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Not ready to be on my own yet

I debated a battle with a drake before work the other day and I passed on it. I have a lot of reasons for it but the biggest one was that I was unsure of myself still. I do try to be honest about these things.

I write to keep myself honest as well. I debated this one, more along the lines of the crap people will say to me vs the fact that its simple truth in emotion. When one of my alliance mates read over my blog and commeted about the mission stuff, another goes "Oh god you wrote about missions? Why?". That type of reaction is why I've been hesitant to put myself out there as more then a random interweb hit by someone looking for stuffs.

Why indeed? Because it was new and interesting and I wanted to.

Oh things are improving. I'm pleased that I'm now considered when someone needs a cyno lit. I've done duty as an emergency backup cyno for several ops recently. Its exciting. Cynos are not 'fun' but being trusted to place it correctly off a station so that the dreds and carriers and jump freighters can come through is a big thing to me.

I'm growing. Yet, I still look a bit forward and step back sometimes. It is like the first day at a new school. You are excited and you are nervous and for a while the two things create conflict and confusion.

Another problem with the Drake listed above, is that he is from a PvP corp that loves to hot drop. Seeing one of them alone is not a common occurrence. My corpmate and he are at a stalemate on a gate. My corp mate is in an interceptor. Both are flashy red. What to do?

When he land he went for me. This is where I feel I should have taken the fight. He was taking gateguns. But, if I committed was it a hot drop impending. He scrammed, webbed, and neuted me. Neuts? In my cane? I guess... it wasn't doing very much. Still. My corpmate is going "This smells bad to me, this smells bad".

So, with 20 minutes before I had to leave the house to go to work, I decided not to take said fight. I've been mulling it over. Drake on gate taking gateguns vs my cane. He is a much older toon then I am. I just plugged in Battlecruiser 5 and have 20 days on it. What to do... what to do...

For now, I'm erring on the side of caution. I regret it. However, I didn't spend a night beating myself up over having my ship blown up. Still, I'm 5 months old. I guess I could go and canflip or frig fight or hunt down newbies for solo kills...

Is Solo killing my goal? I think I'd like to be able to do it vs needing to do it as my goal. I just want to have fun, enjoy my corpmates and have the good pewpew.

But I still fret and worry on my own. This is the second time I probably should have but decided to back out and wait. I suspect I'll simply be forced into it eventually. The push into cold water solution.

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