In the background, I've been fleshing out my time on the CSM. My then and my now are so far apart from each other it is rather staggering. I have wistful thoughts about my pre-CSM life. Before I knew to much and flew to close to the sun.
I said before that I stopped writing out of anger. I felt that if I kept a positive face to the public while I was raging inside, I was being false. I tried for a more neutral and honest tone but without wild, emotional aspects. I still, in the end felt fake. I directed that energy to solving the problem and I feel that did happen.
However, along the way more problems cropped up. I realized then, around the end of February that I was to deeply disappointed in some decisions that were made to present any type of face.
One thing I have struggled with has been how much to share. Do I share the anger that I often feel? It isn't productive. Rages and rants and tantrums don't get work done.
Would people even care? A lot of the election process for CSM10 left me shaken when it came to how much people wanted to know about what was going on and what motivated me. Did people want to know that I could barely control my rage when interacting with someone or did they just want results? Did they want to know the 'drama' that was happening or would they just laugh at me again and write about how they think the CSM is ridiculous and a high school council.
I also realized that I was sometimes trapped by all that ridicule and scorn. It got harder and harder to read it and stay productive. I kept slogging along but it was always there. In many ways, I was ashamed that I was so weak to be bothered by it. How often have I been told to ignore people, not to listen, or tell other's that they were stupid and their opinions did not count? Instead, I was dragged down by those opinions until I couldn't move anymore.
Basically, I realized I was not confident to share why I was upset about things anymore. I was so very tired of being laughed at and mocked for caring and having emotions. I understand that it is a popular pastime on the internet but I still don't understand it. I often wonder what is so flawed about me that causes me to care?
I've been rather stuck on these questions. Around and around I've gone for weeks now. Am I strange? Is this normal? Is this what happens in these types of positions? As it is ending I very much want to understand my CSM term and the tattered pieces that are left over from it.
One of the interesting things that happened during the campaign season for CSM11 was the handful of candidates that I talked to all, except for one that I never synced up with for a coms chat, told me that the stuff I brought forward wasn't going to be a problem. I kept getting my concerns brushed off and I really wondered what I saw in this that other's didn't.
Maybe I've made more of it then I should have. Maybe I should have talked more. Ranted more. Called people out to the floor. Gotten into fights with them. Maybe I should have shared more, pushed the bonds of my relationship with CCP more. Maybe I wouldn't feel like this now if I hadn't tried to stay in balance so long.
Things changed a lot along the way. I don't know like I used to. I can't take back the things that changed everything.