A Whole Systems worth of Fretting

The side effect of writing a blog that your corpmates read is that your corpmates are reading it. Ender is now duel wielding Tengu sticks like some type of dark, evil incarnation of harassment.

Having been in a rather bitchy mood the last few days, I picked a fight with an alliance mate over CTAs (Call to Arms). I find that I consider a CTA to be serious business. They are not something casually dropped to schedule a gathering. While no one can hold anyone to any type of standard to ‘play Eve now’ I do feel that they are a heads up, please focus on this if you are playing Eve, going to play Eve, have the free time to play Eve or can put this in your schedule type things.

I just don’t find the concept to be a “Hey, lets do this.” Mixed with a lack of information on why, I find myself to be a very irritated person. However, my irritation mostly stems from my ongoing mental reevaluation process of my flight or fight mode.

I’ve come to the decision that I am risk averse when it comes to making certain types of decisions. I don’t mind losing ships, I don’t mind making mistakes, I don’t mind not knowing things, I don’t mind not being good at stuff, but I sure as hell mind making stupid decisions. But, as I tell people who are fretting about getting their feet wet in PvP and low sec, you have to jump at some point and stop making plans to jump.

Unfortunately, I try not to be hypocritical. I need to follow my own advice. I can only theory craft so many decisions before I need to start making them and work off of the results. I also need to figure out where I am jumping. I’m not trying to become a bad ass 1v1 Solo PvPr are 8 months in the game. I never had a goal to be a solo PvPr in general. I wanted to PvP. I currently do. What I want to do is to be able to deal with situations that come up with more than my ‘FLEE FLEE OMG FLEE!’ button.

I think.

Really, I’m not sure. I don’t have a huge goal oriented game plan for my playing. I just go with the flow. Sadly, the flow is going over there and I need to catch up with it like it or not.

I was given two things by someone. One was the advice that “Everyone is bad”. With that, I was told to go and kill people under that assumption. I wish my view point was so simple and clear but it is not. One of my taller hurdles is my innate assumption that I am the one that is bad at Eve and everyone around me is better.

The second thing that I was given was isk to buy ships. I said thank you. I do have isk to buy ships but I was told to buy ships and go create hilarious kill mails. I doubt I can fully comply with the hilarity kill mails. It is not in my nature and my sense of humor is terrible and somewhat lopsided. What I will do is used the isk to buy ships with the intent to use them to be… more daring?... and go from there.

Then I have to figure out what to buy and fit. Upgrading my ratting ship was shot down as well. “At what point Cynabal?” I asked. The response was, “Where are you with Minmatar Cruiser V and Gallente Cruiser V?” I’m 10 days outside of Minmatar Cruiser V and not anywhere near Gallente anything. So, that answers that.

What to fly? I don’t know. I've leaned rather heavily on the boys for my ship selections so far. Maybe I’ll spend the evening staring at ships on the market and try to figure it out. I hate spending isk but it is isk given to me for a task so I may be okay. My work weekends are normally fail for doing much more.

Maybe I’ll design a legion for my alt. Then, I doubt I’ll buy it because I hate spending isk again. Or, I will spin in circles for a few weeks chewing my nails deciding on what to do. Right now I’m kinda pouting while kicking at the dirt with my sneaker and my hands in my pocket slouching. Angst mode is deffently on.

I’d like this to become my elite piece of pop music to define my confidence.