Interconnectivity

[TL;DR: Sugar = Moody Today]

In a way I am gearing up for Eve Vegas. I was having a girl moment as I pack my bags and realized that my straightening iron is totally broken all to hell and financially order another one from Amazon.

Somehow it snuck up on me. A week from now and I get to meet people. Sadly, one of my corpmates has had his work schedule changed and can no longer make it. It is disappointing but there will be other opportunities in the future.

I've spent some time debating how I wanted to capture things in my blog. Then I decided to get over it and stop fretting and let it happen as it happens. I do expect there to be a bit of a change to the general tone and information that I normally babble about due to the intermingling of my daily life with a saturation of internet spaceships and Vegas.

Hopefully, it will be interesting. Eve is having a thing. It makes me sad. I barely have the energy or tolerance to deal with the AT. My game has been invaded again by sports. I've already closed out a few channels and may have to take another hiatus this November and December. Maybe it will be good for me. For a moment I debated not playing at all, but that would be silly.

Instead I made sure that my alliance had the news, exited some of my channels, and started getting my bags together. Laptop, tablets, cables, router, wireless card, backup power supplies, mouse, keyboard, all important things that go into any woman's bag. I have to figure out if I am missing anything now. You'd think that I was going somewhere that wasn't another state in my own country with plenty of stores.

I've also learned that the side effect of letting ones mistakes, ignorance, and learning be a public thing is that one will hear the same correction a dozen times. A side effect of choice. It becomes an interesting experience, resisting the urge to hide mistakes and at the same time avoid being overly defensive as people correct me over and over again.

Meeting people and new situations always make me ponder a topic. I've never lost that kid part, where some things feel like the first day of school in a new place. Will they like me still? I hope so. Will everything be fun? I expect so. Today my in game mood is very poor and it is darkening everything like drops of black dye in a glass of water.

For now, as I plow through the rest of my work weekend the upcoming week of vacation helps to sooth the nervous and excited jitters. I started a minor blog cleanup project I have said that I would do for a while. I stopped tagging my posts and I need to start again as well as add tags to older posts. I also need to edit and clean up a lot of the older things I've written. I'm no grammar or spelling goddess by any stretch of the means. However, I can attempt to make things a bit more coherent. I won't make any promises.

The interesting part of going back through and editing is the memories. It is one reason to write. To remember.

There is a line that amuses me to no end. I wrote "I'm going to spend some time missioning with some friends and learning low sec with some pirates." That is one thought/dream/wish/hope that did come true. It reminds me of how terrified I was of Ender and cautiously enthralled with Diz and dependent on Lue during that time. How much I liked the game but how endlessly hard it was and how terrible I am at it.

I am also almost pained by the memories of how terribly poor I was. I am terribly poor now to many people that I know. Then, however, I was the special kind of poor that comes with being new. I was struggling to crest 100 million ISK. Every time I did something happened. I even gave someone a loan of 30 million ISK that they never noticed. They needed it to finish paying off a ship they had gotten from someone else. I was treading to keep my finical head above the water in the game. Its a rather painful memory, the struggling. I think I wanted him to notice that I had helped. I'm pretty sure, if I lay open the emotion to pure honesty, I am sad that he never did.

And, I remember how I kept checking my character every day to see if I was still in the corp. I was terrified that I'd be booted for being useless. I wanted to keep that corp ticker with such an intense passion. I wanted to not just have it but to be a valuable member. But, I had so little to give that I expected everyone to wake up and wonder why they had let me hang around and shoo me off.

I've often said that I have no intent to leave THC2 until I am kicked. That is still true. Even when I have days of intense frustration I'm amazed at how much I care about my corporation. Hence, why I have the frustration. Work with people is hard, in game and out of it. People are still people. Face to face or online, the interactions of humanity are a complex and exhausting task.

Today, I am exhausted. My own memories wear me down. Then I fretted about PvP because I was not doing very much. Now I fret about PvP because I feel that I do so little compared to those around me. In general my fretting level seems to stay the same and just changes topic.