, talk with with the FC about those decisions in private after the fleet.

    If their is no clear FC, if its a random small gang roam where someone naturally just starts calling things out of habit or lack of other FCs, then feel free to interject and do the other thing when you think its right.

    There is also the option of leading your own fleets. Which is a difficult thing to do if you are surrounded by people that are more experienced; hard as hell. Sometimes I think its emotionally easier to learn FCing by FCing total nublets, but that has its own headaches. That being said, I avoid FCing, and its a bad thing. It is easier however if you provide cheap ships for your own roams. If someone has a disagreement or causes problems in fleet, then tell them their attendance is option. Ships are yours and fleet is yours, get the fuck out.

  4. How about grabbing one or two of your fleet mates after the fight and briefly talking the situation through? It would give you a chance to learn to evaluate your hunches better (whether you acted on them or not), and your fleet gets a better insight in how you think, and that should you derp, it's not out of willful ignorance but out of lack of experience.

    As the saying goes: Good judgements come from experience. Experience comes from bad judgements.

    And I know that it's easier said than done - I'm struggling with it myself.

  5. The post is about the second step: "accepting that the problem is a problem". You'll overcome it, I'm sure.

    You was playing safe, simply as told. Most people do that when unsure. I'm not, that's why I'm so annoying. Now you reached the point when you aren't unsure anymore.

    Good luck getting rid of the "dumb clueless Sugar" image! It didn't really fit you. You were new but never dumb. I've been reading your blog for more than half a year and can't remember dumb things in it.

  6. Fly solo (more). Best way to learn how to PvP up until the mind-numbing 100 vs 100+ fights.


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